The wisdom of Robbie pt. 6...

His last things.

That's their house in the background on the left.

Dude, could this get any more painful?

I'm sure he's smiling at this but, nonetheless, I'm the one sitting here with pain in my gut having to write this.

Please note how few bins there are.

Robbie didn't leave much behind.

This is a good and righteous act. This is consistent with his worldview and with the Gospel that, in addition to Kate and the kids, was the center of his life.

"Travel lightly..."

You can't take any of the things you accumulate 'with' you when it's your turn to go. You've heard this before, now you see evidence of it and, the reason for this post, is you KNOW that the dude who's 'last things' those are, was someone 'real', someone you 'actually' knew who did what he said, lived what he believed, who meant every admonition he ever gave you.

So, listen to Robbie, and do what he did.

Travel lightly.

You have a new year ahead of you. Decide *now* what you can jettison this year and what you're going to devote yourself to. There was no way Robbie knew last New Years would be his last here on the Earth, who's to say it's going to go down any differently for you?

Morbid? Nope. Honest? Yup. Challenging? You betcha'.

Starting with me baby. Starting with me.

T

The Wisdom of Robbie pt. 5...

I've started this post three or four times. Each time I've deleted it due to the fact that it was far too negative to be made public.

Figured I'd try one last time.

It's as if he's staring at me telling me what I'm reading above.

"It's about GOD stupid!"

It's very clear to those of us who lived with him that he believed this to his core. Man, I've been finding it hard to believe for myself lately. And here we come to the crux, perhaps, of this whole deal.

Robbie's dying has made me doubt God's goodness, His wisdom, His very existence.

There, I said it.

And you're thinking "Great, this guy's a pastor, hope his church doesn't know..."

Pretty sure they do.

Pretty sure an honest pastor is better (MUCH better) than one who pretends.

See, it's Christmas time and the pain of Robbie's absence is almost more than we can bear. In fact, it IS more than we can bear, but since we don't just spontaneously drop dead from the grief, we just keep wandering through our lives wondering if this has really happened to us.

(how is this possible?)

We had 'early christmas dinner' yesterday with Mom and Dad and Kate and her kids and ours. No Robbie. Very hard.

I've always tried to tell the truth on this here blog in the hopes that it might be of some encouragement to you on your journey so I won't lie to you. I won't tell you it's all good and that we're a happy go lucky bunch right now.

But I will tell you that we're in some deep, I mean the deepest, deeper than deep, pain over here and, yet, in the midst of it we hear his voice in our head telling us...

"It's about GOD stupid!"

So I don't think any of us will be quitting anytime soon but, boy, this sure 'aint fun.

Love you man.

T

The Wisdom of Robbie pt. 4...

He's quoting me here.

When I saw it I smiled then almost puked. Typical 'grief' stuff there I guess.

"More Ghost More Better..."

So, we're both 'charismatics'.

"What is a charismatic?"

Well, a 'charismatic'--simply put--is the kind of Christian who emphasizes, in life and work, the miraculous, or supra-rational aspect of the Christian life. A charismatic tends to be a person who is 'experientially oriented' a 'taste/touch/see' kind of person. Someone who needs to 'feel' something in order to believe it.

We're not big on propositional truth as an end in itself. We believe that if something is true it should be able to be experienced.

There is oxygen in the air--> you should be able to breathe.

Music is engaging--> you should be able to feel it when you listen to it.

Love is better than hate--> you should have lots of loving relationships.

God is as real as oxygen--> you should be able to breathe in His presence.

God is engaged with you--> you should be able to hear and feel Him.

God is love--> you should be able to experience that in relationship.

That sort of thing.

Charismatic churches tend to be churches that emphasize singing in worship because charismatics believe that, in worship, you're actually coming into God's manifest presence as a people so, naturally, you should allow people lots of time to 1) get used to it 2) learn how to work within it 3) get whatever it is they're supposed to be getting out of that experience that day.

Charismatic churches also tend to pray for people by laying their hands on them in agreement with what the Bible teaches and actually EXPECT God to come through. Charismatic churches tend therefore to celebrate answers to prayer and they also become more bold in praying for people as they see God come through again and again.

