Perspective...

Been losing perspective lately.

Main Entry: 1. per-spec-tive

Pronunciation: per-spek-tiv

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English perspectyf, from Medieval Latin perspectivum, from neuter of perspectivus of sight, optical, from Latin perspectus, past participle of perspicere to look through, see clearly, from per- through + specere to look

Date: 14th century

archaic: an optical glass (as a telescope)

It's been (from where I sit) three tough or somewhat 'blah' weeks at THE WELL. Mostly this is due to attendance shrinking as part of the early onset of spring in our area.  No matter the size of church, once the warm weather hits you typically lose 20% of your attendance week to week until everyone gets back into their routine come fall.

In a church plant averaging between 70-80 people each week a 20% drop is VERY noticeable and disheartening.

So, I've been trying to fight through that.  In addition, our worship experiences have been a little rough of late due--in large part--to the fact that the facility we rent hasn't been able to rent us rehearsal space as often as we need it. The last two weeks (not this past week but the two before) we had our rehearsal cancelled last minute which meant running through the songs Sunday morning which meant rougher worship than you'd like.

(we'll need our own dedicated space sooner rather than later I think)

I sat there those two weeks, while the worship was struggling, feeling just horrified.  Now, to be clear, partly I felt horrified because I hate crafting an experience that makes people feel awkward. Coming to a church plant is a tough thing to do in the first place; you can't just walk in and be anonymous. It's a certain kind of person that comes out in the early days of a church's life.

But, as you start to grow (as we are) you begin adding people who are a little less entrepreneurially-wired and they want to have a somewhat 'normal' church experience. They want the vibe not to suck and the music not to suck and the kids time not to suck and the preaching not to suck and they don't want too many people to bug them. They just want to check things out.

So, if you suck, it sucks for them.

The other part of hating it when an aspect of what we do at THE WELL 'sucks' is that it hurts my pride; it embarrasses me.

And nobody likes to be embarrassed.

Naturally, I know that pride is something to be repented of.  I realize that worrying (even subconsciously) about what people think of me is borderline idolatrous and something to be repented of.

I get it.

But I still felt horrified at points in the past month at THE WELL.

Which makes it tough to do sometimes, especially when it's all volunteer. You get to thinking, "Why am I doing this again?"

Typical 'church planter grind'.

So today I woke up feeling really low. I cooked breakfast quietly, had to force myself to eat it (no appetite) quietly, cleaned up quietly, sat drinking my second cup of coffee with my wife quietly.  So quiet was I that she kept asking, "Are you okay? What are you thinking about?"

My life.

(Am I doing what I 'should' be doing? Why does it feel so mundane and depressing? When am I ever going to get to the point where I can make a little more money? Why can't we just sail away? Am I wasting my life? What am I REALLY supposed to be doing? Did I just do this in my own strength? Where is God? Am I wasting everyone's time? I don't want to be trapped. What am I doing?)

Those kind of questions.

So, I came downstairs to the office, cleared the inbox, checked FB and Twitter then started thinking about something to blog.

See, this here blog has been BURNING up the past 10 days since my R-rated "Save your Marriage" post.  Almost 3,000 unique reads in that time.  By FAR the busiest this blog has ever been.  In a small way we went viral last week.  A typical day here sees between 30-60 unique visits.  When, halfway through Friday last, we had 480 uniques I knew that people had picked up on the blog and started referring it to their friends.  I knew we'd really struck a chord when a girlfriend from grade 10 I hadn't talked to in 20 years added me on FB mentioning, in passing, that my blog post on marriage was posted on her friend's wall in COLORADO.  Then another friend chimed in saying they'd read it on a friend's wall in HOLLAND.

Worldwide.

So I let it sit, and frankly, I was feeling a little drained.

Then I started getting inquiries about publishing it. Then I started getting calls to build a sermon series on it for Fall 2010 and create a DVD series to accompany it (and the book) and heard that a potential investor was interested in helping us do it.

We'll see...

Then I preached about it at a wedding and, man, you should've seen the room. People were shocked, appalled, thrilled, and moved.

(I preached an ABRIDGED version. Relax...)

Plus last week I produced a music video for a good friend of mine and that was a pretty stressful experience.  Not the producing itself, that's pretty simple stuff and the kind of thing I can do in my sleep by this point, but it was producing it FOR him that was tough.

Two reasons.

1) I'm not very good at not being 'the boss'. To quote M. Night Shyamalan from his biographical "The Man Who Heard Voices"; "I have a need to lead..." I realize this can be seen as a character flaw. But I also realize that the World needs leaders and that's how I'm wired and to feel bad about it and spend my life pretending to be something other than I am is not exactly a productive use of my time on the planet. It's hard for me to work for someone else. To quote Warren Buffet from his biographical "The Snowball"; "Find the person you admire most, and work for them..." which was his way of saying, "Look, if you're wired as an entrepreneur and a leader you'll never be happy working for anyone but yourself."  That said, I was eager to do it because I don't typically get hired by anyone to do anything. Most of my work is totally self-started (in partnership with my wife and business partner) so it was really nice to get asked, and I knew it would be good for my work ethic and my humility. So I did it and that led to the second problem...

