sleepless...

My wife hates this picture.

She doesn't usually read my blog--I think she's kind of embarrassed by it, private person that she is--but if today's an exception, I'm sorry babe I think it's kinda' cool.

'Course you might be thinking I look like a stupid version of Avril Lavigne but I'm betting you're wondering about the mouthpiece sticking out of the right (left) side of my mouth.

"Why is he chewing on a mouthpiece?"

Well, building is tough.  I've had to exert myself so much that my forearms literally 'kill' just sitting here typing this.  Stay with me.  I know you're not getting it yet.  See, I have had some 'work' done on my teeth.  I call them my 'Harley' 'cause they cost quite a bit.  I got veneers done on my front six teeth because, over the years, I had ground them down while sleeping.

"No problem, so you have smaller teeth..." you say, which would be true except that I'm a TV guy and that means I often am on TV and the problem with being on TV with small teeth and an upper lip that overhangs is that--when the lighting hits you--your lip casts a shadow over your small teeth making you look toothless which isn't exactly the best way to make a great impression on your viewing audience.

It was my dentist who started it all.  He'd seen me on TV and exclaimed, "You HAVE to let me do something about your teeth!"

I hadn't really ever thought about it THAT much 'till then (I mean I knew I used to have good teeth and that--somewhere around 23 or so that had started changing and I didn't feel exactly 'great' about it) but, since then, I've certainly been aware of it. Remember how 'Extreme Makeover Home Edition' was a spin-off of the original 'Extreme Makeover' where these people (mostly women) would get their lives (supposedly) turned around by having all kinds of 'work' done?  They'd always talk about how their 'self-esteem' had improved etc. etc.

I always thought they were overdoing it.

Then I had my 'work' done.

And it made a difference.

Anyway, right after I got them done (last summer) I was at my brother's family's cottage doing some super-intense windsurfing and I was straining so much I popped one of the veneers right off.  Fortunately I was able to save it and my dentist re-attached it for free.  Since then I've popped three others off, one of them twice.  That's FIVE re-attachments in less than a year.

Needless to say I'm wishing my 'Harley' had come with a warranty.

So that's why I've been renovating with a mouthpiece in.

In fact, I have it in right now.

Why?  Well it's 4:03am right now and I've been up since 2:45am.  Why?  Well, I had a really bad dream that I haven't been able to shake and, with me, if I get truly woken up in the middle of the night my imagination and thought-life often get the better of me 'causing me to be up for a couple hours.  I'm going to suffer tomorrow.

(some might say I'm suffering now)

The reason I have my mouthguard in is because I sleep with it in--back to the grinding thing--and when I wake up I typically keep it in as I've gotten quite used to having it around.

Here's the point.

You can't fix yourself.

If I had my normal, 'small', less-than-perfectly-attractive teeth I'd never have to have this crazy mouthguard on me.  I wouldn't worry about it when I travel and wouldn't ever pop my veneers off because I'd forgotten it.  

If I had my normal, God-given, teeth I would look less-good on television.

Which, in the long-term, is the greater 'cross to bear'?

Point is, there's never going to be a perfect situation.  Having been up in the middle of the night for going on an hour and a half now I've been doing some thinking.  Typical for middle of the night musing most of my thinking has been sad type thinking.  I've been remembering moments with friends (and former friends) where I handled things poorly.  I've been wishing I could go back.  I've been remembering times where I was treated badly by people in my life.  I'm wishing I could erase the hurt.  I'm recalling disappointment and disillusionment and despair.  I'm feeling like life is hard.

That's why so many movies are set at night.

That's why so many sermons speak of the dark being banished by the light.

I find that in moments like these I just have to surrender to this process of living, and grieving and hoping 'cause there's no such thing as a perfect life and there's no way I know to make pain or sorrow stop.

I do know (like the black preacher) that the morning's going to come and that--despite my fatigue--I'll feel better in the light.  I do know that night (here in the shadowlands) won't last forever and that one day I'll awaken in His likeness.

I'm mindful just now of the fact that I need to communicate all this very honestly and clearly when I speak and when I write and when I produce.

Yes, life is dark.  Yes pain is real.  And yet, hope exists.  

T

waiting...

That's how I feel today.

Staring off into the distance, waiting for my ship to come in.

I realize the shot's taken on queen street in Toronto and that they're waiting for the streetcar but cut me some slack here people.  I love how the distance is blown out (I pushed the exposure to get the effect I wanted), how they're staring into the light waiting for hope, warmth, transport.

Today we'll either get a 'yes' or a 'no' on a contract we've been working on securing since the spring of 2008.  At this point in the game, my wife and I are back at the edge of a cliff.  Yes, I know, I've been here before.  I'm a little baffled to find myself back here and I will confess to doing some introspection re: how much of this recurring theme is connected to me and my various character or work-ethic flaws and how much of it is, well for lack of a better term...

Kismet.

As I look back on the history of my family, we're prone to this kind of living.  On the edge type stuff.  Money is never plentiful but life is always full type living.  Trust as the bedrock type existence.

