I've started this post three or four times. Each time I've deleted it due to the fact that it was far too negative to be made public.
Figured I'd try one last time.
It's as if he's staring at me telling me what I'm reading above.
"It's about GOD stupid!"
It's very clear to those of us who lived with him that he believed this to his core. Man, I've been finding it hard to believe for myself lately. And here we come to the crux, perhaps, of this whole deal.
Robbie's dying has made me doubt God's goodness, His wisdom, His very existence.
There, I said it.
And you're thinking "Great, this guy's a pastor, hope his church doesn't know..."
Pretty sure they do.
Pretty sure an honest pastor is better (MUCH better) than one who pretends.
See, it's Christmas time and the pain of Robbie's absence is almost more than we can bear. In fact, it IS more than we can bear, but since we don't just spontaneously drop dead from the grief, we just keep wandering through our lives wondering if this has really happened to us.
(how is this possible?)
We had 'early christmas dinner' yesterday with Mom and Dad and Kate and her kids and ours. No Robbie. Very hard.
I've always tried to tell the truth on this here blog in the hopes that it might be of some encouragement to you on your journey so I won't lie to you. I won't tell you it's all good and that we're a happy go lucky bunch right now.
But I will tell you that we're in some deep, I mean the deepest, deeper than deep, pain over here and, yet, in the midst of it we hear his voice in our head telling us...
"It's about GOD stupid!"
So I don't think any of us will be quitting anytime soon but, boy, this sure 'aint fun.
Love you man.
T
2 comments:
I can't even begin to imagine. We are all thinking of you. Thanx for sharing, since it gives me the opportunity to share in your grief (although as mentioned, I have no idea how hurtful it is). I suppose many people in your situation would just stick their heads in the sand and of fear of being judged by others (or ashamed for being weak), would not share their grief with the world. I assume a person that does not share their grief would turn into a real bitter mess over time.
Thanx again for sharing how you guys are. Hopefully by us grieving with you it slowly over time dilutes the pain.
Hang in there.
(not that it really matters, maybe leaving the comment anonymous would be great, but it was Hans writing this. For some reason blogger messed up. Peace)
Post a Comment