breakfast 'omens'...

I needed that smiley face today.

Having been working without a contract since November 2008 I've/we've been in a really tough phase.  Being a producer isn't like working for a producer.  When you work for someone you typically get paid for the work you do.  Pretty simple.  When you're the person--or in my case one part of a team of two--generating the funds it's a whole different deal.

I remember my business partner telling me--back nearly ten years ago when we first started working together--that I needed to develop an appreciation for how hard it is to 'make' money. His point was that an 'employee' sees things in a simple light--I work, you pay me.  The money kind of 'magically' appears.  But for the employer you have to find someone or some entity who's willing to 'give' that money to you first and that process is extremely difficult.

Ten years later I appreciate his words in a very deep way.

So, this morning, I go to pick up coffee, natural peanut butter, english muffins and milk for our breakfast.  I go to the bank machine expecting to find a certain amount there--and no princely sum at that--and instead I find myself all but cleaned out.

Blood pressure rises, heart palpitates "Oh man, here we go again.  Back to this..."

It's a terrible feeling.

So I buy half the coffee, choose the cheaper english muffins (the ones I like are twice the price) and hold my breath at the register hoping the total will be under $15 which is what I happened to have in my wallet.

$11.47.

I drive home, feeling right depressed now.  See, if I was an 'employee' I'd be fine.  I've been busting my ass since November putting in long days and--more importantly--developing good, strong, creative ideas for TV series, movies and online initiatives.  The work I've done in the past five months would normally be worth a six figure salary--easy.

But, that 'salary' won't exist 'till my business partner and I turn said ideas and pitches into signed contracts and said contracts turn into cash flow scenarios vetted by legal and accounting and put into monthly rotation.

Then we'll start paying people--including ourselves.

Will we ever make the five months back?  Well, in theory, yes.  The difference between me and an employee is that if we ever re-sell one of our hypothetical series--past the first window--then any revenues from that go not to our entire staff or team but to the partners in the corporation, one of which is me.

Sounds good.

Problem is--some days--I feel quite low 'cause I've been doing this kind of thing for ten years or so now and never yet have we had one of those 'windfall' moments where we get a huge cheque as back-payment.

My business partner would be quick to remind me that--looking back--we've done better every year than the year before, and he's right, we have, but faced with rationing your english muffins you tend to not be necessarily disposed to taking the 'long view'.

Back to breakfast...

So, we cook.  I'm pretty silent through it all, feeling down about things and wracking my brain for ways to diversify, to multiply my revenue streams.  I can tell my wife is troubled by my silence so I'm trying to be 'happily silent'.

It's not working though.

We sit down to breakfast.  I'm working hard to not snap at my kids.  It's not that they're being bad per se it's just that all the normally crazy and loud and mess-inducing things they do are grating on me more than usual 'cause I'm stressed and down and they're the closest target so my tendency is to snap at them just 'cause.

I've got the eggs, the english muffins and the coffee all ready to go.  I'm waiting for Niki to sit down before I start eating.  She shows up at my shoulder.  Drops two pieces of melon on my plate.  Not carefully, or deliberately, just drops them on my plate.  I thank her.  She gives me a kiss on the cheek.

We notice the plate.

It's smiling at us.

(Jesus is smiling at us)

It's going to be alright.

We start smiling.

And we pray, with the kids...

"Thank you Lord for giving us, this day, our daily bread..."

Cheap-ass english muffins and the last four eggs in our fridge and coffee mixed weak so it'll last a little longer...

All of it smiling at us.

T