First-timer...

Breaking in a bunch of new talent this week.

That's yesterday's 'rookie' you're looking at. Ms. Kim, future 'Entertainment Reporter'. She did great.

Watching her walk in, as nervous as can be, reminded me of the first time I did this, reminded me how long ago it was, reminded me what it takes to manage your fears and do your best in the face of intense self-doubt.

On the one hand I'm VERY thankful that, most of the time, I don't feel that way anymore but, on the other, I'm reminded that it's in those very difficult moments that you really grow. Even writing this I'm hearing my inner-voice remind me that every time I go shoot in H'wood I feel so nervous I feel like I'm going to be sick. I can even feel it know, anticipating my next trip.

(deep breaths Todd, deep breaths...)

I remember hearing it said that unless it scares the crap out of you it's probably not really worth doing. Even writing that I wonder how many people, normal everyday people, actually EVER find (or put) themselves in that kind of situation? Seems to me that most of us do everything we can to avoid any kind of situation that will put us into anything near that kind of distress. That said, are we missing out on great riches of experience as a result? I know that, for me, every time I sense a terrifying (and growth-inducing) situation looming it takes all my effort to stay the course and not run for the hills.

Yes, I've done this a long time but I still get nervous, still get scared.

Still get excited.

Yes, excited. Ms. Kim left our studios yesterday absolutely THRILLED by her experience and wondering when she can get back to do it again.

Like a kid.

"When can we go AGAIN Daddy? I want to go AGAIN!"

"Suffer the little children to come unto Me and do not forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of Heaven..."

Ahhh, yes.

Now I remember.

Help me not to forget.

Off to scare myself silly today.

T

How Italians say "I love you..."

Those are Niki's Grandfather's nails.

He sent them to me this week.

This means he 'loves' me.

I learned a few things from this.

1) We need to be more frugal. All those cans are USED coffee cans. Why throw it out when you can re-use it as a 'nail holder'? I need to be more frugal.

2) We need to place a higher value on 'things' we spend money on, even if they're insignificant. Like nails. Who keeps leftover nails? Niki's Italian Grandfather does, and so did mine. We need to make sure that our 'planned obsolescence' culture doesn't seep too deep into us.

3) I need to work harder at taking care of the things I have. The organization and time that went into keeping all those nails for all those years is something I find plain humbling. The challenge is to find a way to apply that kind of 'care-taking' to my *actual* life.

4) I need to *do* things that *tell* the people I love that I actually *love* them.

Thanks Nonno. I learned a lot from you (and your nails) this week.

T

Rollin'...

No I'm not getting into yoga.

Yet.

I have been shooting.

What, 38 episodes in the last three weeks?

Sumthin' like that.

I was verging on burnout the last couple weekends as a result. Last night me 'n the wife were in bed, asleep, by 9:30pm. Yup, the big pimpin' life of your friendly neighborhood pastor/TV producer.

And it 'aint stopping anytime soon.

See, our friend 'Mo' seems to have shown up. And I say 'seems' 'cause Mo's a bit twitchy, doesn't like you getting too comfortable with him, doesn't want you to take him for-granted.

Mo-mentum.

Yeah, church's got it and production company seems to be gettin' it too. Pretty strange stuff. You know those books that say it takes 10 years to 'make it' in show-biz ('making it' being defined as having had enough success and enough of track-record that you are earning your principal income from your show-biz work...) well, it's almost ten years for me now. It'll be ten full years in early 2012. It was 2002 when it hit me that if I ever wanted to 'make it' in show-biz I'd better start really focusing on it. That's when I started teaching myself screenwriting. Along the way to 'screenwriter' I became a producer. I have comforted myself with thoughts of Brian Grazer who also started out to become a writer but turned into a producer along the way.

Oh, the church? Growing at 15% summer 2010 to summer 2011. Don't get me wrong, we're still really small and humble, but we don't feel that way. The people we got are blazin', moving in their gifts, making miracles happen, growing in the ghost.

I can wait 'till fall.

Back to the 'biz. We're staffed up on one of the series that was endlessly 'pending' the first half of this year and have started shooting. Pretty cool stuff there. I give thanks to the Lord for His faithfulness. It's quite the thing this roller coaster ride, but so long as you don't jump off, I find that (nearly ten years later) all the ups and downs do end up getting you somewhere eventually.

