New territory...

I'm like a dude adrift at sea with no idea how to sail.

I don't quite know how to deal with grief like this.

It's coming in waves these days. Unbelief followed by shock followed by sorrow followed by unbelief followed by disappointment followed by shock followed by sorrow followed by unbelief followed by weariness and on and on it goes.

I sat next to Cam last night (that's my seat to his right in the above image, in front of the window) and had to 'feed' him 'cause he wasn't eating.

It's been YEARS since I had to feed a child.

Couple nights before that I changed his diaper (a diaper FILLED with you know what...) and I haven't done THAT in years.

And you're thinking 'Boo, hoo, poor you. Stop whining!' But, I'm telling you it's a shock to the system. I don't know how to cook dinner for 7 kids. Yes, I'm going to do my 'part' in rebuilding our family's life, yes I'm doing it as best I can with a minimum of whining but, I'm telling you, I'm feeling like this is almost too much.

I had to ask Kate what Sim liked to 'do' 'cause, though I can NEVER replace Robbie as Sim's 'Dad', for better or worse I'm currently the 'closest male relative' and it's therefore MY job to fill in the gaps that my Dad can't.

"How does he like to play, what would Robbie do with him?" I asked.

"He likes mechano..." she said.

I burst into tears.

More tears.

Cried my way through writing my sermon last week.

More tears.

I keep wondering why my wife and I feel so 'distant' from each other and why I feel so sad and why I can't seem to muster up any real 'passion' for the everyday mundane things of my working life.

I just don't 'care' right now.

Sounds like grief doesn't it?

I keep saying I need to read some books on this stuff 'cause I've never walked through anything like this.

I was listening to a Stephen Curtis Chapman song off his 'grief' album and he was asking God who He (God) is 'cause this 'curve' he's been thrown is seriously messing with what he's thought of God and expected from His hand.

I relate.

I told a friend recently that I feel almost like all bets are off now. If *this* can happen to *us* than anything can happen to anyone.

I realize I may sound immature here. I get it. I'm offering you my unfiltered thoughts in the hopes that it might help me to just process out loud and maybe encourage you along your journey.

My blog has jumped in traffic by a factor of 2 since Robbie died which means that some of the people who 'met' me through that process (online and in person) have decided to stick around and 'watch' how this plays out on my end.

"Hello, nice to see you. Hope you're well..."

I don't have any pithy truisms to half-heartedly encourage you with. I'm deep deep down the well and it's mighty dark.

Yes, there are moments where Jesus washes over me with His love and assurance but, at the same time, I feel so very far away from hope or happiness most of the time right now.

And I need a bigger van 'cause ours only seats 7 and we need something that seats 9 so me and Nik can take all the sweet babies with us when we take 'em--which needs to be LOTS--so that, eventually and with God's help, my sweet sister can start to take some time for herself to start re-building her life.

Insanity.

Dunno' if one of you readers happens to be a car dealer. Maybe you know a car dealer. Maybe you have lots of money.

I could really use a nine seater Suburban or Expedition, you know the one with the bench seat in the front 'cause 3 x 3 x3 seats is what we need these days.

Just look at the picture for proof.

Dunno what to expect, but I expect the Lord to provide.

Maybe through you.

Maybe hit me up if you've got a people mover for me...

Peace and love,

T

toddc@tmginc.com

Up (c)hits (s)reek...

Just gotta' be honest with you.

Every time I sit to down to write a sermon I break down.

I gotta' say that either this Jesus stuff is completely true, completely real and the most utterly important thing there ever was or we're all up (c)hits (s)reek.

I don't think we are, but I gotta say that the depths of pain and grief I feel these days are like weights on my soul.

And at the same time I can TASTE (actually TASTE) the goodness of our sweet Lord in ways that are utterly inexplicable to me. I feel like a crazy person.

I'm breaking down and being built up all at the same time over and all over again.

It's almost too much to take.

Kinda' like glory.

Kinda' like Ghost.

Kinda' like Possa' (ask Jess).

Kinda like hope.

Oh man, Oh man, gonna' NEED the Holy Spirit tomorrow, I can feel it and (if He comes) I know I'm gonna' probably end up screaming and doing an altar call.

I can feel it like a storm, like the barometer rising, like the tide swelling, the wind building, the rain pounding, like my sorrow swelling, His comfort welling.

Oh man.

Tomorrow.

T

Life as (somewhat) usual...

Back in the edit suite.

