Thickening your skin...

It's happening to me again...

Drama.

Sometimes no matter how hard you work, no matter what you do, or the sacrifices you make behind the scenes, there are going to be people in your life and work who choose to blame you for things that have happened that they perceive as 'bad' and a result of negligence or malicious intent on your part.

Of course, most of the time, nothing could be further from the truth.

But they don't know what you know, and they wouldn't see it the way you do, no matter what.

And that's the issue.

I don't know if I mentioned this to you here already but--even if I did--it begs mentioning again. I was interviewing a noted spiritual leader and best-selling author (he's an 'Oprah guy') a couple months back and he said something in the interview that's stuck with me to this day.

He reminded me that everyone sees and experiences life ONLY from their own perspective. He suggested therefore that you and I ought not to ever take anything anyone else does personally. Regardless of what appears to be being said about you or done to you, it's likely--he said--that what's going on with them is much more connected to who they are, what they've suffered and lived, and how they see things from their point of view, than it is--in reality--connected directly to you or your actions.

Pretty cool reminder.

Now, I filter what he said through my particular worldview (!) which reminds me that even if he's right, that's not an excuse for me to act wrongly towards someone or to be reckless in my behavior, attitude or work-ethic.  But, that said, his comments have certainly helped me to toughen up my skin.

Even though they're directing their venom at me, I'm free to let it roll off.  I'm free to say,  think and feel that their actions are their responsibility, and that I am not to be held accountable for their decisions, actions, attitudes, perspective or venom.

It's really helping me.

'Cause for many years I was very susceptible to these kind of 'personal attacks'.  In fact, I've often wondered if my sensitivity is something people pick up on and use 'against' me to try and force or manipulate me into yielding in a conflict thereby getting me to give them what they want.

I wonder...

(the funny thing is, I think there are many people I've interacted with professionally over the years who would think me the opposite of 'emotional' or 'vulnerable'...)

So I'm trying, all these years later, to be both 'righteous' (trying to do the right thing in any given situation and relying on grace and forgiveness when I fail...) and tough-skinned.

I've said it before, and I've been reminded of it again today--if you want to be a leader, if you want (and feel called) to live a life that's somewhat outside the margins or 'less ordinary' you're going to cause conflict and you're going to have people deciding not to like you.

This is true on a set--you can't be 'friends' with your gaffer, you have to get him to do what he needs to do--rain or shine--and he's not going to like you for it.

This is true in a Church plant--you can't be 'friends' with your congregants, you have to preach the truth to them and call them to do what they need to do--rain or shine--and they're not going to like your for it.

This is true in your home--you can't be 'friends' with your kids, you have to be their parent first and raise them and tell them to do what they need to do--happy or sad or mad--and they're not going to 'like' you for it until they're 28.

'Aint no other way around it.

So get your helmet on and keep goin' friend, keep goin'.

T

imagination everywhere...

 

D'you recognize it?

C'mon, try a little harder...

No?

Here's a hint.  Egyptology.

Okay, Egyptology homeschool-style.

Ahhhhh!  You got it don't you?

The Great Pyramid and The Sphinx.

I'm in the basement, working away, and the kids just popped down to tell me what they've been working on with their 'ancient history' and 'geography' studies this afternoon.

Take a little lego, mix it with their fertile minds, that's what you get.

Cool.

I'm inspired by my kids.  Inspired to remember childhood.  Inspired to remember what it's like to draw or build the World in the image of your dreams.  Inspired to dream.  Inspired to build.

Inspired to keep trying.

'Cause imagination is effortless for them.

That's why they say the Kingdom is for little kids.

They can see it.

T

breakfast 'omens'...

I needed that smiley face today.

Having been working without a contract since November 2008 I've/we've been in a really tough phase.  Being a producer isn't like working for a producer.  When you work for someone you typically get paid for the work you do.  Pretty simple.  When you're the person--or in my case one part of a team of two--generating the funds it's a whole different deal.

I remember my business partner telling me--back nearly ten years ago when we first started working together--that I needed to develop an appreciation for how hard it is to 'make' money. His point was that an 'employee' sees things in a simple light--I work, you pay me.  The money kind of 'magically' appears.  But for the employer you have to find someone or some entity who's willing to 'give' that money to you first and that process is extremely difficult.

Ten years later I appreciate his words in a very deep way.

So, this morning, I go to pick up coffee, natural peanut butter, english muffins and milk for our breakfast.  I go to the bank machine expecting to find a certain amount there--and no princely sum at that--and instead I find myself all but cleaned out.

Blood pressure rises, heart palpitates "Oh man, here we go again.  Back to this..."

It's a terrible feeling.

