Fighting through small-ness and fear...

Tiny Sunday this week at THE WELL, in fact, our smallest Sunday crowd ever. Mind you, we've only been in existence for ten months, but still, we were almost the same size as my wife's extended family this week.

I should be depressed about it, right?

Nope.  

See, it's 'Summer Slump', every church in North America is seeing a 30% (on average) drop in weekly attendance.  At THE WELL we're down 25% in attendance but up 9% in giving.  Thing is we're seeing NEW people every couple weeks or so which means we're GROWING through the summer, even though, to look at the room, you wouldn't know it.

Combine the people we had on Sunday with the people we usually have who were away and you end up with a very respectable summer number.

Plus, I'd prepared myself for twelve.

That's right, I was bracing myself to preach to my family, my associate and his wife, and maybe a couple stragglers.  So when my eldest son came running into the sanctuary right before we started and reported (with glee in his eyes) that "THIRTY FOUR people are here Daddy!" I smiled and thanked Jesus.

34 'aint sexy but it 'aint twelve.

Sometimes faithfulness is by the skin of your teeth.

See, I'd been feeling VERY down about life in the three days leading up to Sunday.  On the one hand I was preparing for a TINY day at church and on the other I was really struggling with the ongoing 'limbo' that has settled down into my life work-wise.  We've been working since the Fall of last year to try and close the deal on the main TV series I produce in the hope that we'd get a second season and thereby have a means of income and some productive work to do in 2010.  The deal was originally supposed to close in March and, well, it's June and we're still not closed.

On the one hand this is very 'normal' for show business.  The stakes are high, the risks real, and nobody ever makes a quick decision.  But, we're going on eight months of uncertainty at this point and one thing I've learned from experience...

Uncertainty will wear you down.

My wife's psoriasis is acting up something fierce, my neck is in knots, we're not sleeping, two to three days out of seven we're very 'low' and downright grumpy, we're watching every penny and doing our best not to lose hope and forsake faith.

When?  WHEN? when? WhEn?

"What if this doesn't happen?"

Dwell on that one for too long and it'll send you right 'round the bend.

So, you see, Sunday was about more than small numbers, it was significant of all the uncertainty and fear and risk and 'un-rewarded toil' in our lives presently.  

That's why, when I got up to start preaching, and God the Ghost fell on me in a powerful way and I was gifted with the ability to preach like the 34 in the room were 3,400 and I could tell that the people were 'with it' and 'getting it' and 'feeling it' too, it was more than just a 'good moment'. It was healing.

It was hope.

It was promise.

"You're not wasting your time. You're not going bankrupt. You're going to be fine."

So stop being so stupidly faithless and calm-the-you-know-what down.

Yes, you.

Yes, me.

If you're doing what you've been made to do from a heart that's cut and a soul laid bare and your highest hope is that the King will be pleased with you, you should stop worrying and just enjoy the ride.

I'm not saying don't be scared, 'cause we're scared, that's real.  I'm not saying don't get tense, 'cause we're tense, ask my neck.

I am saying, trust the process 'cause the process has a Lord and He's not in the business of seeing the righteous beg bread.

Go tell that to your neck.

T

Triathlons are from the DEVIL...

I knew, when I got passed by the 74 year-old Woman and the One-legged Man, that it was going to be a very (VERY) long day...

EXT. GUELPH LAKE-HIGH NOON

He stands at the water's edge ready to go. All 'round him are men his age, some older. Heats '1' and '2' have already gone. The foam of them disappearing near the first bouy-marker.

The water is choppy.

Very choppy.

HORN.

He races into the water, jostling for room. 

Dives.

Front crawl. He's killing it, passing swimmer after swimmer.

FADE OUT

And if it had ended there it would have been fine.  Turns out, of the four family members who did the race with me I was the fastest swimmer. 17:45. A totally respectable time.

But then came the bike.

Oh, the bike.

See, it was our first Triathlon, we weren't sure if we were going to like it, and as a result figured it didn't make any sense to get snazzy bikes the first time out.  "Nah..." , we thought, "We'll just do it on our Mountain Bikes. I mean, how much difference can there be?"

A lot, turns out.

