pressing on...

This is going to be one of those weeks where I'm preaching to MYSELF at THE WELL.

See, I'm feeling tired and a little down.

Here's a snippet from the text I'll be working with:

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal..." 

(Phil 3:13b-14a ESV)

I need to hear that.

It's not that this feeling is strange. I've been here before. I'll be here again.  It's a 'season'; a 'waiting' season.  We're coming to the end of what has become (in the last three years) a four month period of silence to begin the year.  This is due in large part to the rhythms of the entertainment business.  Spring/Summer is a wild rush to get proposal, treatments and scripts in to the powers that be. By Fall whatever we're going to be working on, we're working on. We then work through 'till Christmas.  Fall has a second smaller rush to try and get some work set up for the new year. This rush inevitably doesn't play out before Christmas and, therefore, the thing you were working on gets put aside the week before Christmas and nobody even starts thinking straight again 'till the third week of January.

Then, from January 'till April/May you wait.

And wait.

And...

Well, you get the idea.

I hate waiting.  It's hard, it's uncertain, it tests my faith.

The real challenge for me in a 'waiting season' is to keep my mental/emotional/creative energy level consistently high and my hope simmering.  See, in a 'waiting season' you're still required to come up with good ideas. You're waiting for the 'good idea' you worked on last year to get approved but, while waiting for that, you're working on other ideas--typically three to five good ones--that you hope will get sifted to one or two that actually get traction for the next year.

In an ideal world, that way, you'd end up with one project that keeps rolling to which you'd add subsequent ones.

In all my years as a producer I've never yet had one success followed by another.  I've had projects happen, projects run their course and projects close. Then I've gotten another project going, only to repeat the cycle.

Which is fine, but my hope is to get to the point where I've got a few eggs in different baskets that keep rolling.

And it 'aint easy.

An ad on FB reminded me of this yesterday. It was for a 'Masters of Divinity' distance-Ed course and it promised (as all ads do) that you'd end up with a GREAT job as a pastor in "...a variety of pastoral roles..." if you'd JUST sign up, pay for, and complete their course.

Liars.

First, most distance-Ed courses (especially in theology) are kinda' suspect. Second, just 'cause you have a degree in a thing, doesn't mean you're going to get a job doing that thing.

Plus, 'pastoring' 'aint a 'growth industry' nor is it a 'job' but rather a calling. Going to school 'aint going to give you a 'calling'.

Same deal with show-biz. I've often told people (when speaking a various events) that you shouldn't get into ministry OR show-biz UNLESS you're called. It's just too tough, too depressing, too relationally charged, too set up for failure, too disillusioning to do it for any other reason than "I HAVE to do this..."

'Cause it 'aint easy.

Point here (for me) is I'm feeling tired.  Feeling like I don't want to wait anymore. Feeling like I'd rather not be doing what I'm doing these days.

Melodramatic?

I don't mean to be. Just trying to tell the truth, mostly to help me process, get it 'out there' and see if I feel better and/or learn something as a result and also to (perhaps) encourage those of you who might be dealing with similar feelings.

What does it mean to "Forget what lies behind..."/"Strain forward..."/"Press on..." in your context, or mine?  What SPECIFIC things do you need to be doing with your days to fulfill those three? What are you going to need to do (and to whom will you turn) to help you find the strength to keep going when you feel like quitting?

What is the source of your (my) hope?

Are you really called to be doing what you're doing?

If not, when are you going to quit and what will the fallout be?  If you are called, what's it going to take for you to stop moping and keep going?

Interesting side note:

I've been feeling a bit 'down' with attendance at THE WELL. We're starting to see the 'Spring/Summer Slump' hit our attendance.

I thought it was because of me...

So I ran the numbers.

And if you compare our first 16 weeks in existence (Sep-Dec 2009) to the last 16 weeks (Jan-April 2010) our attendance has (in fact) grown by 76% and our giving has grown by 63% both of which are EXPLOSIVE numbers for this 'industry'.

So, I have (contrary to my mood) every reason to be encouraged.