2) I really didn't want to screw it up.  There's nothing worse than having a 'friend' work for you and having them drop the ball leaving you feeling like 'Crap I shouldn't have done this, but they're my friend so I can't fire them..."  This left me very determined to make sure this experiment was a GOOD experience for my friend.  And I think it was.  It just meant that I was very preoccupied during the lead up to it and execution of it.  I'll post a link when the video's done. I think it's going to be very strong.

An interesting anecdote (man, you can tell I haven't written in 10 days, this is turning into quite a long post): My friend's assistant--when he found out I'd been asked to produce the thing--asked my friend, "Hey, why on earth would you get a PASTOR to produce your music video?" My friend laughed. "You have no idea who Todd really is, do you?"  I got into a conversation with the assistant on-set, not knowing he'd had this chat with my friend, and he asked me about what I do; like, "Why are you producing this anyway?"  So I told him a little of what I've done and what I've got cooking on the production front and he looked at me and said, "I had NO idea..."

Funny.

We 'pigeonhole' people don't we?  I need to stop doing that.

So the crazy response to my blog and the pressures of producing that music video and the relatively 'blah' experience of THE WELL and the ongoing mind-numbing process of WAITING and WAITING and WAITING for my TV show to either get picked up for a 2nd season (giving me a guaranteed year and 3/4's of great work) or dropped (forcing me to go and find a job) combined to throw me into a bit of a spiral.

Also, I wasn't reading my Bible enough.  Just twice a week (just devotionally for me and Jesus--not for work...) due to my hectic schedule and depressed mindset, and THAT wasn't helping one bit.

And ALL the above hit me in the last half hour.  So I walked upstairs real quick to tell Nicole that I'd figured out 'why' I was being so quiet and feeling so low. As an aside, it's really important to communicate with your wife, otherwise she assumes the worst; which in my case involves me running off to Fiji or something.

Then I came down and decided to get some perspective.

I went through my iPhone photos from the last two months and this is what I got:

My baby daughter and her baby cousin loving each other on a trip to Montreal. That's a good thing and something to be thankful for...

My new boat, the day I bought it with my thrilled family on top of it rejoicing with me.  That's a good thing and something to be thankful for...

My baby daughter vogue-ing for me while we walked through the boat yard. 1) being at the boat yard in the first place and 2) having a vogue-ready daughter are good things to be thankful for...

We've started a band at THE WELL (two bands in fact) and though the logistics are stressing the CRAP out of me and my associate, in the end, those bands are going to be good things to be thankful for...

We got given an annual membership to the Royal Ontario Museum and have been taking our kids there once a month 'cause they're home-schooled and LOVE the ROM. A good thing and something to be thankful for...

My daughters are gorgeous and love each other and we live in a house that gets the sunset every single night. Something to bless God for...

My youngest Son Sam is wonderful. I glory in the King because of him...

My church is small but in-existence. Our Good Friday was off the chain as was our Easter service. We have talented hard-working people starting to come and they made the above 'look' happen. Thankful for that...

Although my brother and sister-in law are overseas (which is an ongoing source of sorrow), the rest of us still live close enough to each other to do a rip-roaring Easter egg hunt (courtesy of Uncle Robbie) which is cool because 1) He is RISEN! and 2) we're non-religious enough to enjoy Easter Eggs which, as you can see, makes our kids VERY happy.  Thankful for that...

I'm filthy in this picture 'cause I'd just finished sanding the bottom off my SAILBOAT. I almost don't have words to express how thankful I am for that...

I talk about her a lot. This is my stone cold fox of a wife Nicole. She's starting her own business as a personal-trainer/fitness/lifestyle/nutritional coach. She's so motivated it's downright humbling. Gorgeous too.  I love her.  Real glad for that. We still feel like teenagers.

The feet on the right are mine. The feet on the left belong to one of my dearest friends. We were at their house last week. Our kids just played all night and we drank enough wine to forget our sorrows for a while (trust me, it's Biblical...) Thankful for that...

The 'interrogation scene' from the music video I produced last week. A real privilege to work with my friend the super-talented director/visualist.  My three big kids were on-set with me for the first half of the day which was really cool. A real blessing to be part of it...

My boat has been cleaned (thanks Markie, lookit her shine) and the bottom has been painted. This week I re-do the boot and cove stripes and varnish the woodwork. We're getting the cushions re-covered today and next week I re-bed the hatches, fix a leaking stanchion, pick up and test the engine, figure out the 12V wiring, check the mast and all it's fittings, then we'll be ready to go.

May 9th we splash.  Week of May 10th we sail her home to the Bronte Harbour Yacht Club where we were OFFICIALLY accepted as members last week.

So, as you and I can plainly see, I need to stop moping, be thankful, and get on with it.

Point taken.

Happy Monday everybody...

T