where to dig...

I was listening to one of my old sermons yesterday.

I'm trying to listen to one a day--usually one day it's one of mine then the next it's one by either Matt Chandler or Mark Driscoll--as I prepare for what looks like a re-deployment into that zone of my career sometime later this year.

Anyway, the sermon was from April 18, 2004.  

You can check it out here (just click on the 'April 18th' bit that's underlined and it'll download for you) if you're interested. 

It's funny listening to yourself after that long.  One reason is because the things you're saying aren't really coming from you per se.  As a preacher you're a vessel at best, doing your best work when you're staying out of the way as much as possible, doing your best to allow the Spirit of God to speak to you, through you, for the sake of God's people and His glory.  So, it often feels like you're listening to someone else altogether and the points, truths, lessons, applications that are present in your preaching speak to you--on a personal level--as much as to any other audience member.

Also, as in this case, when the sermon is from five years ago it's strange to hear the person you used to be and to measure that against who you are today and what it looks like you're headed towards in terms of your personal development.

I realize many of you probably aren't preachers, but I was thinking I might suggest you consider starting a diary, where you track through how your life is developing spiritually, maybe making an entry or two per week.  That way you'll have a similar ability to 'visit' yourself in the past and measure the 'past you' against the 'present you' with the hope of positively impacting the 'future you' in terms of a righteous ethic.

Just something to think about.

And I realize it's potentially dangerous to quote yourself, but let me just say that I don't feel like I'm really quoting myself--the thing I said was totally 'in the moment' and clearly an 'inspired' thing that the Holy Spirit was doing in me--as a preacher--at the time for the sake of His people, so any wisdom or applicability in it has nothing to do with me.

That said, I thought you might get some encouragement from what was said.

The sermon is on dealing with despair and as part of it--in a spur of the moment moment--I said:

"I always say, wasteland is the best place to dig a well."

And that really hit me for a couple reasons.

1) Many of us are experiencing a 'wasteland season' in our lives right now.  Much of it has to do with the economic downturn and the effect that's having on us.  I know people who are losing their jobs or really suffering with a drastically decreased cash flow.  Many who have become satisfied with an abundant income as a false means to peace are now facing the harsh reality that money is faithless and fickle.  I also know many who are dissatisfied with their lot in life--many who seem to be trapped in a way of life they didn't exactly set out to achieve. 

Wasteland.

If #1 is you, my thoughts for you have to do with re-discovering the power and reality of Jesus. For many, other 'functional saviors' (MD) take the place of Jesus.  Your job, your primary relationship, your income, your music, your sports watching, your favorite TV show, your kids, your community work, your art--whatever--become the thing that you turn to for comfort, purpose and peace.  Of course we all know that at some point those things will break down, betray us, and/or outright pass away.  This downturn certainly seems to be shaking people's faith in things.  If you're feeling shaken, I'd suggest you remember Jesus.  I can say He's made a big difference in my life even in the past three months.

2) I've been thinking very deeply about doing something--a specific, concrete, thing--to try and address, in some small, locally-oriented way the wasteland that's taken root in my town.  I've even been thinking in terms of names and specific strategies and much of that specific thinking (even down to the exact name) has been receiving small confirmations or affirmations each day, not the least of which was the quote from 'myself' yesterday.  

The reason I point out #2 is because that same kind of 'leading' can (and probably is) happen(ing) in your life.  A key is to be open to it and aware.  It seems that the urge to make a decision or take a leap of faith builds up a slow and gradual head of steam as you wrestle with dissatisfaction or a renewed sense of calling and that, as you respond to that 'call', at some point things come to a head and stuff starts happening.  I've found it very important to respond to God's leading when things start happening that are very out of the ordinary, or that feel strongly 'directed' in a way that you know is outside the norm in terms of how your life usually goes.

All that to say, I thought it might help you today to be reminded that in a time of desert, when things are looking down, or you're feeling low or spiritually dry, you should stay humble, acknowledge your need, ask for leading and take steps in obedience when the leading starts to happen.

My wish is for streams in the desert for you.

T

lonely nights...

This was the view out of my hotel window my last night alone in Vancouver.

I'd just wrapped episode 325 of the series that's kept my nose to the grindstone for a year and three months.  I'd walked home in the rain (you can just see it in the shot), dog tired, totally spent from six days of intensely focused writing and directing.

