who am I?

That shot's dope.

(If I do say so myself...)

And it tells you some things about me.  I own a nice camera, but what's the story behind it? I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet, but who gets credit for that? My Dad is cool, but is he that way strictly as a reaction to his pretty straight-laced 'christian-folk' parents? My youngest son loves motorcycles like me, but what else will he love in his life that's totally different than what I love?  My neighborhood has trees in it, but are they nice trees and do the nice trees have nice houses to match? My folks are wealthy enough to own a Harley each but were they always that way and, relatively speaking, how wealthy--in fact--are they?  It's sometimes sunny in my area of the country, but has the rest of our summer been that way?  My hair is short, but it used to be long and why do I have hair anyway when my Dad--under his helmet and unseen to you--is bald?  Will my son keep his hair?  Will it matter?

So many facts.  So many questions.

That's my life.

I'm really going through it right now.  Not in any particularly difficult way--most of the practicalities of my life are fairly squared away TBTG (thanks be to God)--but I've got things brewing that are causing me to explore deep introspection.

I'm working on a proposal in film and TV land that might be the biggest thing I've ever done. Naturally it all might come to nothing, but I've never let that stop me from doing the work before.  The magnitude of this thing has me feeling really sobered.

In 'church-land' I'm three weeks or so away from launching a second church.  This will be our official second church plant.

Yesterday I got a note from a guy who attended our first one and he had some unsolicited advice and words of warning for me.  I did my best to receive from him what was good, did my best to repent, did my best to be courteous and even kind in my reply.  

What his note did--or how it hit me--was on two levels.  1) I was reminded of the fact that church planting (or, eerily enough, working in show-biz) is fraught with personalities.  People will think certain things and feel certain ways about you and what you do (and how you do it) and there's nothing you can really do--at the end of the day--about it.  Unless you're prepared to have a thick skin, these businesses are not for you.  

And it wasn't that his note was particularly nasty (hey, are you reading this B?) but that any kind of critique (justified or no, don't matter) is tough to take at the best of times.  Never mind one you didn't ask for...

Funny enough, I didn't get chest pain over it and didn't lose sleep over it and didn't react in a way that was unkind or wrong.

Shows you I've grown some.  

The second thing his note reminded me of is my manifold weakness.  I emphatically cannot be 'good enough' for anyone or anything.  Full stop.

In my note back I asked for his forgiveness and told him that I'm working hard at repentance and thanked him for his interest.

And I was being sincere.  It seems to me--in thinking a lot about repentance lately--that if I'm going to attempt to live a repentant lifestyle I need to repent often, repent quickly and repent sincerely.  When I get criticized these days my attempt is to quickly acknowledge my own weakness and fallen-ness and ask for forgiveness.  I then try to change my behavior, not by simply 'being better' or 'doing better' but by trusting in Jesus' kindness towards me and in His ability to change me gently, and by the power of the Holy Spirit, as I walk as His friend--only because He has called me and made me His.

It's a crazy, tough walk.

But I'm finding, as I age, that it's getting a little bit easier.  I think once you hit my accumulated number of years, kids, and days married (4,610 or so as of today which isn't THAT long if you think about it like that...) you start to soften a bit.  By now you've failed enough to know that you're probably going to keep failing.  By now you've succeeded enough to know that it's not all it's cracked up to be and that, most of the time, it's just providence (or dumb luck if you're agnostically-inclined, and I'm sure glad to have you here by the way...) that's at work anyway and that you don't get any credit really regardless of how 'good' a thing turns out.

Plus, even the good things in life fade after a while.

Anybody remember without looking it up who won 'Best Picture in 2003'?  Yeah, me neither.

Anybody remember who had America's biggest church in 1903?  

See my point?

Think your kids are gonna' remember you?  Think the people (actual people) your life impacted in some kind of way (positive or negative) are going to remember you?

Bet your butt.

So I'm thinking--these days--that we focus on two things.

Jesus.

people.

We love Jesus 'cause He's worthy of it.  We serve and worship Him 'cause He's God and deserves it.  We surrender our lives to Him 'cause He saved us and our lives are no longer our own.  We live for His glory 'cause that's why we exist and in so doing we'll find the greatest access to joy there is in the known universe.

We love and honor and 'work with' people.  We focus on their needs, their desires, what makes them tick, what ticks them off (avoiding those things) what inspires and drives them and seek to work in such a way that we serve them.

Yes, 'servant leadership' as the answer to 'making it in Hollywood'.  You heard it here folks.

"But won't people take advantage of me?"

Well, maybe.  But your life is not your own anyway so who really cares?  Also, you can't really control anything, so stop trying and stop worrying about it.  All you can do is what you can do. You can't do a thing more.

And even if they fleece you for a million bucks (and how likely is that?) d'you think anyone's gonna' remember that in a hundred years?  F'dang sure they'll remember your hit film or moving TV series or wonderful play or incandescent album or well-adjusted family or socially-redemptive corporation or life-giving church or body of artistic work or the faithful way you loved those around you.

The a**hole who stole from you will be long forgotten and his ill-gotten gain will have perished with him and he'll have the Judge to answer to bucko'.

What lasts can neither be built nor destroyed by hands.  It's built in faith and lives, moves, and has its being as a result of mercy.

I wonder if we just started doing what we've been made to do--with all our warts and weaknesses--and stopped striving for what we 'think' we want or need, if we might find ourselves much more at peace with life and work and the people who are sending us emails.

Just wondering.

T