waiting...

That's how I feel today.

Staring off into the distance, waiting for my ship to come in.

I realize the shot's taken on queen street in Toronto and that they're waiting for the streetcar but cut me some slack here people.  I love how the distance is blown out (I pushed the exposure to get the effect I wanted), how they're staring into the light waiting for hope, warmth, transport.

Today we'll either get a 'yes' or a 'no' on a contract we've been working on securing since the spring of 2008.  At this point in the game, my wife and I are back at the edge of a cliff.  Yes, I know, I've been here before.  I'm a little baffled to find myself back here and I will confess to doing some introspection re: how much of this recurring theme is connected to me and my various character or work-ethic flaws and how much of it is, well for lack of a better term...

Kismet.

As I look back on the history of my family, we're prone to this kind of living.  On the edge type stuff.  Money is never plentiful but life is always full type living.  Trust as the bedrock type existence.

I don't feel tired.

Last time I was here (scroll back in the blog to fall leading into Christmas 2007) I most definitely was.  We were well past breaking point then.  Today, as I was buying groceries I caught myself wondering why I didn't feel as badly this time around.

I mean, the particularities of our situation are similar.  Money running out, pressure mounting, no 'actual' prospects in sight.

But here's the key difference.

Last year was year-two of my transition from 'full-time preacher sometime producer' to 'full-time producer sometime preacher'.  Last year was the apex of two years of suffering and working very hard to re-discover and re-define who I was professionally and personally.  Last year, true, we had no 'actual' prospects in sight but we didn't have any real 'potential' prospects brewing either.

This year is totally different.

As I speak (or write)...

-My first feature film is being watched by two major U.S distribution companies who are very close to picking us up.

-A co-development deal is supposedly passing 'legal' at a production company office in NYC before being sent my way so that we (myself, my business partner and said NYC-based prodco who have a major series currently airing on U.S Network television...) can start developing it together for pitching to U.S cable.

-A contract should have been signed last night (that we're awaiting news on today) that will lock 104 new bio-documentary episodes of a very exciting TV series we've developed that should start airing in prime time on Canadian network television this September.

-A spin-off talk-television series based on the above bio-doc series is already in the works.

-A new kids show pitch I wrote last week is in to a major kids broadcaster.

-A 'reality tv' series for 'dudes' will be in to a specialty cable network as soon as march break is over and the VP gets back.  His assistant already has it.

-A major U.S star and his mgmt are reading a script I co-wrote with a writer friend from Austin and the cable network said star has done much of his recent work with is reading it too.

-A re-write on a super-cool sci-fi thriller script I've developed with a writer out of L.A (that he subsequently wrote for us on assignment) should be crossing my desk any day after which it'll go out for graphic novel consideration and to my film reps in L.A to see about setting up.

-And I got an idea this week for a way to (I think) preach on a recurring basis, in my home town (starting out once a month) without planting a Church...

So you see...one year, similar circumstances and pressures, totally different realities.

This is a reminder to me, and to you, that life doesn't ever get easy.  

No matter where you're at or how far you've come or how far you have yet to go, life's never going to take the pressure off. My sense is that, even if the financial stresses weren't quite a bleak as they currently are, I'd feel just as stressed because the stakes were higher, or what I stood to lose that much greater.

I walked out of the grocery store thankful to be alive, thankful to be able to buy today's 'daily bread' and reminded of the fact that...

Without a vision, the people perish.

The difference between last year and this is that this year, I look into the distance and I can see the shape(s) of things to come hiding in the light.

T

feelin' the fear...

Tough moment today.

First my business partner calls me, then my wife.  Both of 'em worried 'cause I'm about to go in and interview a man who's considered one of Canada's most liberal theologians.  His book, pictured above, is a full-frontal assault on the faith my family (on both sides) has spent generations proclaiming.  In fact, in the course of the interview, he took a moment to rake the South American Evangelical revival over the coals blaming the Western 'literalist missionaries' for wreaking havoc there that will take centuries to undo.