Was about to go to sleep and looked out the window.

Thought I'd capture it.

Those empty windows across from me?  Stared at 'em all year.  Our hotel deal meant that they'd put me in the least desirable rooms--'cause they weren't otherwise booked by 'paying guests'--so I always ended up looking the same way.  Didn't matter much to me since most of my days in the suite were spent at this here computer typing away, my mind far adrift in the fields of imagination as I worked my butt to the bone trying to pull blood from a stone.

Anyway, I was glad to put an end to those lonely nights.

Much of my last year and three months have been spent alone.

In fact, let's try and tally it up--just for fun.

52 flights.

104,000 miles travelled.

260 hours spent on a plane.

91 days away from my wife and kids (it's amazing they still remember me).

25% of my year spent alone (and 25% of my wife's year spent alone with FOUR kids under 9)

91 egg sandwiches, cups of 'pike place' coffee, and cups of strawberry yogurt.  "You're Welcome" Starbucks.

91 falafels.  Yes, I eat the same thing every day when I'm away.

325 episodes.

162.5 hours of television produced.

2,600 'monologue' segments written.

5,200 minutes of 'monologue' put out there into the World with my thoughts driving 'em.  (that's 86.6 hours of my thinking out there in the public consciousness)

325 episodes X eight airings per day X 5 days per week = 13,000 airings X 1,000 average viewers per episode = 13,000,000 impressions I've made on Canadians over the past year and three months with this one series.

Needless to say it wasn't just 'me' doing all this work, there were many people involved in making all this happen, but this is my blog and I'm reflecting on this personally hence all the 'I' talk.  But I digress...

Pretty sobering stuff.

Pretty humbling stuff.

And the crux of it all is that I haven't felt like it's 'enough'.  

And I don't mean 'enough' in terms of my satisfaction.  I mean 'enough' in terms of my spending all that time and effort on something that was less than as focused as it could have been on the 'thing' that I feel I've been put on the earth to do.

So what do you do then?  Do you think of thirteen million impressions as a waste of time?  Do you tell your wife she spent 25% of her year alone for nothing?

Certainly not.

You keep in mind how hard it was to do what you did this past year and three months.  You stay mindful of the fact that, even when you can't see the end from the beginning, even when you don't quite know why you're being led along the path you're walking, there are things going on beyond your comprehension or control.

You hold to the fact that good is coming to you and going from you as a result of spending your life in the service of your family, your sense of calling, and your community.

You trust.

And when the season comes to an end--ideally well before it actually ends--you start keeping yourself very open to and aware of what might be coming next.

Then, when it comes, you embrace what comes.

Again, you trust.

And what's funny is that, as you begin to find new vision, you 'see' that there is as much--if not more--uncertainty in this new chapter as there was in the last.

But what's cool, and important to keep in mind, is that all those miles you've travelled?  All that work you've done?  All that time you've spent alone and thinking?  All the times you've had to rise to the challenge and 'perform'?  Well, those moments are now part of your track record, part of your legacy.  No one can take those things away from you because they're in the past.  

You can now move forward knowing that everything you've said and done in the past year and three months is part and parcel of what you'll do with the next.

You know that those lonely nights weren't for nothing.

T

Bobby...

I don't often get nervous.

I did for this week's guest though.

I mean, how could you not?  Bob Barker?  THE Bob Barker?  Coming to see me?  At the Beverly Willshire Hotel?  To talk about his life and career and his passion for animals?

Man.

Bob Barker.

So I was wrapping up my interview with R&B superstar (and former husband of Halle Berry--I KNOW that's right) Eric Benet and one of our assistants pops her head into the room to let me know 'Mr. Barker is here and wants to meet you...'

Bob Barker.

Funny thing was, Eric Benet was as excited to meet Bob as I was.  That's when you know a star is a superstar--when other stars get silly at the prospect of meeting them.

So we walk into the makeup room and there he is.

The man, the myth, the legend.

Bob Barker.

And he looked old.  Real old.

And he was nice.  Real nice.

And when we got him out under the lights and got the cameras rolling he turned into BOB BARKER!