So I buy half the coffee, choose the cheaper english muffins (the ones I like are twice the price) and hold my breath at the register hoping the total will be under $15 which is what I happened to have in my wallet.

$11.47.

I drive home, feeling right depressed now.  See, if I was an 'employee' I'd be fine.  I've been busting my ass since November putting in long days and--more importantly--developing good, strong, creative ideas for TV series, movies and online initiatives.  The work I've done in the past five months would normally be worth a six figure salary--easy.

But, that 'salary' won't exist 'till my business partner and I turn said ideas and pitches into signed contracts and said contracts turn into cash flow scenarios vetted by legal and accounting and put into monthly rotation.

Then we'll start paying people--including ourselves.

Will we ever make the five months back?  Well, in theory, yes.  The difference between me and an employee is that if we ever re-sell one of our hypothetical series--past the first window--then any revenues from that go not to our entire staff or team but to the partners in the corporation, one of which is me.

Sounds good.

Problem is--some days--I feel quite low 'cause I've been doing this kind of thing for ten years or so now and never yet have we had one of those 'windfall' moments where we get a huge cheque as back-payment.

My business partner would be quick to remind me that--looking back--we've done better every year than the year before, and he's right, we have, but faced with rationing your english muffins you tend to not be necessarily disposed to taking the 'long view'.

Back to breakfast...

So, we cook.  I'm pretty silent through it all, feeling down about things and wracking my brain for ways to diversify, to multiply my revenue streams.  I can tell my wife is troubled by my silence so I'm trying to be 'happily silent'.

It's not working though.

We sit down to breakfast.  I'm working hard to not snap at my kids.  It's not that they're being bad per se it's just that all the normally crazy and loud and mess-inducing things they do are grating on me more than usual 'cause I'm stressed and down and they're the closest target so my tendency is to snap at them just 'cause.

I've got the eggs, the english muffins and the coffee all ready to go.  I'm waiting for Niki to sit down before I start eating.  She shows up at my shoulder.  Drops two pieces of melon on my plate.  Not carefully, or deliberately, just drops them on my plate.  I thank her.  She gives me a kiss on the cheek.

We notice the plate.

It's smiling at us.

(Jesus is smiling at us)

It's going to be alright.

We start smiling.

And we pray, with the kids...

"Thank you Lord for giving us, this day, our daily bread..."

Cheap-ass english muffins and the last four eggs in our fridge and coffee mixed weak so it'll last a little longer...

All of it smiling at us.

T

the almighty...

It always comes down to casheesh...

No matter how good your working relationship with someone is, as soon as the money exchanged between you comes into question, it's going to switch from 'show-friends' to 'show-business' real quick.

This is tough for me.

For the most part, I have tended to enjoy the people I work with.  I've always tried to keep the working environments I have influence over as cordial and civilized as possible.  Lord knows, a Church Plant or a TV or film set are hectic enough places to begin with.  Add unnecessary acrimony or conflict into it and you're not having much fun at all.

Something that occurred to me last week was that many of the people I work with don't believe what I believe about life, God, and the universe and there's a good chance that--unlike me--they didn't grow up in Sunday School which means they never memorized the 'fruit of the Spirit' which means they don't consider 'self-control' to be a character trait that's expected in any mature person.

Intense, right?

So, I found that so freeing because--here I've been--going around getting hurt by all these people in my life who treat me unkindly or exhibit a lack of self-control in their interactions with me or who are totally self-oriented in their ethic and I'm thinking it ought to be another way.

Not for them.

See, they don't believe what I believe.  They don't live a life that's trying to be in-submission to an authority higher than their own.  And I'm not trying to say they are lousier people than I or that I've got some kind of 'leg up' on them, I'm just realizing that they march to the beat of a totally different drummer than I do and that--therefore--my expectation of their conduct is out of whack.

So...

I'm going to stop feeling hurt.  When they lash out at me I'm going to let it roll off.  I'm not going to lash back, but I'm also not going to go to extreme lengths to mollify them either.  Their reaction is their reaction.  I'm not going to judge it, I'm just going to dodge it.

Shoot somebody else friend--I'm done being your target...

I don't need to 'receive' their anger or their angst or their acrimony.  

I also don't need to expect them to behave in a way that I think is acceptable.

The net result of all this is relational distance.  I'm going to put more distance between myself and the people with whom I work and I'm going to adjust my expectations.  I'm going to lower them.  I'm going to relax with the 'friendliness' and try to treat business as business.

It'd be one thing if they and I shared an operating system but, seeing as we don't, I'm going to keep a safe distance 'cause--damn--I'm tired of taking pot shots.

This is real true also in Church Planting.  Everybody in your congregation wants to be your friend and thinks you're their friend and might treat you like a friend, until you have to speak something difficult into their life and/or call them to something like repentance.

