I've started this post three or four times. Each time I've deleted it due to the fact that it was far too negative to be made public.
Figured I'd try one last time.
It's as if he's staring at me telling me what I'm reading above.
"It's about GOD stupid!"
It's very clear to those of us who lived with him that he believed this to his core. Man, I've been finding it hard to believe for myself lately. And here we come to the crux, perhaps, of this whole deal.
Robbie's dying has made me doubt God's goodness, His wisdom, His very existence.
There, I said it.
And you're thinking "Great, this guy's a pastor, hope his church doesn't know..."
Pretty sure they do.
Pretty sure an honest pastor is better (MUCH better) than one who pretends.
See, it's Christmas time and the pain of Robbie's absence is almost more than we can bear. In fact, it IS more than we can bear, but since we don't just spontaneously drop dead from the grief, we just keep wandering through our lives wondering if this has really happened to us.
(how is this possible?)
We had 'early christmas dinner' yesterday with Mom and Dad and Kate and her kids and ours. No Robbie. Very hard.
I've always tried to tell the truth on this here blog in the hopes that it might be of some encouragement to you on your journey so I won't lie to you. I won't tell you it's all good and that we're a happy go lucky bunch right now.
But I will tell you that we're in some deep, I mean the deepest, deeper than deep, pain over here and, yet, in the midst of it we hear his voice in our head telling us...
"It's about GOD stupid!"
So I don't think any of us will be quitting anytime soon but, boy, this sure 'aint fun.
Love you man.
T