(we DID tune up my wife's bike, getting her skinnier road tires etc. but that sounds like an excuse...)

A whole (insert expletive here) LOT!

I was right in the respectable middle of my heat at the Bike transition.  I will admit to already feeling like I was going to die and, after the fact, I found out I might have been justified, as our friend who did the Triathlon with us (and is a veteran of five or so other ones) told us the swim was the toughest he'd ever done.

So I get on my bike, start pedaling as fast as I can and...

Start getting passed.

Literally, hundreds of times.

When the 74-year old woman blew by me like I wasn't even moving (and I was pedaling faster than her) I almost quit.  How did I know she was 74? They write your age on the back of your calf so they can make sure you leave in the right group.

I swear her calf smirked at me as it piston-ed past...

Then my chain fell off.

No joke.  Just coming down a hill, starting to climb another, chain pops off.  Jams in the gears. Takes me a good five minutes to get it fixed.  Whizz! Whizz! Whizz! The 'real' bikers keep blowing past me 'causes now I really AM at a standstill.

It was downright disheartening.

By the time I got to the FIRST 5KM marker I almost puked.  I mean, how could it have only been five kilometers?  My whole LIFE is flashing in front of my eyes, my lungs are SCREAMING, my old groin injury from my U of T football days is flaring up, the old ladies are laughing at me as they fly by.

This day is SUCKING big time.

I should have been ready for it.  Four different dudes came up to me before the race, looked at my bike and said four different versions of, "Man, you're brave. This is going to SUCK for you!"

And it did.  Oh it did.

I finished the bike, more exhausted than I've ever been in my life.  Got back to the transition area and it looked like everyone else (EVERYONE!!) had already arrived.  I had gone from maybe the hundredth person (when I started the bike) to the 1,400th person (out of 1,500). That's how (insert ANOTHER expletive here) BAD the bike was for me.

And NOW I've got to run 5K!

I, literally, almost died.

I mean, I don't have words to express how much my lungs were hurting, how dead my legs felt, how LOUD my groin was screaming.  It was just downright terrible.

Add to the fact that when I'm STARTING my run the ONE-LEGGED-MAN (seriously) is FINISHING his.

For a relatively competitive guy like me this was as close to ridiculous as I've ever allowed myself to experience.  Oh yeah, that and the fact that the Father who had TOWED his Autistic boy behind him in a trailer on the bike was AHEAD of me at the start of the run.

I did pass him eventually, but felt no joy at it.  I still had at least thirty 55+ Women in front of me, plus he was PUSHING a TRAILER with his SON in it!

1K,  there goes my sister (who came first overall in our family) on the other side, smiling, almost done. 1.5 K, there goes my wife, (who had the fastest run time in our family) passing people on the uphill portions--can't even look at her I'm so on the edge--there goes my brother in law (he had the fastest bike time). 2K, there goes my Ministry Associate's wife, smiling at me. My Ministry Associate (the one who'd done five of these?) he's been DONE for more than 45 minutes at this point.

If only I can get to the 'turnaround'...

The turnaround. 2.5K left. "Oh sweet Baby Jesus, if I die please take care of my kids..."

There's that 74 year old woman again.  Still in front of me.

"Okay, I got to do something about this..."

So over the last 1.5K I dug deeper than I EVER have in my ENTIRE life and picked up my pace. At 1K to go I started passing the old women. 750M to go and I'd passed all (30) of them. 

Now I really feel like I'm going to die.  Really.

I can hear the sound of the finish line.  I feel no joy at it.

I round the last corner.  There's a dude shouting at me, "You're doing AWESOME only 150 meters to go!"  I'm thinking, "AWESOME? I'm sucking buddy. I'm sucking so bad I'm embarrassing my ANCESTORS! I'm sucking so bad I don't care if I die. I'm SUCKING so bad I'm going to be mortified when I tell everyone about this. I'm sucking so bad, everyone I know who thinks I'm an out of control egomaniac is going to REJOICE at my frickin' failure!"

I actually let out a groan of deepest pain when he told me there was a WHOLE one-hundred-and-fifty-meters to go.  