Not necessarily where you thought you'd be.

Thanks 'Mo.

Really trying to stay focused. My 'mantra' the last couple years has been...

Simplicity. Humility. Repentance. Trust.

SHRT.

"Shhhrrrtttt!"

(like that Russ?)

Almost an expletive.

(Can you tell--from the lyrical tone of this one--that my homie Russ G. just hooked me up with Lupe and Jay-Z and Kanye's new ones? Seer can tell.)

Non-stop hip-hoppin' over here.

Me 'n 'Mo...

T

six months and counting...

Six months later and I can still hardly bear to post that picture.

Six months later and I still think about him every day, multiple times a day.

Six months later and I'm still totally devastated by his loss.

Six months later.

I read a couple months back that the whole 'stages of grief' thing is a crock. Apparently, new research shows, that you typically move to some kind of acceptance within six months to a year. If you haven't hit that level after that time then you need to seek professional help.

I began to feel some sort of 'acceptance' about a month or so ago.

This hasn't meant that I've stopped feeling deeply grieved, only that the abject *horror* of it, and the disbelief, have transitioned to a kind of deep bruising of soul.

I still miss him.

I find that one week out of every three or four I go about my days feeling really sad and unable to put my finger on 'why'. Then it occurs to me.

"Ahh, I miss Robbie..."

I've found that his death has made me acutely aware of my death that is coming someday. I've found myself behaving differently in small practical ways each day. Mostly (and Robbie would both smile at this and be glad for it) I can see it in my interactions with my kids where I'm being more patient with them because if I was, in fact, to die tomorrow I'd want to live my *today* with them differently.

I've also been preaching with much more passion and vehemence than is normal for me and, if you've ever heard me preach, you'll agree with me that that can be somewhat worrisome. To make sure I don't go completely off the rails I'm reminding myself as I write and before I get up to speak to try to be kind, inspiring, relevant, practical, passionate, and focused on Jesus. Those qualifiers help.

But I'm still sad, and still broken.

I've said it to friends when talking about it. My family (meaning my parents, siblings and I together with our spouses and kids) has been permanently *ruined* by this to some degree. I think (to quote the great 'Lilo and Stitch') "We're a broken family..." now.

There's no putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Even as I re-read this before posting I realize this might be very depressing and seem 'non-christian' to some. I'm just telling you the truth as I'm experiencing it right now without trying to varnish a thing.

To be clear, we are still loving Jesus and each other. We haven't despaired of life, living, or eternity.

And yet, we're broken. Deeply so.

I never expected this kind of thing to happen to us. I realize that can sound weird, even elitist. I don't mean it that way at all. Just trying to share how shocking this has been to us. It still feels wrong.

It's like we're living in an alternate universe.

Six months later...

T

BTS...

Okay, so I thought I'd upload some shots from my most recent production, just for fun.

That's the original set comp I sketched on my dining room table. My hope was that the three strips of fabric would come up out of the infinity white background giving the dancers a space to dance under. We'd move the fabrics so they looked alive.

Anyway, here's how it turned out...

Pretty cool right?

This is between takes. I'm working with the principal talent to make sure we keep on track and know what we're doing and how we're going about doing it. She was a brilliant performer and showed great stamina and class.

Loved this shot. We lit the principals with two giant silks, a 20 X 12 and a 12 X 12. You can see the first of five 5K's we used on the back (20 X 12) silk just to the right of the RED cam (which is having its 'gate' checked in this shot).

All in all, a great experience.

T

Done...

There I am with two of three dancers having just finished shooting 26 episodes in 3 days.

Amazing they were still smiling.

Man, did they deliver.

Everybody delivered. Cast, crew, executives, everyone chipped in and gave their fullest effort. T'was a real pleasure to be part of mounting that kind of production.

Biggest thrill, for me, was seeing the set design executed. From a drawing on a piece of paper I did in my dining room to the finished 'look' on-screen, to get *exactly* what you were picturing is a rare privilege.

Shout outs to Bill and Mary and their team at MZTV for that.

Nice work kids.

Now to find a way to recharge the creative juices. I'm feeling a little bit like that production...

Done.

T