Sunrising...

Yo', the Sun is coming.

Truth.

Winter sunrises are so nice because the dark of winter nights is so awful. Up at 5:30am each morning, I wander downstairs and open the living room blinds. In summer, this is a glorious moment, the sun is already kissing the rooftops, the Muskoka chairs are glistening with fresh dew, the tree swing invariably has a playful squirrel or two flitting about on it, the lawn flashes its emerald green-ness like a wide-mouthed grin, birds chirp and all is well with the World.

Not this time of year.

Nor this time of life.

Man, SUCH a brutal year we're having. It's been almost crazy. I don't want to go into details 'cause I find it tiresome, and realize these kind of online posts can 'read' as so 'self-indulgent' and navel-gazing from where you sit, dear reader.

I'm FB'ed out. Twitted out. Even IG is starting to bug me. Food, hot girls, cars, and travel destinations, that's it. Sick of it.

I've stopped listening to current pop music on the radio 'cause it's so annoying. I tell myself this means that I'm getting old. I remember my parents listening to the same classical and jazz stations I tend to go to these days when they were my age and I was sitting in the back of their cars.

See, there are no inane lyrics ('All I wanted was to break your walls...") in classical and instrumental jazz. Phew.

Funny how I had NO idea how hard their lives were. I wonder if my kids know what mine is like?

There's a curious balance there. I want to be honest with them about the process of living but certainly don't want them dealing with the same kind of stress I'm dealing with 'cause, after all, they're still kids and deserve to be ignorantly happy a little longer, no?

This morning, as I prepped breakfast and school/work departure, I found myself wondering if they'll remember me as always grumpy and stressed. This is not good. I need to work at finding true happiness and sitting down into it more often and consistently. Soon enough they're bound to make the connection between my unhappiness and the pressures of father-hood and it's only a hop skip and a jump from there to, "Well, gee, it must be my fault..."

Sadness all around me. Divorces, bankruptcies, sickness, death, cancer, misery, infidelity, greed, hopelessness, abuse, loneliness, aimlessness, selfishness, vendetta, pride, entitlement, waste, inertia.

Oyyyy.

It hit me in the car today that the whole "If you don't introduce someone to Jesus before the age of 18, you've lost them..." thing might be TOTALLY wrong. It seems to me that you don't really know ANYTHING about life 'till your late 30's (or whenever it is that you've lived long enough to truly suffer) and, from watching my own life, and those of the people around me, I think you might be more receptive than EVER to the hope of the Jesus-story, in your middle-age, 'cause--dang--but life sure 'aint offering much in and of itself anymore.

It's like life is all speed bumps these days; rapid ups and downs.

BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP.

Like, the other night, after a BRUTAL day of insecurity and stress, I come home after my run, looked at the two vehicles in my driveway (neither of which paid off yet) and I'm overcome with gratefulness. Each vehicle is the one I *always* wanted growing up. So I stood there, all sweaty and swaddled in many layers against the winter night, and I raised my arms Heavenward (literally) and vocally (literally) blessed the Lord of Hosts for His goodness.

These weird spontaneous outbursts of thanksgiving are happening more often lately, and it's definitely NOT because my 'external circumstances' are super-awesome or anything.

Maybe this is 'godliness'. I've certainly preached that it is. Thanksgiving. Being truly, honestly, simply grateful for everything, moment by moment.

Perhaps that's how you answer the constant barrage of bumps and sorrow; with a constant barrage of praise and thanksgiving.

I realize some people think I'm crazy believing this stuff. To them I would love to say, "So how's YOUR friggin' life-system working out for you? Are you happier than me? More peaceful than me? Do you spontaneously worship in your driveway because you own two Hondas?"

(I always want to lace a few expletives into these tirades but you never know when my Mother--who I love--or some 'church people'--not so much--might be listening in. It'd sound better with 'em in there though. Feel free to insert them yourself, in your mind)

I'm married 17 years this Christmas. I've known her 20. She's only 37 and I'm 39. We've been together longer than we've been apart. I'll shout about THAT from my driveway or the freakin' ROOFTOPS whichever is closer. My four kids are turning into people, with gifts, quirks, strengths and weaknesses. I'm twenty years in on one side of my career (the Preacher side) and 15 on the other (the Producer side). Have I 'achieved' all my goals? Certainly not. Have I wasted my time? Also, not.