Final stretch. Fans along both sides. They're cheering, but what they're really thinking is:

"Why is a 36-year old (seriously, look at his calf...) coming in just barely ahead of all the old Women? He must be one of those dudes running despite the fact that he has a terminal disease!  Must be, there's no other explanation. 'Way to go buddy! You're an inspiration to all of us!'..."

No I'm not, I just had the worst bike EVER which made me have to work harder than everyone else and still come in just up from DEAD LAST!

25M to go. My wife is smiling at me, steps out to give me a 'high five'. 

I wave her off. Don't even look at her.

Not 'cause I'm mad at her or anything I just, literally, truthfully, honestly with all my heart, didn't have the strength to shift my gaze or move my arm or acknowledge her love.  I would have collapsed right there.

Instead I start having a BREAKDOWN.

(I hope you're enjoying this, you sick voyeurs, you...)

Seriously, I start sobbing.  

Why?  'Cause all of a sudden, as I'm nearing that finish line so pathetically, so close to 'last-to- finish', so embarrassed, so humiliated, so spent, all of the failures in my life start washing over me. I think about high-school math, blowing my University experience 'cause I was broken-hearted over the loss of my 'first love' (little did I know it would turn out to be a good thing but at the time it hurt real bad...), quitting University football just when I was getting good 'cause my linebacker coach hated me 'cause I was a Christian, my first TV series getting cancelled, my second TV series nearly bankrupting us, my first church plant ending so badly (for us), my first movie nearly killing us and driving us to bankruptcy (again), my 2008 TV series (2 of 'em) not getting renewed even though they should've been (based on ratings), the spiritual wasteland that was 2007-2009 for me, that time I got unjustly 'blacklisted' by a bunch of jerks, how lousy a Father I sometimes feel I am, my current TV series STILL being in limbo, all the sin, all the pride, all the vanity, all the dreams that have fallen by the wayside, ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH I'VE FAILED AND IN WHICH I SUCK AND IN WHICH I'LL NEVER BE THE GUY I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE WHEN I WAS 17...

Wash over me in an instant...

And I lose my shit.

('sorry' for the the vocal expletive 'church people' but it's the simple truth...)

Yes, I finish.  Balling my eyes out I finish.  I think some people were laughing at me.  I'd like to go back and punch them in the eye.  I stagger over to the first shade I can find (yes, our day that was supposed to be 'cloudy and cool' turned into 35 and blazingly sunny) and collapse, weeping like a child.

I'm vaguely aware of some people hovering over me.  I think it's my wife and family and friends.

I wave them off.

"GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" 

And they do.  Leaving me lying on the ground utterly lost and spent and brokenhearted.

(my wife came back a couple minutes later 'cause--as a fitness trainer--she's been taught that people who are as spent as I was after an endurance race like we'd just done have a tendency to go off alone and die.  She actually said to the rest of them, "I've got to go make sure he doesn't go die in a bush somewhere...")

THAT, dear readers, was my Saturday.

For a good hour afterwards every second or third word out of my mouth was a swear-word and my lungs and diaphragm hurt so bad (from all the labored breathing) the day after that it *actually* hurt me to preach.

I learned that:

-85% of life is mental. It was only determination that kept me going.

-I didn't prepare hard enough. Next time I train harder for the run.

-You need the right tools.  Next time I'm buying a proper (insert another expletive here) BIKE!

-I'm not a person who likes to be pushed that far, therefore, I'm going to push myself there again.

-Suffering really is a spiritual experience.

So, August. Orillia. 'Round Two'.

Those 74-year old ladies and one-legged-men better watch out 'cause I'm gonna' do better this time.

I'm gonna' do better.

You watch.

Take that and do somethin' with it ya' bunch of sick voyeurs...

;)

T

Time well spent...

One of my favorite shots from last weekend.

We were at our friend's cottage, it was the end of the day Friday, and their oldest son was shutting the ski boat down. I was several hundred feet away with a telephoto nearby and I took this.

Thanks S&J for having us up.  I'll get you a nice version of this one for your wall.

Some thoughts from the weekend.

-It's a real 'gift' to have friends you've been 'friends' with for nigh on 15 years. I kept thinking about how long I'd known 'these people' while hanging with 'em over the weekend. I felt very blessed.  CS Lewis said, in a letter to one of his students, that if he had it (life) to do 'over again' he would do whatever it took to live near his friends.  We're doing our best to hold to that.