We're working on cutting the pilot for a new Talk TV series. We shot it last week--boy was that a 'high octane' experience--but the fun thing was, I've done this enough times by now, that I knew what to expect, knew how to deal with it, and was able to do my job and help our team do theirs.

This all comes with 'experience' which means (you guessed it) that I'm getting a little 'old'.

Oh well.

The best thing about cutting today is that the shots look GREAT, the set looks GREAT, the lighting is GREAT. I think the client is going to be very pleased. Naturally there are still many factors to be taken into account (opener, viz package, an on-location shoot later this week, music and the 'fine cut' to be done next week) but I can tell--again from experience--that we're on the right track.

On the home-front we're moved in (boy was THAT a feat) to a house that's still maybe 30% from being properly done. The thing that's very interesting about that is that my wife (God bless her) is just SO happy to be in her 'home', she doesn't even really seem to care that she's living in a construction zone. It was as if her spiritual 'temperature' changed the day we moved in; the six months of transition and uncertainty over. Sure, there are still many things we're uncertain about, but with somewhere to call 'home' I think she's well on her way to newfound happiness.

Lemme' tell you a little about moving.

Tuesday (on the Pilot) we loaded set in and got it built. Wednesday was set and light and talent rehearsal (a VERY long day) then Thursday we shot (an even LONGER day). I was so exhausted by the end of that day--I'm writer/producer/director on this one so I've got a bit to do--that I felt like falling over.

Instead I moved for two days straight.

Friday, me and three friends (thanks Jeff and Cindy and Chris) and the wife and kids did 'Part 1'. Saturday the wife and kids and I and Sam and Jen and their kids and Markie Langdon did 'Part 2'. Thanks for the love guys. It was great fun. One of the easiest moves we've ever done.

Then, later Saturday night, our dear friends Chris and Cate Jones rolled by with THEIR kids, so between all of us, we had 11 kids in the house and 7 adults and it was great fun. Best thing about it was that we had ROOM. Our old house never would've been able to host a crowd that size, which is one of the major reasons we needed to move in the first place.

Oh, then I had to write a sermon.

Everyone was gone by 9:45pm and by 10 I was at the dining room table writing. I had known all week that this is how it would go down, I'd have two hours between 10 and midnight to come up with something good. Now, granted, I knew the topic I was dealing with, I knew the segment of scripture I'd be preaching from and had been quietly meditating all week on it, so by the time it came round to sitting down to 'do' it I was able to knock something out, with God's help.

Saturday night we slept well 'till 4:00am then my typical Saturday night 'terrors' reared their ugly head (nightmares about everything falling apart at church the next morning) and...

Our furnace quit.

Awesome.

So, between fighting 'demons' and the furnace I didn't get back to sleep.

Cut to: INT. THE WELL-SUNDAY MORNING

Arrived a little late for set-up (not a surprise) and didn't really do much, I was just too tired. I wandered around a bit, moved some chairs but mostly fought off waves of exhaustion.

Service started, good crowd, sweet worship, then I got up to preach.

It was good. I was able to be clear, Jesus was exalted, and I think the people were encouraged.

Yes, that afternoon, I sat VERY still for a while.

Then started organizing.

Monday was more organizing of our 'destroyed' house, then buying paint, then painting late into the night.

Today, I picked up breakfast, built shelves, then came here, answered all my emails and updated all my sites, while my editor worked in the space with me (getting me to look up only when needed).

Tonight I'll head home, and do some more painting.

All the while missing my sweet brother in law , gone to be with Jesus one month ago today, while grieving for my dear sister and trying to keep my wife from randomly jumping off cliffs.

('renovation' isn't exactly her thing but, all things considered, she's 'bucking-up' quite well...)

More updates as they come.

Peace,

T

Back to work...

Feels like my life just stopped three weeks ago.

It certainly has changed.

What's been weird as the days turn to weeks is that life just keeps going. There are still tasks to accomplish and things to work hard at. I felt myself slipping into a 'who cares' attitude last week. Quickly realized that I can't let that happen but, even with the 'decision' made to 'man up' and move forward, I still didn't really 'feel' like I cared, I was just acting like it.

Tough.

This week we'll shoot a TV series pilot. The set design team is in today building the set. You can see them above, getting the graphics laid onto the backdrops, painting the floor, laying out the staging, checking the internal lighting on the set pieces and header, basically hustling their little butts off so that tomorrow we can light.