Pretty cool experience.  You can watch it this Sunday night in Vancouver on channel 10 and in Winnipeg on channel 11 at 9:00pm local.  The rest of you should be able to catch it on VisionTV all across Canada and the rest o' y'all--including my east asian readers--will be able to watch it online, next week sometime by visiting here.

Hope you enjoy him as much as I did.

T

hater-ation...

So it's like this.

I added a new 'hater' to my list today.

To be clear, this is not someone I hate, I don't think I've ever truly 'hated' anyone in my whole life. What I added today was another person who thinks poorly of me.

I have a long list.

I said to my wife on our walk this evening that at least no one will ever accuse me of inciting neutrality in anyone.

"Ha, ha!" said she.  "True enough."

The thing that got me about today's revelation was that I've met this new hater like two or three times max in my entire life.  He doesn't know me and I don't know him.  We know some of the same people but our interaction has been minimal at best.  And yet I find out that he's out there dragging my name through the mud, spreading a low opinion of my character and generally spreading hater-ation where yours truly is concerned.

Troubling.

Naturally, some might say, "Meh.  Just let it roll off.  Who cares what other people think about you?"  And I get that.  But here's the thing.  A core aspect of my belief-system has to do with cultivating a soft-hearted approach to life; staying open to criticism and correction and that's impossible to do if you cultivate a 'who cares?' approach in your interaction with others.

The downside of cultivating soft-heartedness (blessed are the meek) is that it leaves you more open to pain than you otherwise would be.

So when you find out that someone out there hates you, thinks you're a joke, a jerk, an arrogant bully, it hurts you for a bit.

It typically takes me about half an hour to get over the chest pain that accompanies discovering a new 'hater' and after the half-hour has past I spend the rest of that day--and some of the next-in contemplation of the hater's 'charge' making sure that there's no truth in it, and if there is, repenting of it and moving forward.  If there's nothing there that 'sticks' then you move on and let it roll off, one hater richer.

I guess I share this with you because there's a chance that you have haters.  I think it's simply true that the more 'less ordinary' your life is the higher the chances are that you'll accumulate a significant number of haters.

They'll hate you 'cause you're different.  They'll hate you 'cause you're focused.  They'll hate you 'cause you seem content or contained.  They'll hate you 'cause you succeed.  They'll hate you 'cause when you fail you don't give up.  They'll hate you 'cause of your passion.  They'll hate you for your singleminded demeanor.  They'll hate you for your mistakes.  They'll hate you for the things you get right.  They'll hate your belief.  They'll hate your convictions.

They'll hate you because you make them jealous or because your way of life convicts them of some 'lack' in theirs or simply because you stand out or refuse to bend to the things that have bent them.

Whatever.

My hope is that you find God's strength alive in your weakness.  My hope is that you can glory in being seen as foolish and ignore the 'judgment' of your peers and live for the judgment of your Maker.

Because ultimately you're not living for the haters but for the Lover of your soul.

T

all done...

This is the team who were with us this past Thursday night for the last day of shooting on 'THE DAILY: with mark & laura-lynn' the main talk-show I've been producing since January 2008.

At times our crew has been much bigger, but as we wound things down we kept compressing and simplifying things (for financial reasons) to the point that our last night was quite a simple and intimate affair.

We got through it, shot our last show (#325) and let the cameras roll as we uncorked a bottle of bubbly and shared some laughs, some hugs and some words of kindness.

It's been quite the journey producing this show.  I've been stretched as a producer/writer by the sheer volume of it and gratified, as a director, by the end-result.

My editor, Russell-Izzo-Greene (and his team including L-Stat, Holly and Mark L.) has been a soldier.  Without him and his team we wouldn't have been able to do what we did at the level we did it.

Also, Ms. Candace Newton our guesting coordinator and associate producer was invaluable. Without her contacts and tenacity--and that of her assistant Ms. Lynn Preston-- we'd have ended up with a talk show with no-one to talk to.

Greg Meeres, associate producer, was a real mensch, getting things done at all hours and going beyond the extra mile.

Our DP Lindsay George--and our regular crew of Andre, Lindsay, Greg, Devon, Aleesha, Romeo, Hameeda, Samir, and sundry others--were always very professional and 'on it' and painted some lovely light.

Naturally co-hosts Mark Washington and Laura-lynn Tyler-Thompson get the props here they deserve. They both came to play, every time we shot and poured themselves out in a worthy manner.