Some Charismatic churches (at least the 'classically charismatic' ones) don't really emphasize preaching because they tend to think that because 'God is still speaking today...' we should be able to hear Him 'in the immediate' through a 'prophetic word' or a 'word of knowledge'. This is where someone with a 'gift' for sensing or hearing what God is (supposedly) 'saying' in that moment takes the microphone and 'speaks' the 'word of the Lord' to a person or group of people. In the worst case scenario in these kind of churches, the Bible is used as a 'verse vending machine' where disparate (and usually obscure) verses are 'cherry-picked' to support what the so-called prophet is saying. There's some tension here because in most of Biblical history it was a limited group of people (The Prophets) who spoke this way but many people think that after the events of Act 2 (where the Holy Spirit was poured out on the church) every Christian was given the ability to 'hear' God like the OT prophets used to, so they believe that every Christian can (and should) 'hear' God when He speaks and 'share' these 'words from the Lord' when appropriate. The problem with this kind of approach (when not employed in submission to the clear teaching of scripture as interpreted and applied by a team of Elders in a local church) is that 'Larry the Mechanic' can end up speaking into your life as 'the voice of God' and, we all know (based on his track record with my car at least...), that more often than not 'Larry the Mechanic' either gets it wrong or is 'sharing' things that fall somewhat short of the truly prophetic.

To say nothing of the fact that, in Bible times, 'false prophets' were killed.

This is why there weren't a lot of 'prophets' in Bible times and why, today, every Tom, Dick, and Harry (in an undisciplined charismatic church) can grab the mic and 'play God' for a bit.

The flip side is, many non-charismatic churches stop expecting God to SPEAK to people through the preaching of the Bible about Jesus, and they also refuse to allow any 'word of knowledge' ministry to go forth in their church.

(I've found that 'word of knowledge' ministry in our churches typically works well during the worship service as the worship leader 'freestyles' a bit based on what He/She feels God is saying/doing in the moment and also I encourage people, when praying for people during ministry time, to pray with conviction the things God puts on their heart to pray. More often than not the things you end up praying are *exactly* the things the people you were praying for needed to hear. I don't think you need to preface things by saying "I feel God is saying..." I think you just pray. If you get a sense that you need to pray something really specific or outlandish I encourage people to say "Look, I realize I may be way off here, but I was feeling like I should be praying for ________. What do you think about that?" Then they either break down crying 'cause you've just 'read their mail' or they say "Nope, I don't think that's what I'm feeling..." and you just keep going.)

The kind of charismatic churches Robbie pastored were proper charismatic churches in the real sense. They emphasized Spirit-filled worship, and made room in the service for 'ministry time' where qualified church leaders could 'speak into' people's lives while praying for them and, in Robbie's churches, the Bible was preached about Jesus.

But he always expected God to 'show up'.

I'll never forget the first time Robbie walked into my first church plant (in the heart of downtown Toronto) and, all bug-eyed, asked me how in the heck we managed to have THAT much 'Ghost' in the room? What he was saying was that he could *really* feel the presence of God in the room, and that it was good, and that he thought it special. His "how do you do it?" was a real question.

I told him, "Well, that's what we've asked for..."

That God would presence Himself with His people in worship, word, sacrament (ministry time) and community.

That's all we ask for.

'Cause we're charismatics.

At the heart of it, I believe in God, and the story of the Bible, ONLY because I continue to EXPERIENCE it from week to week, month to month, year to year, decade to decade in my life.

For me it involves goosebumps and crying.

When I walk into a church service I'm looking to *feel* something. When I do, usually two things happen. In the worship I get goosebumps all over my body then I start crying because I'm deeply moved by an awareness that God is real and that He loves me in spite of me. Then, if the preaching is any good, at at least one point during the sermon (and the *really* good ones have more than one moment like this) I feel as if the preacher, who has no reason to know me or the details of my life, is speaking DIRECTLY AT me. We refer to this as the preacher 'reading my mail...'

aka: being prophetic.