My friend has a family member who may die this week at a VERY (grossly) young age. Thinking about him lying there waiting to die was super-sobering for me this week. I thought to myself, would I have REGRETS if I was to die this week? Honestly, the first answer that came to mind was, yes, I would. But then I thought about it, reflecting on what more I could be doing other than what I'm currently doing. The answer was, not much. A little, a few tweaks here and there, but not much.

So, here I sit, still doing what I've always done.

Waiting for the Sunrise.

T

It's MY fault...

So true.

We often blame everyone BUT ourselves for the problems we're facing. It occurred to me again this week that it is useful to turn the lens of self-examination on ourselves from time to time. 

What am I doing that contributes to this? How much of this is my fault? What can I change about this situation? Where did I drop the ball?

If you're anything like me, I think you'll find that, more often than not  there's A LOT you can do if you just stop and ask yourself some of those questions.

Naturally, there will be times when you can't do anything; in those moments just let yourself move on. But keep asking the questions, keep putting yourself under the microscope.

God knows I need to.

T

(if you want to watch the sermon the begot the quote, you can watch it, HERE.)

'I Lift My Eyes Up'

When times are rough.

PREACH.

T

Again...

Disaster, again this week.

So we'll play football tomorrow.

That's how you deal with it, right? You keep going. And, if you're me, you PREACH your way through it. This week's sermon was written for my wife, who's in Maui sitting by her Dad who had a massive stroke on Monday. He lived. They told us the first few days were the most 'touch and go'. Now that he's off life-support and breathing on his own we get to watch and wait to see if he'll ever walk or talk or sail or garden or build or squeeze his grandkids ever again.

(I'm betting he will)

He's 64.

Balls.

Disaster.

Did I mention we've had three deaths in our family this year? Did I further mention that I've lost two major contracts this year? (and I'm not even going to mention the financial impact in this public of a space) It might be enough to say...

I'm thinking of changing my name to 'Job'.

:)

Am I feeling sorry for myself, ourselves? Nope. I'm loving Jesus. Painfully.

Seriously, as we've walked through this, the wife and I have found ourselves leaning more and more closely on the presence and love of Jesus, which has been VERY palpable in our day to day living. Let's not sugar-coat it, we're still in deep--chest pain inducing--stress almost every moment of every day but, simply put, as a result we're finding ourselves forced into moment to moment living in the arms of Christ. Simple.

If Jesus isn't your sustaining mercy and grace and power and joy in these type of seasons that what-in-the-heck-is-the-point-of-a-life-of-faith anyway? Right?

Right.

So we're putting our 'money' where our pain is.

For us, it's onward and upward to Zion. Onward and upward with Jesus. We're LOVING life, in deepest sorrow and insecurity and pain and in 'worst-case scenario' (at least top-ten level) type suffering.

Which is why I'm preaching my heart out this Sunday online from Psalm 121 and why Sam will play his heart out and I'll coach mine out tomorrow.

'Cause we're learning (and teaching him) that life is too wonderful to stop living.

Truth.

T

Just in case you missed the links posted on twitter and facebook this weekend, here's the direct link to my first sermon (of the video preaching era) on youtube.

"Stay HOME and get to WORK"

(or: How to live THROUGH dark times)

A little closer...

Well, we're almost there.

Thought I'd post a wee screen grab from my sermon video for this upcoming Sunday. Yes, I know I look funny, that's kind of the point.

Spent an hour or so today getting the text inserts and final tweaks done. I'm pretty pleased with how it looks and feels.

I'll release it Sunday morning on YouTube. There will be links here there and everywhere from my blog to facebook, twitter and instagram. 

If you're looking forward to it and know some people who you think might benefit from a 'todd-ish' approach to exploring the Bible, please tell them about it. I'm excited to share these around and, obviously, when it comes to this sort of thing, the more people the merrier.

I've been getting a lot of notes online and off expressing excitement about this and I've found that really encouraging. Thanks for your interest.

Looking forward to *seeing you* (or at least *you* seeing me) this coming Sunday Morning.

Much love,

T

Doin' work...

Back at it today.

'Cause of this verse (and my wife, but more on that later)...

"Even so, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should live from the gospel..."
                                                                          -1 Cor 9:14 (NKJV)

I stumbled on that verse a couple weeks back in my daily reading and it jumped off the page at me, as if written just for me.

"Get back to work Todd..."

See, we merged THE WELL (a small church we planted in Burlington 2009) with another Church in the area in April of this year and that merge ended up being a short-lived affair with me ending up church-less and pulpit-less as of June.

Not good, if you're a preacher.

Last time this happened to me (I retired from my first church plant in 2007) I ended up having a very bad couple of years that my wife still refers to every time I get that 'dark look' around my eyes.