I don't feel tired.

Last time I was here (scroll back in the blog to fall leading into Christmas 2007) I most definitely was.  We were well past breaking point then.  Today, as I was buying groceries I caught myself wondering why I didn't feel as badly this time around.

I mean, the particularities of our situation are similar.  Money running out, pressure mounting, no 'actual' prospects in sight.

But here's the key difference.

Last year was year-two of my transition from 'full-time preacher sometime producer' to 'full-time producer sometime preacher'.  Last year was the apex of two years of suffering and working very hard to re-discover and re-define who I was professionally and personally.  Last year, true, we had no 'actual' prospects in sight but we didn't have any real 'potential' prospects brewing either.

This year is totally different.

As I speak (or write)...

-My first feature film is being watched by two major U.S distribution companies who are very close to picking us up.

-A co-development deal is supposedly passing 'legal' at a production company office in NYC before being sent my way so that we (myself, my business partner and said NYC-based prodco who have a major series currently airing on U.S Network television...) can start developing it together for pitching to U.S cable.

-A contract should have been signed last night (that we're awaiting news on today) that will lock 104 new bio-documentary episodes of a very exciting TV series we've developed that should start airing in prime time on Canadian network television this September.

-A spin-off talk-television series based on the above bio-doc series is already in the works.

-A new kids show pitch I wrote last week is in to a major kids broadcaster.

-A 'reality tv' series for 'dudes' will be in to a specialty cable network as soon as march break is over and the VP gets back.  His assistant already has it.

-A major U.S star and his mgmt are reading a script I co-wrote with a writer friend from Austin and the cable network said star has done much of his recent work with is reading it too.

-A re-write on a super-cool sci-fi thriller script I've developed with a writer out of L.A (that he subsequently wrote for us on assignment) should be crossing my desk any day after which it'll go out for graphic novel consideration and to my film reps in L.A to see about setting up.

-And I got an idea this week for a way to (I think) preach on a recurring basis, in my home town (starting out once a month) without planting a Church...

So you see...one year, similar circumstances and pressures, totally different realities.

This is a reminder to me, and to you, that life doesn't ever get easy.  

No matter where you're at or how far you've come or how far you have yet to go, life's never going to take the pressure off. My sense is that, even if the financial stresses weren't quite a bleak as they currently are, I'd feel just as stressed because the stakes were higher, or what I stood to lose that much greater.

I walked out of the grocery store thankful to be alive, thankful to be able to buy today's 'daily bread' and reminded of the fact that...

Without a vision, the people perish.

The difference between last year and this is that this year, I look into the distance and I can see the shape(s) of things to come hiding in the light.

T

Me n' the boys...

Once in a while your dreams do come true...

My whole life I dreamed of having two boys.  Dreamed of taking them with me to watch pro-football games.  Dreamed that they'd love it, love me, love each other.

That would be Daddy and Sammie (front) and Jordie (back) at the Argos/B.C Lions game this past friday.  

See?

There is hope.

Once in a while you have a day that's pure and good and glorious and wonderful in and of itself. It leaves nothing to be desired, leaves no stone unturned, it fair sparkles in its perfect happiness.

That was my Friday.

And that's the thing for you to keep in mind today, friend reader.  Sometimes dreams come true.  Sometimes.  And that 'sometimes' is the reason we keep getting out of bed every day.  We know, deep in the core of us, that though today might be grey and lonely and tough, 'tomorrow' is coming.  

I know that can sound corny and Disney-fied.  I get that.  The thing is, if the hope of a brighter tomorrow sounds that way to you, my fear is that you've become embittered and jaded.  And the 'you' I'm referring to is, of course, me.  I find there's a need to keep checking and re-checking my soul/inner compass for weeds and darkness.

Seems to me you can choose to live a life that's hopeless or a life that's hopeful.  It's almost like there really are two sides to the coin when it comes to a worldview.

So many of the people I meet in the arts and in professional ministry come across as deeply jaded and embittered.  I understand why.  Maybe your life/career has beat you down to the point that you've all but lost your joy, all but relinquished your right to hope for a brighter day someday in the future.

Life is like that.

Thing is you're not just a human/animal.  Regardless of what you believe about life/God/the universe I would hazard to guess that even on your darkest days you can spot the difference between us and a polar bear, us and a horse, us and a silverback.  

There's a sparkle in the eye of the human that says it knows, deep down at the core of it, that there is a future worth living for, that all is not lost, that hope does--in fact--spring eternal, that sense will be made of this mess sooner or later.

That dreams do, in fact and after all, come true.

Someday, somewhere...

It's been said that three things remain at the end of it all and those three are faith (the stubborn belief in something 'more' beyond the unseen...) hope (natch) and love.  In it's original context we're told the greatest of these is love and none of us would dispute that, but for today, the most needfully memorable of these is...

Hope.