-My wife is liking the 'cottage life'. She'd always thought she'd get 'bored' just chillin' by the lake but she LOVED it. So much so, that we were snooping around some of the properties that are 'for sale' on our friend's point and scheming and dreaming.  I'm afraid to say it in this kind of public forum, and kind of excited too, but I think I'll keep my wife's newfound 'love' in my mind as I hustle this year hoping to see if I can 'do' something about her desire.

(this is also modifying my dreams of 'bigger and better' when it comes to boats etc. but I'm happy to do it for her...)

-I'm not 26 anymore.  I enjoyed chillin' and watching.  Didn't feel the 'urge' to wakeboard or tube or do anything nuts. I was still a little sore from trying it the weekend before (for 'guys weekend' at the same spot) and, besides, my kids (fast on the THEIR way to 26 it seems...) had a blast doing all the things kids should do at a cottage.

-My life 'is' progressing despite the fact that I sometimes feel stuck. To be there and to have done the things we did and to have given our kids the opportunities they were given was the stuff (at least in my post-missionary's kid mind) 'rich kids' do and I felt deeply grateful to be able to 'provide' them with that 'moment'.  And again, grateful to our generous friends.

-I'm an inveterate sailor. I kept thinking about Hobie Cats and Lasers and Megabytes and how I'd set things up and where I'd anchor them and the kind of 'crash boat' I'd get. I figure, the kids can go see our friends when it's time for sports of the motorized kind.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.

-I realized that life (DV) should progress nicely from this point. I'm realizing what's important to me, to my wife and to our kids. I'm 'figuring out' how to work towards seeing it (again DV) happen, bit by bit.

-I felt energized by being there. I felt my 'dreams' re-charged. I felt inspired to work hard. I actually set some tangible 'mental goals' for the next four years.

So, once again, proof positive that--if you get the chance--you should try to 'get away' even if it's only for 48hours.

Oh yeah, I also TOTALLY unplugged (iPhone, laptop, internet, FB, Twitter) and it was REALLY nice.  Gonna' do that again...

Soon.

T

Sleepless...

"Hi..." it's Me. 

Four in the morning. Saturday night. I've been up since two thirty.

Yes, I have to preach in the morning.

Funny though, I'm not feeling panicked like I should be feeling. Guess I've learned by this point that when you get a night like this you might as well do what you can to enjoy it.

Reason I'm up is twofold.

One, I've got a cold. The pain from it woke me up. I lay there for a while trying to get back to sleep but everything hurt enough that I couldn't. So, I caved, and took some cold medicine. Thing with that stuff (wonderful stuff that is) is that it sometimes keeps me up.

Tonight turned out to be one of the 'sometimes'.

Two, I've got things happening, and as a result, I'm thinking about those things, and as a result, my mind is racing.

= Sleeplessness.

Here's what I'm thinking about:

-Tomorrow is church at THE WELL. I've been thinking about worship (hoping it'll be as good as practice was yesterday/today). I've been thinking about my sermon, hoping it'll 'work' and hit people where they need to be hit. I've been thinking about our mission statement, realizing that the mission statement for my first church is still pretty dang good and that it might make sense to just re-adopt it. I'd made a new one when we launched THE WELL 'cause I thought it might be weird to use the old one but, hey, you know what they say about things that 'aint broke...

I'm thinking about this awesome space we saw tonight in our favorite area in Hamilton. I've been toying with launching a Sunday night service for THE WELL this fall. I've been looking for space and have been (as usual) hitting brick walls. This week I began thinking/praying for the Lord to lead me to the right space if He's 'in' the whole Fall thing. So tonight when my friend mentioned casually that he knew the dude who owned the space we were in and that he was looking to lease it out I starting hearing a 'Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!' in my head.

Plus the chandeliers are really cool.

I'm thinking about sailboats. Thinking about mine and the things I need to do to it.  I'm going to try and spend a full day working on it this week so the fam' can have our first sleepover on her sometime soon and so that Nik and I can sail her for a couple days deep into the lake in search of a secluded bay to call 'home' for a night with two of our closest friends.  I'm also (to keep it real) thinking about a bigger boat.  Found a real nice one online today (my wife's favorite one by the way). Just need a few deals to lock first.

