Thickening your skin...

It's happening to me again...

Drama.

Sometimes no matter how hard you work, no matter what you do, or the sacrifices you make behind the scenes, there are going to be people in your life and work who choose to blame you for things that have happened that they perceive as 'bad' and a result of negligence or malicious intent on your part.

Of course, most of the time, nothing could be further from the truth.

But they don't know what you know, and they wouldn't see it the way you do, no matter what.

And that's the issue.

I don't know if I mentioned this to you here already but--even if I did--it begs mentioning again. I was interviewing a noted spiritual leader and best-selling author (he's an 'Oprah guy') a couple months back and he said something in the interview that's stuck with me to this day.

He reminded me that everyone sees and experiences life ONLY from their own perspective. He suggested therefore that you and I ought not to ever take anything anyone else does personally. Regardless of what appears to be being said about you or done to you, it's likely--he said--that what's going on with them is much more connected to who they are, what they've suffered and lived, and how they see things from their point of view, than it is--in reality--connected directly to you or your actions.

Pretty cool reminder.

Now, I filter what he said through my particular worldview (!) which reminds me that even if he's right, that's not an excuse for me to act wrongly towards someone or to be reckless in my behavior, attitude or work-ethic.  But, that said, his comments have certainly helped me to toughen up my skin.

Even though they're directing their venom at me, I'm free to let it roll off.  I'm free to say,  think and feel that their actions are their responsibility, and that I am not to be held accountable for their decisions, actions, attitudes, perspective or venom.

It's really helping me.

'Cause for many years I was very susceptible to these kind of 'personal attacks'.  In fact, I've often wondered if my sensitivity is something people pick up on and use 'against' me to try and force or manipulate me into yielding in a conflict thereby getting me to give them what they want.

I wonder...

(the funny thing is, I think there are many people I've interacted with professionally over the years who would think me the opposite of 'emotional' or 'vulnerable'...)

So I'm trying, all these years later, to be both 'righteous' (trying to do the right thing in any given situation and relying on grace and forgiveness when I fail...) and tough-skinned.

I've said it before, and I've been reminded of it again today--if you want to be a leader, if you want (and feel called) to live a life that's somewhat outside the margins or 'less ordinary' you're going to cause conflict and you're going to have people deciding not to like you.

This is true on a set--you can't be 'friends' with your gaffer, you have to get him to do what he needs to do--rain or shine--and he's not going to like you for it.

This is true in a Church plant--you can't be 'friends' with your congregants, you have to preach the truth to them and call them to do what they need to do--rain or shine--and they're not going to like your for it.

This is true in your home--you can't be 'friends' with your kids, you have to be their parent first and raise them and tell them to do what they need to do--happy or sad or mad--and they're not going to 'like' you for it until they're 28.

'Aint no other way around it.

So get your helmet on and keep goin' friend, keep goin'.

T