If I don't FEEL the presence of God in the worship time, ministry time, and fellowship time (as the redeemed interact together) I don't want to go back. If I don't FEEL the presence of God in the powerful preaching of the Bible about Jesus, I don't want to go back.

If I do, I do.

Simple.

So, the above being true, it stands to reason that MORE of it would be better. If God was going to MANIFEST Himself in your worship service such that people's *actual* lives were changed, wouldn't you want Him to do MORE of it? If God was actually going to FILL your preaching (or the preaching, if you're not a preacher) with His own POWER such that the people listening felt like you were preaching directly at (and for) them, wouldn't you want Him to do MORE of that?

Yes you would.

If the Holy Spirit was actually going to TESTIFY to people, on an ongoing basis, that Jesus is real and Jesus LOVES them in spite of them, resulting in enough encouragement for them to 'keep going' in their increasingly harder lives, would you want Him to do MORE of that?

Yes you would.

If the love of Jesus that was spilling into people's lives as they experienced MORE of the Holy Spirit began OVERFLOWING from their lives into the lives of the 'real' (normal/non-christian) people in your town, resulting in them coming to your church and getting ROCKED by the presence of the Holy Spirit and becoming Christians, wouldn't you want God to do MORE of that?

Well, yes you would.

More Ghost, more better.

If you, as a person, found a church where, week in and week out, you could AUTHENTICALLY experience the life of God Himself at work in the midst of that group of people, wouldn't you keep going back? Would anything stop you from going back? Conversely, once you'd EXPERIENCED what happens in a 'real' charismatic church, would any amount of marketing, programming, or social networking get you to go to a church where the worship had NO GHOST, where the preaching had NO GHOST, and where the people had NO GHOST?

Heck no.

Once you've tasted and seen that the Lord is good, nothing else will do.

So, that's why me and Robbie and our friends went charismatic. We realized (early 90's) that ONLY the actual, manifest presence of the actually LIVING God, would be enough to capture the hearts of our disillusioned, relativistic, pluralistic, sensualist peers.

Only the Ghost will do.

So we say...

"More Ghost More Better..."

The wisdom of Robbie.

Love you man,

T

The Wisdom of Robbie pt. 3...

This is a hard one to write.

But it's SO Him.

"BE POSITIVE..."

He even wrote it in all-caps. "BE POSITIVE..." Oh Robbie, I hear you. I can see you smiling as you say it.

"BE POSITIVE..."

Even now? Even in this? Even while my wife has your kids at the indoor playground today with ours while your wife is downtown studying 'cause she misses you so dear?

I don't think I can be.

"BE POSITIVE..."

I don't feel like it man. I feel like our life is never going to be truly, unabashedly positive again.

"BE POSITIVE..."

(I feel like he's getting annoyed now)

So, here's the thing. In the face of Robbie's death the only way to "BE POSITIVE..." is if I *actually* believe that God exists, that Jesus is God, that the whole story is true.

Is the whole story true?

I gotta' say, these days, I struggle with that three or four days out of seven.

"Wait a minute, aren't you a Pastor? Don't you have to preach every week? How are you doing that if you're really struggling with unbelief in the way it seems you are?"

It 'aint easy lemme' tell you.

In my last pastorate I spent a year or so learning how to preach 'the light' from 'the darkness' so I'm not a complete stranger to this, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that that 'garden variety season of sorrow' was NOTHING compared to what I (and we) are dealing with now.

The simple truth is half the week I'm kind of not on speaking terms with God then, around Thursday or so, I start to think about Sunday and start meditating on my text, then--because I've done it so long--I'm able to effectively (almost clinically) construct a sermon, then--when I arrive at church on Sunday--I just hope that the Holy Spirit fills the proceedings and gives me enough juice to speak with unction and conviction in the face of my unbelief.

Crazy right?

It's true that I'm so low that I realize that what I call 'The Holy Spirit' might just be a 'feeling' I get by being part of a 'group dynamic' that I've been conditioned (through years of being raised in this environment) to 'receive' as positive, and/or life-affirming.

