sleepless...

My wife hates this picture.

She doesn't usually read my blog--I think she's kind of embarrassed by it, private person that she is--but if today's an exception, I'm sorry babe I think it's kinda' cool.

'Course you might be thinking I look like a stupid version of Avril Lavigne but I'm betting you're wondering about the mouthpiece sticking out of the right (left) side of my mouth.

"Why is he chewing on a mouthpiece?"

Well, building is tough.  I've had to exert myself so much that my forearms literally 'kill' just sitting here typing this.  Stay with me.  I know you're not getting it yet.  See, I have had some 'work' done on my teeth.  I call them my 'Harley' 'cause they cost quite a bit.  I got veneers done on my front six teeth because, over the years, I had ground them down while sleeping.

"No problem, so you have smaller teeth..." you say, which would be true except that I'm a TV guy and that means I often am on TV and the problem with being on TV with small teeth and an upper lip that overhangs is that--when the lighting hits you--your lip casts a shadow over your small teeth making you look toothless which isn't exactly the best way to make a great impression on your viewing audience.

It was my dentist who started it all.  He'd seen me on TV and exclaimed, "You HAVE to let me do something about your teeth!"

I hadn't really ever thought about it THAT much 'till then (I mean I knew I used to have good teeth and that--somewhere around 23 or so that had started changing and I didn't feel exactly 'great' about it) but, since then, I've certainly been aware of it. Remember how 'Extreme Makeover Home Edition' was a spin-off of the original 'Extreme Makeover' where these people (mostly women) would get their lives (supposedly) turned around by having all kinds of 'work' done?  They'd always talk about how their 'self-esteem' had improved etc. etc.

I always thought they were overdoing it.

Then I had my 'work' done.

And it made a difference.

Anyway, right after I got them done (last summer) I was at my brother's family's cottage doing some super-intense windsurfing and I was straining so much I popped one of the veneers right off.  Fortunately I was able to save it and my dentist re-attached it for free.  Since then I've popped three others off, one of them twice.  That's FIVE re-attachments in less than a year.

Needless to say I'm wishing my 'Harley' had come with a warranty.

So that's why I've been renovating with a mouthpiece in.

In fact, I have it in right now.

Why?  Well it's 4:03am right now and I've been up since 2:45am.  Why?  Well, I had a really bad dream that I haven't been able to shake and, with me, if I get truly woken up in the middle of the night my imagination and thought-life often get the better of me 'causing me to be up for a couple hours.  I'm going to suffer tomorrow.

(some might say I'm suffering now)

The reason I have my mouthguard in is because I sleep with it in--back to the grinding thing--and when I wake up I typically keep it in as I've gotten quite used to having it around.

Here's the point.

You can't fix yourself.

If I had my normal, 'small', less-than-perfectly-attractive teeth I'd never have to have this crazy mouthguard on me.  I wouldn't worry about it when I travel and wouldn't ever pop my veneers off because I'd forgotten it.  

If I had my normal, God-given, teeth I would look less-good on television.

Which, in the long-term, is the greater 'cross to bear'?

Point is, there's never going to be a perfect situation.  Having been up in the middle of the night for going on an hour and a half now I've been doing some thinking.  Typical for middle of the night musing most of my thinking has been sad type thinking.  I've been remembering moments with friends (and former friends) where I handled things poorly.  I've been wishing I could go back.  I've been remembering times where I was treated badly by people in my life.  I'm wishing I could erase the hurt.  I'm recalling disappointment and disillusionment and despair.  I'm feeling like life is hard.

That's why so many movies are set at night.

That's why so many sermons speak of the dark being banished by the light.

I find that in moments like these I just have to surrender to this process of living, and grieving and hoping 'cause there's no such thing as a perfect life and there's no way I know to make pain or sorrow stop.

I do know (like the black preacher) that the morning's going to come and that--despite my fatigue--I'll feel better in the light.  I do know that night (here in the shadowlands) won't last forever and that one day I'll awaken in His likeness.

I'm mindful just now of the fact that I need to communicate all this very honestly and clearly when I speak and when I write and when I produce.

Yes, life is dark.  Yes pain is real.  And yet, hope exists.  

T