the end of the road...

This is how I feel today.

Today's a 'bad day'.

Why?

Well, today is the start of the last three days of shooting on one of the series I've been producing.  It's the last three days because the series has been cancelled.  What's really difficult about it is that we hit the targets we were told we needed to hit to get renewed and audience response has been very strong.  All the signs were pointing to good things then--one day--we just got this call.

"Yeah, we're not going to renew for a second season."

YANK!

Just like that.

And all the people working on the thing are so devastated, and some of them feel it's my fault and there's nothing I can do about it.

Lemme' tell you, writing the last 90 episodes has been somewhat less than fun for me.  It's hard enough doing this kind of volume and style of work when things are looking good, but once the axe has fallen and you're really just filling in the days 'till it's over?

That's tough.

And the urge to try and make sense of it, to find some reason, to figure out a way of looking at the past year and a half of my life as somewhat less than 'wasted' is a tough one.

I know that there's no such thing as 'wasted time' in God's economy.  I know that if you put your heart into a thing, even if it doesn't turn out the way you'd hoped, you're always moving towards something else and something good.  

I know it's about the journey and not about the destination. 

But in the midst of all the things I 'know' I'm feeling very low.

Through it though, I'm putting one foot in front of the other--like a good soldier should--working my way through enemy territory, head on a swivel, sniffing the air, watching the sky, stepping carefully and listening.

I know that--someday--I'll break out into a field somewhere and find myself in a season of good and plenty.

Just not today.

Today, I'm in the trenches.

And it 'aint fun.

T