"You're not going to pull a 2007 on my, are you?" she'll ask, and I'll get the point.

No Ma'am.

So, I spent the summer thinking and waiting, expecting to get some kind of 'direction' as to what I was supposed to do next work-wise. I was still producing television (and that's going quite well these days) but the loss of a pulpit coupled with the loss of the income that had been coming from preaching was a significant issue that was going to need fixing as soon as possible.

It's hard, in those moments, to 'stand still and see the salvation of God...' when everything in you (or at least in me) wants to rush out and fix things yourself.

Anyway, I was in the midst of waiting (and busy resurrecting my devotional life--which goes through ups and downs) when the above passage in 1 Corinthians grabbed me by the throat.

The message is clear. Paul is saying that, if you're a 'professional preacher' (ie: called of God to preach as evidenced by years in the pulpit and fruitful ministry over the long term) you ought to earn your living from being a preacher.

With, or without a church.

That said, thank God for the internet and for the fact that I'm a TV producer.

So, last week I sat down like I always do (same routine, same system, same music in the earphones) and wrote a new sermon which I shot today on white at my office with some of my TV gear. We'll piece it together this week and post it online in time for this Sunday.

And, so begins another chapter.

As long as someone watches, that is.

The fear attached to that (worrying no one will care to watch) kept me from shooting the sermon all of last week and the first part of this. I was procrastinating because I was afraid. Afraid of failure and rejection. Seems you never unlearn some things.

My wife helped me, as she usually does.

"So, you preached your new sermon yet? I told (so and so) about you posting new sermons and her eyes lit up, for whatever that's worth..."

Sweet wife--knew just what to say.

"No, not yet, I've been scared. I'll do it today though..."

Wonderful woman.

So I did. Shot it. Today.

You'll see it Sunday.

Two points from this:

1) Do what you've been made to do, even if people or circumstances get in your way.
2) Never let fear freeze you forever.

And, shower with your wife. That's where we were when she asked the question that turned the tide.

:)

See you on Sunday!

T

Been a while...

The first time I tried a Triathlon THIS was what happened...

Four years later I redeemed myself.

(that picture is me, after the swim, headed out on the bike and, yes, I'm smiling)

Ran my first Olympic Distance (1.5km swim/40km bike/10km run) Triathlon in June and nailed it! In fact, by the time I reached km 9 on the run I started getting emotional, so strong was the sense of redemption I felt after my abject failure the first time around.

The difference?

This time, as a result of my first failure, I knew what to expect and, because I'd failed SO badly the first time, I was determined to NEVER experience that feeling again so...

I stacked miles.

The key to success with a distance race (as in life) lies in doing the prep work required. Simply put, the first time, I didn't train anywhere near hard enough because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This time (after one more International Sprint distance Tri last year) I knew what to expect and, with that healthy dose of fear in my back pocket, I was able to push myself to train MUCH harder.

I stacked miles.

Running and running and swimming and swimming and riding that race bike farther than I ever thought possible until the distances I was going to have to do on race day, seemed routine.

That's right, routine.

Any challenge in life starts off daunting but (I believe) can become routine...

If you stack enough miles.

And I did, which is why I "did better..."

T

The process...

Our boardroom table covered in the cards for a re-write of one of our biggest scripts. Said script will be going out to several large producers (and a few studios) in H'wood this June so we're hard at it, getting the current draft (#4) ready for a major re-write.

I've been working with a co-writer lately and have found it to be a very rewarding and refreshing process. Two things I find especially helpful, 1) the accountability that comes from knowing someone else is waiting for you at your office to write. This helps immensely with the urge to procrastinate. 2) when you find yourself 'stuck' you have someone to bounce ideas off of, and you get immediate feedback which, I've found, cuts the time that it used to take me to solve a story problem in half (and then half again).

In addition to the above re-write we are developing two original TV drama series concepts as well as getting ready to shoot elements for one (maybe two) feature documentaries this summer.

Add in delivering elements for another documentary that we shipped to a distributor last month as well as prepping for a looming (and possibly life-changing) syndication deal for one of our long-running biography series (which will also mean a 3rd season in production for this fall) and our current talk-series (for an outside client) that's taping its 400th episode this week, and you get a fairly hoppin' production office.

Thankful for that and eager to see what this next season holds.

T

At it...

So, I mentioned that I'm hoping to be spending some more time in L.A this year. The above photo is my one (and only) moment of privacy on my HOME from L.A last month.