My grandfather (mother's father) was that missionary.  

Literally, three of the four main Argentine Evangelists working today (and for the past thirty years) Juan Carlos Ortiz, Luis Palao and Ed Silvoso were mentored by E. Howard Kerr, my beloved, brilliant, poetic, prophetic sage of a Grandfather.

It was so crazy, I almost coughed up a lung right there.

Didn't rake him over the coals though.  Didn't tell him about the hundreds of thousands of people whose lives have been changed--radically--by the teaching of those three, teaching they learned at the feet of my grandpa.

Back to the start of the interview.

I almost freaked out.  I had been reading Tom's book and the weight of it, the oppressive power of it--he's a strong mind to be sure--was really weighing on me.  Add to that the strong insecurity that's been going on in my life this week career-wise (we're waiting on a signed contract that will secure the next year and half of our life and are right up against the end of our reserve income...once again) and I told Niki that I felt like this moment was either the beginning of a whole new thing for me or the end.

I know it sounds melodramatic but it was serious moment.

Anyway, I went in, did the interview (25 minutes that felt like 6 which is the surest gauge there is that your interview is rockin'...) and he didn't eat me alive.  He wasn't so brilliant that I had nothing to say.  I was able to keep pace, able to ask questions to take it where I'd hoped to go, able to get him to open up, able to make him laugh and pause and hesitate.  

It was good.

I was relieved.

Goes to show you that, even when you're quite terrified of a thing, if you can find a way to man up and see it through, more often than not you'll find yourself doing a good thing, surviving and making something of your life and work.

Scary though in the process.

It'll be very interesting to see what kind of reaction the special gets when we air it Easter Sunday.

T

finding the central truth of it all...

True story.

We lost Jesus this Christmas.

Well, not "Jesus" Jesus, but 'Baby Jesus' from our Nativity scene.  This happens all the time in our house.  We have four small kids (all of 'em under nine) and our two year old is a menace. She--like Stich from Disney's "Lilo and Stich"--destroys everything she touches.  Seriously, I have to search for the TV remote every single night.

It's crazy like that.

(just found Him today--a little moldy--but still Jesus...)

So, I wasn't really surprised when Niki reported to me that Baby Jesus had gone awol.  It was right in the middle of the Christmas season and so we lived out the rest of the holiday with an empty manger.

Like the rest of society.

All these people rushing around with empty mangers in their heart.

Lest you think I'm getting religious on you...

Imagine Jesus as the central truth of the story you're looking to render for the screen.  Imagine he's the theme--the crux (sorry) of it all.  Imagine your story without that central truth.  Would you still have a story?

What if Harry and Sally just fell in love at first sight?  What if there were no Dinosaurs at Jurrassic Park?  What if the Godfather decided he needed to repent and go straight?  What if E.T had come to stay?

Every story has a central truth to it without which you have no story worth telling.

I'm preparing to interview Tom Harpur, author of 'The Pagan Christ' tomorrow.  I've been reading his book and the thesis of it is that Jesus Christ as we Christians have come to know Him is not a historical person, God-Incarnate, but rather a synthesis of ancient pagan 'Christos' myths.

Needless to say it's been tiresome reading.

I'm going to ask him why he still calls himself a Christian if he's divorced himself from an actual Christ.

Me personally, I figure if it's just a myth I'm wasting my time.

Same thing with your stories.  If there's no deep truth to it you might just be assembling a bunch of pretty pictures with no meaning.

Seems to me, the whole point of storytelling is to take your audience away.  Seems to me the whole goal of it is soul-transport.

And to take people away--to lift them up--you have to believe something and believe it strong.

No room for the nebulous for we dream-weavers.

Tension, yes.  Uncertain hope by times, sure.  Insecurity, yup.  But a total lack of a story foundation?  No theme?  No truth?  No drive?  No stakes?  Nothing to gain, nothing to lose?