What else is new?

I'm thinking about work, hoping that this deal FINALLY closes this week.  I'm brainstorming some new projects, feeling ready to burn the candle at both ends (like in 2008) for a bit.

I'm thinking about my friend whose divorce just became official this past week. We bumped into him randomly at the park today. He seemed real sad. I'm hoping I can get him to do some worship leading for us in the fall on Sunday nights at our new service (!)

I'm thinking about my other friend whose wife died ten days ago. He and his boy are on a 'man trip' to Florida. I'm praying for him lots, wondering what I'd be doing in his shoes.

I'm watching the rainstorm outside and our swaying trees and feeling thankful that I called "Raincheck!" on our first ever church picnic that was scheduled for tomorrow/today.

I'm thinking about this coming weekend where we're supposed to be going up to our friend's cottage with our kids and them and their kids PLUS another couple who are dear, dear, friends of ours with their kids. I'm realizing those are going to be some LATE night bonfires.  Can't wait for that.

I'm thinking about Jesus and sin and forgiveness and redemption and hope and despair and where I fit (as a preacher) in all that.

I'm thinking about how weird it is to feel like THE WELL has got some 'real' momentum under it even though we're smack dab in the middle of the summer slump. I'm thinking that's a good thing. I'm thinking about how I don't feel 'trapped' anymore (maybe for the FIRST time in my entire life). That's part of her legacy RD--for real. I'm thinking about my ordination (yes, you heard me) a week from today.

Heavy.

I'm thinking about my movie which might (at LONG last) have it's distribution deal locking down for later this year.

I'm thinking about getting old. It'll be forty for me in less time than I ever imagined possible and I was telling Nik in the car last night (tonight) that I still feel 24.

I'm thinking about this triathlon we've got coming up in 15 days and thinking my wife is a ball-breaking beast of a trainer but that her hard work is paying off 'cause I can run like the wind and not get tired these days and haven't been this skinny in 15 years.

(not that I'm 'skinny' or anything...)

I'm thinking about my kids growing up.

I'm thinking about my wife who I still love (and like) very much.

I'm thinking about our friends who've up and moved to L.A to pursue their dream. I'm missing them and admiring them and praying for them.

I'm thinking about breakfast and how friggin' tired I'm going to be trying to preach in the morning but that's got me thinking (and hoping) that the Lord's going to give me the grace I need.

Think I'll try to go back to sleep now...

(maybe)

T

Unplugging...

Great shot, right?

Funny thing about the site from which I get many of the shots I use here and in other parts of my life as a communicator is that it's incurably oversexed.

Yes, I just said 'oversexed'.

See, no matter what word you type in (if you're a registered user) you get some kind of 'naked' mixed in with the other, useful, shots.

It's so pervasive that it's laughable.  It's gotten to the point now where I kind of brace myself and smile just before hitting 'enter'.

"What kind of naked are they going to be able to get out of 'Poached Eggs'?"

No kidding.

Anyway, back to the point at hand.

Some of the my connections on twitter and facebook were making me sad. Many of them are from the last ten years of my life and said ten years have been fraught with all manner of conflict, drama, tension, stress, and unhappiness.  Sure, there's been some happiness and triumph and, certainly, some learning and maturing along the way but, truth is, many of the people whose status updates or tweets were arriving in front of me were people who had become a source of sorrow and pain.

So I took the somewhat precipitous step of 'un-following' them. It's not that I'm trying to be nasty (many won't notice anyway) just that I thought I'd experiment and see if the root of some of the sadness I've been dealing with in the past year and a half or so had anything to do with comparisons I was continuing to draw to those people and to the way of life that we'd had in common in the past.

Anyway, here we are a week and a half into my 'un-following' purge and I'm feeling better. Not only have I eliminated their communication from coming to me, I've stopped going 'to' them. I'm not checking their blogs, not reading their site, not listening to their stuff.

And I'm feeling better.

Thought I'd share that with you, suggest you try the same if you've been dealing with some of the same.

And, a 'show-biz' update is coming your way soon--we've got a storm brewing...

T