Try your 'friendship' on for size then.

If you become friends with your congregation you'll probably lose your ability to pastor them.

If you become friends with your employees you'll probably lose your ability to demand performance of them.

I sense that some would say, "Yeah, well, they'll work harder for you and will enjoy the process more if they feel like you care..."

I'm not saying don't 'care'.  I'm not saying treat anyone with disrespect.  I'm not suggesting you treat anyone as disposable. 

I'm just saying, if you think you're friends, think again.

T

happiness is...

Listening to this right now.

Love it.

"Ta Daaah!"

Said the baby.

At four am.

That's right, every night the same.  THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.  Little footsteps. SCRITCH, SCRITCH, SCRATCH.  As something climbs into bed with us.

"Ta Daaah!" Said Zoe--our baby--arms raised to the darkened ceiling, as if to say--okay, the party can start, I'm heeeerrrreee!

Four am.

And we smiled at each other the wife and I.  Then I stroked Z's belly as Mommy got the bottle. Then Daddy shuffled off to the bottom bunk in the girls room so Z could sleep on my pillow next to Mommy.  Just like every night.

Lovely.

Seriously.

It's a beautiful thing the simple life.

And something that so many of us miss in our pursuit of pleasure and prosperity at any cost.  

I was listening to a friend online this past week and he reminded me of something Nik and I believe.  He said that many 'two-income' families are no better off--in terms of net-income after daycare, additional car, insurance, gas expenses, taxes etc.--than their single-income counterparts while the single-income families FAR outpace the doubles in terms of net-happiness.

Plus, we're not getting divorced.

Three couples we were friends with growing up are really struggling maritally right now.  I won't go into detail for their sake but suffice it to say Niki and I are deeply troubled and sad for them and spending much time in contemplation and prayer while feeling very thankful for the fact that we still feel 20 and 22 respectively.

I told her the other day that I like her much more today than when first we met.

She's my girl.

And what's really scary is that our life isn't an accident--it's a collection of experiences built one atop the other with the intention of becoming something good, and righteous and happy.

We make mistakes--many of them--surely.  But, at root, we've tried to live on-purpose and it seems--in light of our four AM happy wakeup--that we're doing alright.

No divorce pending here.

And I'm reminded, with that, to bring self-same intentionality to bear on my work.  'Cause your career (and working legacy) is a collection of experiences built one atop the other with the intention of becoming something good, and righteous and happiness-causing.

No?

T

Pizza and movie night...

So the problem with blogging on our pizza and movie night Friday's is that--seeing as we're only watching family films--for the next ten years, sometimes, the films are gonna' suck.

I mean, not all of them.  When we watch 'THE INCREDIBLES' or 'FINDING NEMO' or 'THE NEVER ENDING STORY' or 'THE GOONIES' it's gonna' be great but more often than not we're going to be subjected to films like the above.

Sigh...

I SO didn't like it.

I was ready to like it, sometimes Disney surprises with their live action kids fare, but not this time.

'BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA' was lousy.

My two boys tuned out about twenty minutes in.  The pace disappeared, the stakes were forced, the characters totally lacking in depth (I realize they were dogs, but dogs with CGI mouths spouting dialogue...) it was a mess.

My boys and I wrestled instead.

If you have girls, they might like it but not something I'd have your whole family watch.

Pizza was good though.

T

make that change...

Call me an 'artist'.

Sometimes you just gotta' treat your life--or your hair--like a canvas.

Sometimes you feel like a change is coming and you feel like that feeling needs to find expression in you personally.

So you cut your hair.

Or--if you're me--you shave it.

Let it be said that the wife doesn't love this hairstyle on me.  She's patient with me though.  She understands that sometimes I go a little crazy and that--when that happens--I tend to take radical steps.

Last time I looked like this was on the eve of directing my first feature-film.

Today, and for the past couple months, I feel like the re-shaved head is significant of a re-purposing of my life in terms of refining my focus so that it--perhaps--reverts back to a more split focus than has been my habit for the that past couple years.

To be specific.

It's my hope to start preaching (some) again.

I'm going to try and get a new site up to 'promote' (if you will) my 'services' (if you will) as a communicator from the stage.  I can do three things from the stage.  1) I can talk about making it in film and television and the specifics involved as a writer/producer/director and 2) I can talk about making it as a Church Planter--from concept through retirement and 3) I can preach.

It'll be interesting to see what might happen in this next season.

I'll keep you posted in the hope that elements of my journey might be encouraging to yours.

('cause, who knows, some *things* in your life might need some trimming...)

I'll keep producing all the things I'm producing.

Just bald.

(and preaching about it)

T