No Jesus?

That would be one sucky Christmas.  

That would be 'Max Payne'.

And that would be some sucky preaching.  A Church we tried on for size for nearly a year didn't mention our lost baby Jesus once.  

Is your story sucking?  Is the vision you're casting for your workplace vacuous?

Is your truth getting moldy?

Don't let it happen.

Go find that baby.

T

Pizza and movie night...

"Space Jam" starring Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes was our film last night.

Again, and as is usually the case, this is a film we've seen before.  You'll hear them tell you that when kids find something they like they tend to keep coming back to it again and again.  It's especially true of my kids and their movies.

My son calls this movie 'a classic...'  He was genuinely thrilled to bring it home.  

The story is simple.  The Looney Tunes are to be kidnapped by aliens and enslaved at an extra-terrestrial theme park (maybe it's not so simple...) and somehow Michael Jordan gets embroiled in it.  The evil aliens decide to challenge the Looney Tunes to a 'game' to see whether they're to be enslaved or not and they decide on basketball.  The evil aliens steal the 'skills' of a set of NBA stars and the Tunes get trained by MJ.

The rest unfolds pretty much as you'd expect.

The thrill of it is in seeing your beloved Looney Tunes in a story world that's very different from where we see them on Saturday mornings.

Two things strike me about it.

The CG stands up these years later and my kids--including my two year old--stay hooked to it all the way through.

If you or your kids love basketball you'll love this film.  If you're not a huge sports family your kids will still love this film if for no other reason than they get to spend a couple hours with Bugs and Co.

T

you're just like me...

First, I gotta' say, I'm shooting EVERYTHING long lens on my next film.

Secondly, I gotta' say...

You.  Are just.  Like me.

Here's why.

I said to Niki last week, "You know the liquor store looks no less busy than it did at the height of the boom.  The only thing I'm doing is buying cheaper wine."  

"Baron Philippe De Rothschild" to be precise.

That's the wine you're looking at up there, shot just now, on a sunny early March day in my backyard.

It's good wine.  Simple, not fussy, and $19.95 for 1.5L.

Now, look at it this way.  When was the last time you bought a sub-$10 bottle of wine?  If you're me, the answer is 'never'.  I assume $9 wine is gonna' suck.  But, since things have turned a little more stressed financially--for me and perhaps for many of you as our economy convulses some-I've had no problem paying the equivalent of $9.975/750ml.

It's good wine.

And what is it--exactly--that we want from wine?

We want to sip it as we sit with someone we love.  Then we want it to make our legs warm and our heads/hearts light(er).  Then we want it to make the someone we love take their clothes off.

[hopefully your kids aren't reading this... :) ]

Am I right or am I right?

So two points from this post.

1) It's the simple things in life that fulfill.  Wine makes light the heart of man.  God made it that way.  Jesus himself was known to pour it on even after the party had gotten a little out of hand. If you don't agree, you've never been to a Jewish wedding lemme' tell you.  Remember to enjoy those lighter, happier, simpler, friendlier moments especially when you're stressed.  If you can do it with friends, even better.

2) The day after I said to Nik what I said re: my wine purchasing habits I heard a report on the news that said that beer and wine purchases are up in the recession and that that's a pattern from previous recessions.  They went on to say that people don't stop buying wine.  They keep buying--and typically buy a bit more--but they migrate to cheaper brands.

Just like me and you.

And that blew my mind 'cause it reminded me that we need to trust our instincts.

Too often as preachers/storytellers/business leaders/parents/lovers we second guess our instincts.  We feel like 'this' is the right thing to do and the right way to do it but we get insecure.  We wonder if our tastes are truly universal.  We wonder if what we're worried about others are worried about.  We stop ourselves from speaking up 'cause we're afraid of being ostracized.  

When all the while everyone around you is doing the same thing as you.