I'm also (listen up all you entrepreneurs) feeling a little 'blah' because THE WELL is planted now and I don't feel the same urgency I felt before it existed.  The tendency now (for guys like me) is to get bored and start thinking about moving on.

Not gonna' do that this time--I LEARNED my lesson.

Instead I'll take a friend's advice and do whatever it takes (expansion, new services, new complexities, new staff, new creative initiatives) to KEEP planting this new church so that I stay 'engaged' in the process.

Also, I've been really busy the last couple weeks with producing a music video and getting budgets and proposals ready and trying to find new post-production space so that's kept me out of my Bible more than it should--and I'm here to tell you--if you stop reading your Bible every day (for even a week) you'll find, as I do, that you start getting down about life.

I gotta' hit that book.

Gonna' do it right now in-fact.

We're ten days away, BTW, from an answer on our current series. I look forward to letting you know how that goes.  Either way, it'll mean another significant shift in my time-management requirements, outlook, hopes, fears and ambitions.

If you're in the Burlington area, c'mon out and see me this Sunday to see how the above passage (and the thoughts swirling around it) 'preach' or podcast it sometime next week.

Hope your day goes (a little) better because of this.

Now go read your Bible...

T

waiting...

I'm sure I've mentioned this before.

Waiting is difficult.

That puts me squarely in the middle of a difficult season. I'm currently waiting for a bunch of projects to 'firm up' or get finally rejected.

The key ones include:

-a feature film distribution deal

-several syndication deals for a TV series

-renewal on a TV series

-development progress on a TV series

-funding for a graphic novel initiative

While waiting for those to 'do their thing' I'm working as fast as possible to 'develop' as many ideas as possible.

Those include:

-4 new 'adventure-style' TV series

-A new sit-com

-A new micro-budget feature-film script

-3 feature-scripts for packaging consideration

And--if you were to be really ruthless in your assessment you'd say that NONE of 'em are happening (right now), which could make you one sleepless dude.

Unless you trust.

That's my challenge these days (and perhaps always in my line of work). Learning to trust and allowing that trust to filter into my angst and give me peace.

It does feel like we're slowly starting to 'solidify' as 'real' adults.  Starting to get some actual 'momentum' under us.

Slowly.

My hope is that my friend (the 46 year-old mogul) was right when he looked at me and said (a couple months back...) "You're how old, again?" (I answered) "Oh, yeah, you're just getting started. Watch, these next ten years will be where you really start to pick up steam..."

Plus we found out it's 'my year' (Tiger) this year, so that's supposed to be a good thing (!)

If you're Chinese...

T (aka: "Ting")

waiting...

That's how I feel today.

Staring off into the distance, waiting for my ship to come in.

I realize the shot's taken on queen street in Toronto and that they're waiting for the streetcar but cut me some slack here people.  I love how the distance is blown out (I pushed the exposure to get the effect I wanted), how they're staring into the light waiting for hope, warmth, transport.

Today we'll either get a 'yes' or a 'no' on a contract we've been working on securing since the spring of 2008.  At this point in the game, my wife and I are back at the edge of a cliff.  Yes, I know, I've been here before.  I'm a little baffled to find myself back here and I will confess to doing some introspection re: how much of this recurring theme is connected to me and my various character or work-ethic flaws and how much of it is, well for lack of a better term...

Kismet.

As I look back on the history of my family, we're prone to this kind of living.  On the edge type stuff.  Money is never plentiful but life is always full type living.  Trust as the bedrock type existence.

I don't feel tired.

Last time I was here (scroll back in the blog to fall leading into Christmas 2007) I most definitely was.  We were well past breaking point then.  Today, as I was buying groceries I caught myself wondering why I didn't feel as badly this time around.

I mean, the particularities of our situation are similar.  Money running out, pressure mounting, no 'actual' prospects in sight.

But here's the key difference.

Last year was year-two of my transition from 'full-time preacher sometime producer' to 'full-time producer sometime preacher'.  Last year was the apex of two years of suffering and working very hard to re-discover and re-define who I was professionally and personally.  Last year, true, we had no 'actual' prospects in sight but we didn't have any real 'potential' prospects brewing either.

This year is totally different.