Tore Stautland, our Executive Producer, put the deal together and, together with Tamara Preston our office manager, stewarded the financial side of things which was a real tough prospect.

And so, a season of my life as a producer comes to an end.

"and whither then, I cannot say..."

Peace.

T

a good word...

I realize I run the risk with a post like this of alienating some of my readers. 

This blog is designed to serve as an outlet for expressive communication around the two particular 'zones' of my career; preaching and producing.  The ultimate goal is for my musings and reflections to be of inspiration to those of you who neither preach nor produce but who are simply living your life and finding the odd connection point between my life/journey and yours that is uplifting, useful, encouraging, though-provoking, good, hopeful or inspiring.

That's what it's about.

So, if you read this blog and are not in any way connected to the world of the pulpit nor the faith that anchors that world, you may want to skip this post.

Okay, enough disclaiming...

Here's the reason for this post today.

I got a 'word of knowledge' at Church yesterday.

Now, there may be some of you to whom the term is new, strange or unclear.  The verse typically referenced is 1 Corinthians 12:8.  Here it is from the English Standard Version:

"For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit..." 1 Cor 12:8 (ESV)

The passage is dealing with 'spiritual gifts'--gifts granted to followers of Jesus by the Holy Spirit for the benefit of God's people, sometimes individually, most often corporately.

In many of the more charismatic traditions (including the one in which I was raised) it has been common for the concept of this gift to be misused and/or misapplied.  At worst, you see young pentecostal teenaged boys walking up to the prettiest girl at camp and announcing, "God has told me you're to be my wife..."  My father's suggested reaction to this was to remind the girls to say, "Well, thanks for the compliment, I'll get back to you when God tells me the same thing."

And that's the lingering wisdom Dad left with me on this.

He always said that a genuine 'word of knowledge' should come as no surprise to you but rather should be an affirmation of something you've already been sensing from God and/or wrestling with.  If it comes totally out of the blue, He suggests you disregard it.

The reason is rooted in belief.  If you believe God exists and that--in relationship with Jesus since Jesus is God--we are connected to Him constantly and closely then you believe that God is involved with you in every aspect of your life.  If that's the case and if all spiritual gifts are ultimately given by God the Holy Spirit and sourced in God's Omniscience (all knowledge) then it would be very strange indeed for someone other than you to be more closely connected to God in terms of your life and walk than you.  

The other thing Dad always said is that any 'word of knowledge' should be examined in the light of Scripture and understood in-terms of the gospel and/or your lifelong sense of what God has called you to do and who He has called you to be.

So, all that out of the way, here's what happened to me on Sunday.

We went to Church, attendance was way down as is typical the week after Easter, and the service was in no way spectacular.  It wasn't until the very last song of the worship set that I had any deep sense of the presence of God the Holy Spirit with His people--and from watching and being aware of the outward reactions of the people in the room, there certainly was something different going on during the last song than what had being going on in the hour and a half previous.  

Anyway, service ends, my wife gets talking to a lady who'd been seated behind us.  I pick the kids up from Sunday school where they'd had a great time.  I'm waiting for Niki, who's now talking to someone else, when the lady she was talking to when I'd brushed past to go get the kids walks up to me.  We get to talking.  She looks a little embarrassed for a second then says, "Would you mind if I shared something with you a second?  God just put it on my heart so strong in the service, I really feel I have to share it with you."

Let's pause a second.

I don't know this lady okay?  I know her parents loosely, they're the same age as my grandparents so that puts this lady in her mid-to late forties or so.  She knows me by reputation.  Last time she saw me was nigh on ten years ago when I was preaching at an event she was part of on the U of T campus.  I didn't see her there or know her then in any way.

"Sure" I say, "Lay it on me."  And off she goes.

"Well, I just really felt in the service--about halfway through--that God would say to you that His desire is for you to begin preaching again."

BOOM!

Just like that.

And I'm working real hard to keep it together.  

Having finished her 'word', that one simple sentence, she then proceeded to expand on it a bit, bringing her 'interpretation' of the 'word'.  At this point--if you're the recipient--it's been my practice to hear them out but to not take too seriously their interpretation.  It has always seemed to me that if anyone should be interpreting God's 'word' to you it should be you, and if you remain confused about it, those to whom you're spiritually accountable--in my case my Dad, my wife, and one or two close friends.

