sick...

(this post is 'Rated R' for sexual content. If you're a religious person, or uptight in general you won't like this post. Don't read it.  If your marriage needs help, read on...)

Been livin' on the stuff.

Got one of those killer sinus infections. Just hit me out of nowhere this week. When I get this kind of sick I just pop advil cold and sinus and ignore it.

Almost not working this one's so bad.

But...

It got me thinking.

See, it's not just me who's sick.  A whole bunch of people we know are sick and what's sick about them is their marriage.

Sick marriages.

All around us.

In fact, my wife is feeling downright spooked by it, so numerous are the broken and breaking marriages within our circle of friends.

The sickness has got me thinking, see, you can't take advil for a sick marriage.  People try, they attempt to medicate their unhappiness with all sorts of different 'drugs', but ultimately the kind of sickness that results in a broken or breaking marriage is the kind of sickness that can't be mastered by a painkiller.

A broken or breaking marriage requires radical surgery.

And, ideally, you want to be doing preventative maintenance well before you fall ill.  So, knowing this is a bit off topic for this here blog, I figured I'd hit you with some bullet points to consider that might help you keep your marriage healthy.

(My qualifications for dispensing such advice?  13 years married, very happily so, WITH four kids under 10. Parents 40 years married very happily so. Both sets of grandparents, happily married 'till their deaths on one side and 60+ years and counting on the other side.  Brothers and sisters, happily married. Cousins, happily married. Wife, certified pre-marital counsellor)

Good enough?

Alright. The points...

(in no particular order)

-You have to screw (I use the other word in our face-to-face sessions but seeing as this is the internet, I'll be polite) each others brains out. If you stop screwing (and I do mean screwing--enough of this 'making love' silliness, you need to HIT IT) each others brains out you're headed for trouble. This is universally true.  Every single broken up or breaking marriage I know of they're down to once a month or something crazy like that. Our norm is three to four times a week and--for the record--we're neither nymphomaniacs nor 19 year olds.

-If you start keeping score ("Well, I did it last week and you never do it...") you've both lost. Period.

-Selflessness is a two way street. Unless you're both laying your lives down for each other you're in trouble.  Selfishness is THE marriage killer. Practically this means you do what she wants (sacrificing what you want) and she does what you want (sacrificing what she wants) and you both get cared for. If you stop working this equation each and every single frickin' day, you're doomed.

(did I mention the 'screwing each other's brains out' part?)

-You need to date, each other. Take her out. Dress up for him. Work at it.

-Red wine and a hot tub will do wonders for your sex life AND your social life.

-Sit beside each other, even if you're working on different things.

-Stay sexy.  Guys and Gals. If you 'let yourself go' you're saying "I don't care what you think..." which equals 'contempt' and contempt is another MAJOR marriage killer.

-Discover their 'hot buttons' and cater to them. Does he like a clean house? Clean the frickin' house. Does she like to get things done? Get off your ass and get things done. All the time, every day of every week for the rest of your lives.

(did I mention the 'screw each other's brains out' part?)

-Talk. All the time. Over breakfast, on the phone, at night, in bed. Have long conversations about nothing in particular. Listen to each other. Look into her eyes.  She's pretty, isn't she? See? You were starting to forget.

-Dance.  I don't care if you grew up Pentecostal like me, you need to take her dancing. Girls love to dance. Dance with her.

-The second it crosses your mind to call her, do it. Act on your kind impulses and overcome your nasty ones.

-Watch your tongue. You never get an angry word back. The tongue is one of the most destructive weapons we have at our disposal.  If you speak kindly to each other it'll go a long way, trust me.

-Remember what my friend's mom (holler at your boy "Seer"!) said in her speech at his wedding. "Your spouse is not your enemy." Often you're going to want to lash out, and since your spouse is the nearest available target you're going to lash out at them. Don't do it. They're not your enemy, they're supposed to be your best friend.

-Stop going to 'guys night' and 'gals night' except once in a while.  If this is more than once a month it's too much.  Guys need to grow up and stop hanging out with their 'buddies' and go home and hang out with (and screw) their wives.  If you're a boy in a man's body you need to stop it, grow up, get some courage, grow some balls, and love your wife.  If you're a girl who loves going to those stupid 'chatty' women's groups where all they do is complain about their husbands, you need to stop it, go home, find your husband and take your clothes off.

-Shower together every morning.  It's good to have to 'share' the water, share the soap, pass each other the toothpaste, and see each other naked at the start of every single day. Did you notice how pretty her nipples are? See? You were beginning to forget weren't you?

-Do whatever it takes to spend time together.  You should always be saying 'no' to other social engagements because you need to get home to your wife 'cause you LOVE her. If you're away from her more than you're with her you've got BIG problems.

-Resist the urge to go to sleep at different times.  You know why.

-If she doesn't like your family, either fix it, or tell your family to stop being stupid. If you can't and they won't you leave them and cleave to her. If you can't stand her family, fix it, or tell them to stop being stupid.  If either of you picks your family over each other you're doomed.

-If you're a person of faith you need to express that faith together.  If you go to church and he doesn't you've got problems.  If you're a man, stop being stupid, and go to church with her. If you hate your church, find one that doesn't suck where you can get involved and make a difference. Every good church loves getting 'with it' men involved. Trust me.  The only kind of 'good church' is a church that preaches about Jesus from the Bible with authority. If your church doesn't believe in the authority of scripture and doesn't preach about Jesus it's not a good church and it's going to, ultimately, be of NO use to you.  Only Jesus will do.

-You (dudes) work your ass off and you (gals) work your ass off and stop telling your spouse to get to work. Lead by example. Work your ass off.  

-Shine.  If you're a dude, shave, work out, dress nice, make sure you smell nice. When a girl walks into a room she loves it when the other girls in the room notice her man. It makes her feel like she made a good 'catch'. You men need to be men that other men would follow and other women use as an example of what they'd like to find.

-Shine. If you're a gal, dress up, do your hair, shave your body, stay fit, do whatever it takes to keep your man physically interested in you. If you 'let yourself go' you're in trouble. I know that's not a popular thing to say but it's the truth.

-Laziness will kill you, and your marriage.

Alright, I have to get back to work now. 

Homework...

Go buy a bottle of red wine, go home and...

(you know the rest)

T