Loss is funny.
I mean, it's not, but you know what I mean.
Four years ago today we lost Robbie. Worst day ever. Seriously. I remember saying shortly after that terrible day that I don't think we'll every be 'happy' again. What I meant was, I don't think we'll ever have the same kind of unbridled, simple happiness we'd had before the shadow of his death came to live with us. I thought of a book title I may flirt with someday that captures the idea;
"Sunny with a chance of rain..."
The book cover would have a sailboat carving its way across a pristine bay on a sunny day that looks absolutely perfect except for a lone storm cloud hovering in the distance.
Yes, we're happy, yes we still laugh, but the cloud of grief attached to Robbie's death is still with us four years later and I'm pretty sure it'll never leave.
What I've noticed about loss is that its the many little things you miss most. The above picture captures it well. I've got dozens of photos of Rob and with Rob but this one says something unique. There he is at the periphery of the shot, top right, and he's in no way meant to be the focus of the image. The kids are; their joy at having completed an epic Easter Egg hunt the reason for the shot. Here's the thing though...
It was Robbie who always set up the Easter Egg hunt.
It's never happened again since he died.
Sure, we've tried to replicate it but there was something very special to him about setting those Easter Egg hunts up, so he put his unique playfulness and energy into it, and as a result, the hunts were epic.
They will never happen the same way again.
That's loss.
I still dream about him twice a year (dreams in which he visits me and talks with me; usually about The Kingdom). I still think of him every single day. I still curse out loud, in a dark moment of despair because of his loss, at least once a month.
Robbie.
The third Cantelon son, gone.
So where is God in all of this?
On His throne, in charge and glorious. We love Him and serve Him and enjoy and seek to obey Him in everything we do. We bless Him and try to glorify Him with our lives. We're thankful to Him and worship Him and focus on Him as the center of our lives.
And we wonder just what in the heck He was thinking at this hour on this day four years ago.
And we know that He is good.
And we know that Robbie is well.
And we keep smiling and weeping and doing our best to enjoy life day-by-day, sunshine and storm clouds and all.
T