(all of whom--by the way--I'd already gone to on this as I'd been wrestling with it in an intense way for at least a quarter of a year...)

When she was done, I thanked her sincerely, and affirmed her faith by telling her that I think her 'word' was a good one.  I told her that God has been dealing with me for the past three months very clearly in this same area and that my wife and I have been in prayer re: God leading us through to the way in which He wants us to walk this growing urge out.

It's very important to be honest and kind with someone when they're sharing these kinds of things with you.  When they're 'on' you should affirm them and their faith and when they're not you might say, "Well, thanks for that.  I don't quite know how applicable that is right now, but I'll pray on it and I really appreciate you taking an interest in me."  

For me, this week, the lady was 'on'. Frighteningly so.

Of particular relevance was that I spent Saturday feeling quite 'lost'.  I felt all but disconnected from the Lord.  I spent most of the day just sitting in my Muskoka chair out front of our house thinking and praying and listening.  The truth of it was that I was really pouring out my heart, asking the Lord to speak to me, to let me know I'm 'His' to give me some sense that I haven't 'left my first love' or spent so much time out of the pulpit that it's 'over' for me.

Deep, soul-searching stuff.

And I'd asked God--on my walk Saturday morning--to speak to me somehow, to show Himself to me, to give me a moment of encouragement that would remind me I'm His child and that He hears my cries of longing and desire to be of-service and faithful.

My wife had asked me how I was feeling Saturday night and I'd told her straight up, "I feel kind of lost at the moment..."  We talked it through, drank our glass of red wine, watched some NBA, then hit the sack.

I didn't think again about my Saturday morning prayers.

So when I got to Sunday and the lady approached me and said what she said it came--at first--as a bolt from the blue (which is nice) then settled down into an awareness that this 'word' fit exactly into the journey I'd been walking the past three months or so.

Which is even better.

And the end result is that I feel connected--which is a nice feeling to get once in a while--and affirmed, and my prayers, which have been in that certain direction for some time now, have been fueled with a much-needed dose of hope that I'm being heard and that provision (is here) and is coming.

It's key to note that I'm not doing anything differently post-word than I was before it.  I'm just doing what I've been doing, but deeply encouraged.

I'll be sure to keep you posted via this here blog as to how things progress.

For today though, I'm breathing a sigh of spiritual relief, reminded that I am His and He is mine.

T

a day well-spent...

I spent my whole day doing this.

Walking.

From 9:00am 'till 5:00pm I wandered the streets of downtown Vancouver from my hotel at Seymour and Pender to breakfast at the Yaletown Park Starbucks then down--via Beatty Walk--to the water and across the water on the Aquabus to Granville Island where I just sat for hours and hours watching the sailboats then got our favorite peach treat from the market and some wonderful organic fair trade coffee for the boat ride back to Yaletown.  I then walked uphill on Helmcken to Burrard and then down Burrard to the Chapters on Robson where I spent some more time with some boats--this time on paper--then walked Robson to Granville to Pender to my Hotel.

Checked my email.

Then walked Pender to Burrard and down to Canada Place then past the new 1 billion dollar convention center to the boardwalk where I sat for two hours watching the seaplanes take off and land and the boats come and go.  Then walked to my hotel, got my gear, and walked here--to the studio.

And all the while I walked and I sat and I thought and I talked to God.

I'm real thankful to have had today to do that.  See, we're finishing up the season of one of my TV series.  The series hasn't been renewed which amounts to a 'cancellation' which is like getting punched in the face.  Not fun.

I was really bummed out about it last week as I was writing segments for the last 90 episodes. My wife reminded me that I'm a 'starter' not a 'finisher'.  That doesn't mean I can't finish--'cause I have, several times in my life--but that I don't like to finish, that it doesn't give me 'life' per se. I get much more jazzed by coming up with ideas and facing down the challenge of creating something where once there was nothing.

Even when I left my Church--and it wasn't being 'cancelled'--I faced this same kind of deep sadness.

So, a day spent in the sunshine, walking and listening to God and breathing and readying myself for whatever's 'next' was a good way to spend a day.

Next time you're facing deep personal transition, take it from me, schedule a day off and go for a walk...

T