One step at a time...

My whole life feels like that right now.

Wrecked.

Well, 'wrecked' with my wife and I scurrying around trying to fix it, to make it right, to make some semblance of order in the chaos, to try and find some joy in the deep deep well of sorrow we seem to find ourselves trapped in.

Our marriage has been more strained than ever (15 years in) the past month.

We were joking about the fact that the 'top four' stresses on a marriage are 1) a death in the family 2) moving 3) renovating 4) divorce, and that we're rocking "three out of four baby..."

Then we started getting worried.

See for the first time in our 18 years together we've found ourselves almost not caring about how we treat each other, not trying as much, just 'being' and 'living' and not working on things day to day.

And we started seeing the early signs of erosion.

Pretty crazy stuff.

Mind you, we caught it within days and have lots of reasons to be worn down to the point where cracks can become crevices but, man, I gotta' say that we were surprised 'this' could happen to 'us'.

Our marriage has always been totally rock solid, an absolute 'for granted' haven of goodness as we walk through life.

Robbie's death has shaken us to our very core.

Today Niki was reading the Psalms and having a hard believing them. Every time I sit down to preach I have to find a way to have yet another 'personal revival' in order to find the strength to study, exegete, write and then preach, from a heart that means it 'cause it believes it.

We're shaken I tell you, shaken.

So, last night we put our hot tub to good use, put some red wine to good use and put each other to good use.

That helped.

In terms of our relationship to God, we're just asking Him for help and being very honest with Him about how we're feeling (He already 'knows' of course...) and doing our best to just take one step at a time.

But it's pain all around these days.

I realize this could depress you, but my assumption is that--if you stick with me--you'll see us walk through this valley and out the other side and, if I'm able to be really honest about the process, we might find ourselves (me and you both) enriched by seeing the story unfold.

Even though, it's looking mighty bleak these days.

T