Springing eternal, flashing like sunrise, blazing like fire, booming like thunder, across centuries, galaxies, relational divides, making your stories soar and your sermons worth the paper they're written on, turning your job from mundane into magical, making your wife a princess, a lover, a dancer, a mother, a girlfriend, an icon, turning your kids into princes and princesses, heirs of a kingdom that is here and not yet, recipients of your love, of your largesse of a piece a pizza and an ice cream cone and two tickets to the game.

Hope.

Write your stories with it and lace your sermons with it and live your average everyday life by it...

And you just might be alright.

T

The Beautiful Things...

Nothing like uncertainty to focus your vision.

I do realize that this 'season' of blogging may come across a little more 'mopey' than my "I'm a strong, cool, got-it-together kind of guy" self-image would typically be comfortable with, but them's the breaks when you're waiting for a deal to close.

Update on that:

Last I heard, days ago, the 'honcho' was going to look over the budgets then get back to us with what I was told would be a 'green light' as they wanted us to start actually working the first week of December.

Well it's the first week and I'm still waiting.

My biz-partner is fond of telling me that things are moving 'lightning fast' by 'corporate standards' and that I should relax.  The harsh reality is that things aren't moving anywhere near fast enough for me, since it's Christmas and I've got four beautiful things to take care of.

See 'em up top?  Lovely no?

One thing my parents never did (and my parents are wonderful by the way) was talk to us about money.  We never really had any clear sense of what they made or how they managed their money.  My impression (and I could be wrong, y'never know when your Mom might find your blog...) was that they kept it to themselves by way of sheltering us from the stress of it and because it was kind of a 'generational thing' inherited from their parents...you just don't talk about certain things.

I wanted to be a little more transparent with my kids.  

Now, I've certainly not gone 'full disclosure' with them.  They're not aware of the particularities of our current 'transitional financial state' but they do know that we're waiting for these 'deals' to close; to the point that they've started praying for it.  

In classically 'childlike' manner, they're praying for the deals to close so that we can buy them the things they've asked for from us for Christmas.  They've got no stress about the things they've asked Santa for since, according to them, "The Big Guy's made of money..."  But that ne'er do well father of theirs, well he's gotta' close them deals.  Sarah said at breakfast today; "Well, why don't you just close 'em daddy?"  

My thoughts exactly.

So we wait.

And our mental state while waiting is increasingly fragile.  Niki and I typically wake up stressed, don't talk much while prepping breakfast, calm down a bit by our second cup of coffee then ramp up to stressed again by lunch then off a bit for the busy afternoon, then back up for dinner after which we try to do our best to not think about anything other than the next episode of 'Lost' or the latest romantic comedy I've rented for her.  And, yes, I'm aware that food has a lot to do with our emotional cycles.

In all seriousness, it's a dance to keep one's state of mind (and spirit) in healthy orientation.  I keep thinking of Job and spurring myself on to love God in the midst of this 'dark' (relatively speaking of course, I'm consistently reminded that there are many [MANY] out there suffering to much greater degree than us...) season that's stretching on to two years now.

Niki said it yesterday... "Man, we've been 'church-less' for two years..."

Two.  Years.

Jordie picked up on the phrase; "Yup', we're ChurchLess", like he likes how it rolls off his tongue.  The kids have started lobbying for us to plant another Church. They still ask about our old one which is endearing 'cause when asked for specifics about what they remember of it, things get real hazy real fast.  

Adding to the tension is the lack of a 'backup plan'.  That'll cause your heart to constrict right there (and God help me if my Mother-in-LAW find this...) Amazes me sometimes.  I wonder if I'm irresponsible or faithful.  After thinking on it for a bit I tend to land on the latter, simply because I decided to sell my life out to following the path of faith many, many, years ago now. I don't really have any other options.  As I've said many times before, it really does come down to whether or not you actually believe that God exists.  If you don't, then live your life.  If you do, well then, "My life is God's life now..." is how I put it once.

So, reduced to that kind of faithful foolishness, one has very little recourse but to live life moment to moment doing one's best to focus on all the beautiful things you encounter along the way while you wait for God to do His thing.

Things like a great egg and cheese sandwich made for my wife and I this morning. Things like a great sex life (oops, Mom or wife might be reading this...) and a marriage that is still glorious after nearly eleven years.  (We were sitting by our Christmas tree this week, eggnog to hand, candles burning, and Niki looked over at picture of us on the wall.  "We've been doing this a really long time."  She said. "I'm so amazed it hasn't gotten old." 

Things like glorious kids with eyes that shine.

I've been thinking about atheism lately (there's been some ruckus about it and connected to me at an online community I'm part of) and I just can't square it with my gorgeous kids or the lovely way in which the bark on my backyard tree spirals up towards the sky.

None of those beautiful things make any kind of sense in a world with no God.  

Last time I checked, 'natural selection' didn't care about beauty, just survival (and don't go commenting about how 'beauty' enhances reproductive ability...I already thought that one through...) and all around me I see...

The beautiful things.

So I keep on believing.

T