It occurs to me that I might be a complicated person.
Know any 'simple' ones?
I've taken to walking around the neighborhood like an old person. Much of it has to do with my wife's newly busy (and getting busier) schedule. She's now officially a certified Personal Trainer and has launched her own small business. It's fun to watch as momentum arrives in her life. Seems like it's catching her a bit by surprise.
I'm not surprised.
She's talented, smart, very personable, duty-oriented, follow-through oriented, kind and very good-looking to boot.
(have you read about how the better looking you are--by your culture's norms--the easier it is for you to 'get ahead' in life? Scary, but true...)
She's also discovered what she loves to do and that is a surefire way to invite momentum to come to roost.
Anyway, as she gets busier, I'm having to--in some small ways--be more available at home to make sure the kids get what they need while Mom's out. Most of her classes are in the evening these days so that's been taking the form of me cooking dinner and feeding the kids then cleaning up, then chillin' with them a bit before she gets home. Once she gets home, I've been putting on my runners and going for a stroll.
The intent of the stroll is not exercise; Lord knows we're getting enough of that training for our June 18th triathlon.
(for the record, I've lost 12 pounds since December...)
The stroll is for spiritual/emotional exercise.
I walk slowly and think and listen.
It's been good.
Last night I was doing some ongoing 'life review' work. Thinking about who I am, who I used to be, who I might be becoming, and what I'm supposed to be 'doing' with my life. I'm also thinking about how the 'doing' of that thing might be able to be translated into 1) income generation so I can provide for my family and 2) continue being 'significant' enough (only in so far as it aligns with who I am and what I think I'm supposed to be doing) to keep me feeling like my life's not a waste.
It's been tough the last month.
We're still waiting on some news on the show biz side. We were supposed to hear last Friday but, as usual, the date got pushed to tomorrow. So, all going well, we'll *know* tomorrow what the next year and half looks like.
I've found (as I always do) the waiting to be borderline 'soul sapping'. I've said it here before but, the wife and I agree, that the only thing we find difficult about *faith* is faith. Truth is, I find it hard to not be 'doing' which is weird 'cause I'm kind of a contemplative guy and not your typical workaholic. I tend to be silent or idle for a stretch then work in a blur for a stretch accomplishing what I need to accomplish, usually at a fairly high level. The challenge is to continue to self-examine in that I don't want to just slip into being a lazy procrastinator but also want to be sure that I accept my *wiring* allowing myself to work in the way for which I've been designed.
A tough task.
On on the other front, we've definitely hit our spring/summer attendance slump at THE WELL. We've been down 20% the last four weeks in a row. It's true that, regardless of the size of church you attend, this will be happening all around you. It's also true that in a room of 1,000 you notice the missing 200 less than you do in a room of 70. And the simple reality is, no matter how hard you try, the growth or non-growth of your church *gets* to you over time. You begin wondering, questioning, second-guessing, stressing, and generally putting yourself into a faith-less, soul-sapping mind frame.
Stuck between these two 'rocks', my wife and I are working really hard to take honest stock of our lives each and every day. We're doing the classic *count your blessings* thing. We're thanking God for the small blessings and trying to focus on a simple 'ethic' in our life.
Funny how I forget.
I remember going through this at my last church. I remember the summers being a time where I had to give myself permission to 'slack off' a bit. I recall forcing myself to just enjoy the good weather and not stress too much about what was happening in the life of the church. With so many people away and the rest of them very content to just laze the warm season away, spring/summer (in Canada) is no time to be getting ambitious about church growth or vitality.
So, here I sit, trying very hard to re-focus. Trying to figure out what to do come fall (re: sermon-series, location, programming etc.) and wondering if I'm going to be getting paid (from the show-biz side) and even if the floodgates are suddenly going to flood open and how I'm going to weather that.
Anyway.
It's a tough spot.
Figured I'd write about it to 1) process and 2) because I was thinking about a thing I read on FB a while back where some girl was lamenting the fact that everybody always seems so 'happy' and 'together' based on their status updates.
I recognize that the nature of social media makes it tough to be really honest. You'll see this to be the case when one of your friends posts a status that's even slightly depressed or down and a raft of friends chime in, over-reacting to the status, asking if they can help and so on. How to really tell the truth when 'The World' (of your friends and their friends) is watching?
Also, I don't think any of us really want to parade our naked soul.
So, how much do you say and how much do you keep close?
Tough one.
I'm hoping here to be less-narcissistic and less-self-promotional than the medium, and my nature, want me to be while, perhaps, being of help to you and help to myself.
Knowing that, ultimately, we can't really help ourselves.
(how 'bout THAT for a useful double-entendre?)
Hoping for happier days...
T
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