As I speak (or write)...

-My first feature film is being watched by two major U.S distribution companies who are very close to picking us up.

-A co-development deal is supposedly passing 'legal' at a production company office in NYC before being sent my way so that we (myself, my business partner and said NYC-based prodco who have a major series currently airing on U.S Network television...) can start developing it together for pitching to U.S cable.

-A contract should have been signed last night (that we're awaiting news on today) that will lock 104 new bio-documentary episodes of a very exciting TV series we've developed that should start airing in prime time on Canadian network television this September.

-A spin-off talk-television series based on the above bio-doc series is already in the works.

-A new kids show pitch I wrote last week is in to a major kids broadcaster.

-A 'reality tv' series for 'dudes' will be in to a specialty cable network as soon as march break is over and the VP gets back.  His assistant already has it.

-A major U.S star and his mgmt are reading a script I co-wrote with a writer friend from Austin and the cable network said star has done much of his recent work with is reading it too.

-A re-write on a super-cool sci-fi thriller script I've developed with a writer out of L.A (that he subsequently wrote for us on assignment) should be crossing my desk any day after which it'll go out for graphic novel consideration and to my film reps in L.A to see about setting up.

-And I got an idea this week for a way to (I think) preach on a recurring basis, in my home town (starting out once a month) without planting a Church...

So you see...one year, similar circumstances and pressures, totally different realities.

This is a reminder to me, and to you, that life doesn't ever get easy.  

No matter where you're at or how far you've come or how far you have yet to go, life's never going to take the pressure off. My sense is that, even if the financial stresses weren't quite a bleak as they currently are, I'd feel just as stressed because the stakes were higher, or what I stood to lose that much greater.

I walked out of the grocery store thankful to be alive, thankful to be able to buy today's 'daily bread' and reminded of the fact that...

Without a vision, the people perish.

The difference between last year and this is that this year, I look into the distance and I can see the shape(s) of things to come hiding in the light.

T

The light at the end of the tunnel...

Can I just give a 'shout out' for a minute?

(No, not to Neal Stephenson and his latest novel 'Anathem' from which the above shot is bit, though you should check the book for real...)

To the creative process.

Yes, a shout out to the muse, The Spirit, that divine spark.

So, I spend the last two days basically farting around.  Part of that is due to extreme (borderline burnout) fatigue and general transitional-listlessness and another part is because I need to be creative.  Of course, anyone who does any kind of consistently-creative work knows that you can't really manufacture creativity.  Sure, you can cultivate work-ethic, you can invite the muse (see 'The War of Art' shout out of Jeff C. Kelly on that one...) but, at the baseline, you can't really force the muse to do anything for you.  

Then, two hours ago, I sit down and SLAM out two huge, new, life-changing, multi-hundred thousand dollar impacting treatments in twenty minutes flat.

The Spirit does what The Spirit will.

And we're just along for the ride.

So you are likely to spend several days at a time, maybe longer, feeling like your life is going nowhere and, depending on the relative (in)security of your life, you'll feel like your inaction is slowly dooming you to a rapid demise.

I'm here to remind you to 'chill out and trust the process.

I just said to my wife that I'm amazed to have been working with myself for all these years and to still find myself uncomfortable with and scared by the creative process in my life.

I think it comes down to a general unease with the lack of control that is assumed in any creative pursuit.

If you can't make it happen, you can't make it happen.

You can work, you can put yourself in the position to work, you can listen and be sensitive but you can't make it happen.

Remember that it will.

Happen.

So, don't rush into writing that script.  Until you can 'see' the thing--fully formed--in your head, wait.  Until that proposal fair 'sings' with passion and urgency in your mind, don't pitch it to your boss.  Wait.  Don't pop the question yet.  Wait.  Don't force it.  Wait.  Don't fret about it either.  Just wait.  Read the passage and wait for it to sing to you.  Wait to see what The Spirit is saying to His Church...

If there is a Creator and/or if our creative impulses are rooted in a greater creativity than is ours alone you must assume that the very nature of sometime-creativity suggests that creativity is and that means that creativity will come to you.

As you wait.

T