six months and counting...

Six months later and I can still hardly bear to post that picture.

Six months later and I still think about him every day, multiple times a day.

Six months later and I'm still totally devastated by his loss.

Six months later.

I read a couple months back that the whole 'stages of grief' thing is a crock. Apparently, new research shows, that you typically move to some kind of acceptance within six months to a year. If you haven't hit that level after that time then you need to seek professional help.

I began to feel some sort of 'acceptance' about a month or so ago.

This hasn't meant that I've stopped feeling deeply grieved, only that the abject *horror* of it, and the disbelief, have transitioned to a kind of deep bruising of soul.

I still miss him.

I find that one week out of every three or four I go about my days feeling really sad and unable to put my finger on 'why'. Then it occurs to me.

"Ahh, I miss Robbie..."

I've found that his death has made me acutely aware of my death that is coming someday. I've found myself behaving differently in small practical ways each day. Mostly (and Robbie would both smile at this and be glad for it) I can see it in my interactions with my kids where I'm being more patient with them because if I was, in fact, to die tomorrow I'd want to live my *today* with them differently.

I've also been preaching with much more passion and vehemence than is normal for me and, if you've ever heard me preach, you'll agree with me that that can be somewhat worrisome. To make sure I don't go completely off the rails I'm reminding myself as I write and before I get up to speak to try to be kind, inspiring, relevant, practical, passionate, and focused on Jesus. Those qualifiers help.

But I'm still sad, and still broken.

I've said it to friends when talking about it. My family (meaning my parents, siblings and I together with our spouses and kids) has been permanently *ruined* by this to some degree. I think (to quote the great 'Lilo and Stitch') "We're a broken family..." now.

There's no putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Even as I re-read this before posting I realize this might be very depressing and seem 'non-christian' to some. I'm just telling you the truth as I'm experiencing it right now without trying to varnish a thing.

To be clear, we are still loving Jesus and each other. We haven't despaired of life, living, or eternity.

And yet, we're broken. Deeply so.

I never expected this kind of thing to happen to us. I realize that can sound weird, even elitist. I don't mean it that way at all. Just trying to share how shocking this has been to us. It still feels wrong.

It's like we're living in an alternate universe.

Six months later...

T