So, write that story, preach that sermon, take your company in that direction, raise those kids, seduce that wife.

You know in your heart what's right.

Trust yourself.

And do it.

T

ps: stay tuned for my 'pizza and movie night' post coming tomorrow morning...

boardrooms...

As we speak my immediate future--and that of my wife and four babies--is being decided in a room very much like the one pictured above.  In fact the similarities are eerie.  

This is one of the difficult things with working to be in the motion-picture arts while maintaining some sense of autonomy or creative freedom.  No matter how 'independent' you think you are, you're always going to have some kind of boardroom looming over you.

Of course, if you work on the 'inside' you lose your independence but because you're part of the 'family'--regardless of how dysfunctional--your future tends to be closely tied to the future of the firm.  This, of course, is why many large corporations are less effective or productive than they might otherwise be because the people on the inside have to focus on staying 'in favor' and in the 'good books' of those who sit around the aforementioned tables.

So instead of just focusing on doing their job well they have to focus (as well) on staying tuned into and in harmony with the various 'family dynamics' that are realities at their particular corporation.

So I, as and indie-producer, have much of what my life and work looks like governed by the decisions at said table and the same is true of those who are less independent, or more 'owned'.

The upside for me?  A little more autonomy and a bit more of a ruthless ethic when it comes to whether or not I get to keep working.  So long as I 'perform' and 'deliver' I should be able to stay in the good graces of the corporations with which I have a working relationship.  It really comes down (75% or so) to my performance.  The downside?  Well, since I'm not 'family' I will not be treated as such which means that there's a chance for me to be dealt with a little callously or unfairly.  That's the price of independence.

The upside for them?  They have a team of many to work with and many times the resources of your typical indie producer.  Vast resources that can turn their ideas into reality MUCH quicker than would happen if you were working outside the system.  The downside?  Well, they have more committees and focus groups and working lunches than you can imagine.  They spend a lot of time talking with their team, building consensus, leveraging interests and making sure their neck isn't stuck out too far.  It's just a different kind of game.

Seems to me that it's not so much which way is 'better'--though if 'output' is your measurement those working within the system are much more successful than those working without--but rather which way most closely suits the way you are wired and want to work.  Some people work better in a corporate structure and some work better alone.

The thing is, the resources and leverage of the corporation will always, at some point, be needed by the independent and the ingenuity and quick turnaround time and focused work ethic of the independent will often been needed by the corporation.

Which leads to days like today where an independent sits on pins and needles while, at the corporation, a meeting takes place around a table.

It's a crazy, crazy world.

T

new life...

A flower from last year, still hanging on in my backyard.

Teaching me a lesson.

Even when things look dead, there's still beauty to be found if you focus in close enough.  Also, the light is what makes the difference.  I'm reminded to watch for the light--a city on a hill which cannot be hidden--in the midst of my life 'cause it will bring life to the dark places.

Even though sometimes things die, spring always follows winter and new life rises up anew. No matter how bleak things look for you or for me as we pursue the things we feel called to, we do well to remember spring.  Anticipate that new life, look for it, make plans on it.  It'll be here before you know it and there's no point getting caught unawares.

You have to take time in your day to just sit and watch your kids play and--if you're a preacher or a storyteller, make sure you have a notepad nearby so you can jot down the ideas that will start coming.  If you're a filmmaker, have your camera nearby so that when you notice the light getting nice you can start shooting.

Remember with your characters to write that life, death, new life arc into their troubles, trials, tribulations, victories and joys.

Remember with your sermons to preach the full scope of the Gospel message.  Too often we gloss over the darkness, de-emphasize struggle or pain, or the costs of sin and evil when the great beauty of that greatest of stories is the glory that is to be found through struggle.  The point must always be made that through death came life.

The challenge for us, as pilgrims and storytellers is to hang on--like my flower--and wait for the light, wait for the warmth, wait for the sun...

For spring to come.

T