I made the mistake of traveling at the end of spring break. Talk about your overcrowding.

The trip was great though; much more productive than I thought my first trip would be. I'm working on setting up season three of one of our series as well as getting ready to shoot elements for two documentary features we have in the pipeline. Additionally I'm shopping a few concepts around, and what's cool, is that this time--for the first time since I started the process of breaking into this business ten years ago--I've actually got ACCESS to people who can help us get ACCESS to people who can greenlight these things.

Major progress.

I realize blogging about your progress can seem like boasting, but I also realize some of you will have been reading this here blog for many years so you'll be able to appreciate the extremely long and difficult process that has been part of this journey so, knowing that, I'm betting you'll be thinking "Phew, it's about time..." rather than "Shut up man, we don't wanna' hear about your so-called success..."

Also, when I read about your positive steps, it makes me feel like the same might be possible for me.

And so on and so forth...

Hoping you have a wonderful Easter!

T

Doin' work...

On-set yesterday and today.

Every time I get to do this I'm reminded of the simple fact that, as a young man, this was what I dreamed of doing.

I've spent literally tens of thousands of hours directing/producing on-set and I still really enjoy it. That's something to be VERY thankful for.

T

What's in store...

This new year is starting out just fine for me.

For whatever reason (probably time, a lot of thinking, and some Divine Intervention) I feel like I'm popping out of the 'season of despair' I've been in since my sweet brother in law died.

I've noticed this because of a change in my productivity mostly.

This 'upswing' might also be due to my wife finally turning me into an actual 'exercise person'. I've gotten to the point, in my current triathlon training cycle, where my body is physically/chemically looking forward to my workouts. I'm swimming, biking and running much further than ever before with much more ease. Case in point, yesterday I jumped in the pool for only the second time this cycle and swam the full race distance (1.5km) in a respectable time. This is a major change from when I jumped in to start my first training cycle three years ago.

Proof that progress is incremental and (if you keep at it) irreversible.

This is encouraging me in my working life as well.

My church is still small (which makes my feel a little tired from time to time) but it seems to be very healthy (as evidenced by people's spiritual growth) and I know, from experience, that healthy things grow.

My show biz life is another story. I feel, on that front, completely perched on the edge of a precipice. It's been three years now that we've been working to take the 'next step' and I feel that this year might finally be the year. We've got several key projects poised to 'pop' from concept into actuality and, if they make that transition, I'll be busier than ever before. I've been writing a lot (with a writing-partner, which has been really fun) and am just generally feeling actualized and ready. We're going to push a little harder to get entrenched in L.A this year (and in the years following) so I expect to be in H'wood a week per month (or so) starting in February, to connect and meet and mesh and see if we can develop some productive synergies there.

I also passed 1,500+ episodes of TV produced this month, so that's something.

I 'get' that progress (personally) can be so intangible so as to make it almost a figment of our imagination, but I can't help feeling like this new year is full of promise.

T

Oh so cold...

Happy New Year!

Hope you've had a wonderful Christmas/Holiday season.

Over the break, the wife, kids and I got to travel to my brother's place in Quebec's Eastern Townships--beautiful country--where we had a great time, despite -27 (no wind chill) temperatures.

Oh so cold...

The above shot was through their front window on our second morning there. Crazy.

I was sitting in the living room after breakfast, watching the light (as filmmaking storytellers tend to do) and saw it creating the above scene on the aforementioned window. I grabbed my phone and spent a few minutes taking various exposures, looking for a great shot.

I was reminded (again) during this process that capturing a 'strong' image requires capturing many 'so-so' ones. I think the shot I ended up picking was one of eight or so options.

This is one of the most frustrating and difficult things about storytelling for the screen, 1) you have to be willing to go through lots of 'so-so' moments before landing on one worth keeping and 2) you have to do a lot of work to get to the point where you have the resources required to do that kind of 'wasteful work', meaning you're able to afford to waste time, energy and money in capturing 'so-so' stuff in the pursuit of that one great moment.

I'll never forget hearing a quote from Susan Sarandon, reflecting on what it 'takes' to be an actor. She was saying that she felt it wasn't the hardest work in the world because, "You only have to get it *right* once, and you have all day to get it right..."

That's the trick, isn't it?

Having the time to get it right.

Assuming, of course, that you're good enough--in the first place--to know 'right' from 'wrong', 'strong' from 'so-so', 'awesome' from 'meh'.

Hoping to leverage myself into some more of those protracted moments this year.

I hope 2013's a great one for you!

See you on set.

T