The Director of Photography (the dude who 'paints' with light) and his Gaffer (the dude who knows how to create and mix the 'colors' if you will) dropped by today to take a peek. They seemed pleased. Tomorrow should be fairly intense with them lighting and me working with the talent (two hosts) to get them acclimated to the space and the way in which we're going to shoot this thing.

Then, Thursday, we shoot.

It's familiar chaos around here. I will say that I'm thankful to have the experience built up at this point that this isn't freaking me out. I recognize the chaos, know how to roll with it, and--in fact--kind of welcome it 'cause it means I'm working.

Robbie would want me to keep working.

We're also trying to move into our 90% renovated house this weekend. Each day I plan to do more painting and each day I get sabotaged with other things. Hopefully tonight I can get a couple hours in.

My poor wife is fairly stressed at this point. They say 'death in the family' and 'renovation' are two of THE most stressful things that can happen to your marriage.

Yeehaw! We got both going.

Wow.

Anyway, I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other and will post some more shots as the process continues.

Peace, peace, God's peace...

T

Angels...

"Whom we lay to rest this day, with sorrow, yes, but also with joy for we know that he is, in all likelihood, even now, teaching the angels how to lay compost in the fields of the Lord..."

My closing line from Robbie's funeral.

My friend Blake was there, sketching as I spoke.

The result, above.

Lovely stuff.

Thanks Blake.

For more on Robbie visit...

www.danielroberthall.net

As for me, I'm neck deep in producing a new TV series pilot to be shot next week. I have set renders coming in, crew booking up, a budget to keep under control, a script to write, visual elements to plan and design, two great guys working with me on it and mounting pressure.

Oh, and our house renovation is 2/3's done.

Through it all I'm much more deadpan than I've ever been. I have this 'third voice' in my head asking me from time to time if I'm slipping into depression.

I don't think so.

I also don't really care that much at this point.

Which sounds EXACTLY like what a borderline depressed person would say.

I'm not depressed. Jesus is good. I'm just sad.

That's all...

T

An (un)happy day...

Very rough day today.

Supposed to be a happy one.

I think it might be some time before that's really true for us again.

Case in point, I had to pop a lingering African maggot out of my nephew's knee tonight 'cause his Daddy 'aint with us anymore.

For the full post...

www.danielroberthall.net

I can't tell you what my sister gave me for my birthday except to say it reduced me to (another) blubbering mess and further hardened my focus.

I'm going to be preaching a lot better, harder, stronger, louder and with deeper passion, focus, intensity and heart-rended-ness than every before because of it.

And because of him.

T

Head trip...

Writing my Brother in Law's funeral sermon...

While my Brother rehearses my Brother in law's funeral worship.

On our Brother in law's Birthday.

Wild.

T

Saturday...

His friend painted it in his memory this week.

You'll be able to get a copy if you want this Saturday.

For details...

www.danielroberthall.net

T

Wednesday update...

His brothers came over tonight to watch his best friend build--in his memory--at my house.

Wow.

For the full post...

www.danielroberthall.net

T

In process...

This is Me, right now.

Exegeting THIS text.

(at my Sister's request)

Listening to THIS song.

Writing my sermon for THIS Saturday.

For THIS man.

My darling brother in law.

T

Picked him up...

Picked him up today.

My sweet, sweet brother in law who died a week ago today.

The cargo guys (above) were striking, but they let us through.

Darn right they did. Me and Jess were in no mood to be trifled with.

You can read the whole post...

HERE.

As for me, I'm sad and angry and exhausted tonight. My wife keeps telling me she doesn't know me anymore. She's not mad about it, just 'feeling' it deep.

We're on our computers non-stop. Did you hear about the hits to his site? Like more than half-a-million so far from more than 60 countries.

Now THAT'S mind blowing.

My blog and my church's site are also way above average in their traffic and we're not mentioning either of those on his main site.

But, clearly, people are interested in this story and doing some online digging.

("Hello, online diggers. Truly nice to see you.")

Looks like I'll be preaching at the funeral. Dad will do one short sermon (for the Dads and Moms of his age coping with loss like this) and I'll do another (for our peers in their late twenties and thirties) for whom Robbie's death ought to be a clarion call to action.

Gonna' ask the Holy Spirit to help make that a moment worth it's weight.

My brother will do the last worship set.

Now THAT'S going to be something worth experiencing.

I wouldn't be surprised if Robbie gets to turn his ear from the Heavenly chorus for just a second to listen to what we'll have going on this coming Saturday.

Please pray for our family and especially for Kate. The hurt is running deep right now.

T