I realize I could be completely deluded, that Robbie could just be dead (like Steve Jobs said in his book when thinking about death, "Or maybe it's just 'click' and you're gone...") and we could just be waiting our turn. It could be true that he's only alive in our memories now (like every day when I use our bodum to make coffee the way he taught me) and that life just sucks and that there's no meaning and no purpose and no plan.

I realize I could be (in the ultimate sense) of all people, most miserable, 'cause my faith is a farce.

I get it.

So, to deal with that (and I'm having to deal with it, such is the depth of despair and hopelessness that assails me regularly in the wake of Robbie's death) I've turned to a very, almost-utilitarian approach to this whole Christianity thing. I think to myself, "So, what IF this whole thing is a farce. What IF I'm deluded? What IF there's no hope, no meaning, no reason?

How's it working out for you, this whole 'being deluded' thing?"

And the simple answer is...

Pretty well.

I look at Kate and the kids. I look at my folks and the Halls. I look at his closest friends. I look at my family.

None of us have given up hope. No one's gone off the rails. No suicides, no bankruptcies, no people running off on their spouses to go 're-discover' themselves in the midst of this deep season of doubt.

So, none of us are losing our minds.

Could it be because we've already lost them?

Aha! Now we begin to round the corner, don't we?

See, if we've already 'lost our minds' (having believed in actuality, all these years, what we've professed to believe) then we've got no more mind to lose, which means that what the Bible says is *true*. It IS functionally true in us that "neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord..."

Which is why none of us (not even sweet Kate) has decided to kick the bucket.

"But you've already said the love of God isn't real..."

I SAID sometimes I'm not SURE it's real anymore.

So call it something else. Call it 'culturally learned or conditioned warm fuzzies'. Well, they're working for us. Yes, I said it. Whatever it IS that's helping us, it's very clear that there's something that's helping us.

Which takes us back to 'ground zero' in terms of our belief system.

If SOMETHING is working, all we have to do is figure out what that something is. So we look around at life to try and figure it out, and here, we find ourselves in the same territory we've been walking since we were children and came to faith in Jesus.

See, we looked at trees turning color come fall and we thought this couldn't just be by accident. We studied world religions in university and realized that all of them were basically the same except for Judaeo-Christianity and it seemed, further, that they were all kinda' borrowing from Judaeo-Christianity and it was abundantly clear that our Profs. only hated Christianity which made us very suspicious that that must mean that they suspected only Christianity was true 'cause, otherwise, if all the religions were truly the same, if the (supposedly) many paths up the spiritual mountain were all really ONE path, then why single one out to be rejected?

Oh...'cause it's TRUE! That's why.

We watched babies being born, we went on canoe trips together. We saw God's majesty in creation. We built ministries and saw hundreds (thousands if you combine all our efforts) of people's lives changed by this *thing* that was supposedly just a delusion. We saw God's Spirit at work in His Church. We looked at our marriages and found that, of everybody we knew, our marriages (those of our dearest, closest friends) were really the only ones that seemed truly happy and functional. We saw God's goodness at work in His promises fulfilled. Could it be random luck that made all this the case, or was it our collective ACTUAL, RADICAL, AUTHENTIC, HEARTFELT, LIFELONG belief in the LIVING, RISEN, LOVING Jesus Christ the-God-of-the-universe that was *doing* it for us?

Man, you do the math!

We were at his funeral together. There's no-one alive who could've stood in that room and felt what we all felt and kept a straight face (or dry eyes) while protesting that what was *really* happening there was some kind of powerful 'group hypnosis'.

Idiots.

Fools.

Unbelievers.

The only answer in the face of this that is of ANY worth is that JESUS IS REAL, JESUS IS GOD, JESUS IS OUR FRIEND, JESUS HAS ROBBIE AT HIS SIDE EVEN NOW, AND JESUS IS RETURNING TO TAKE US ALL HOME ONE DAY UNLESS WE ALL DIE FIRST!

That's right.

We still believe.

That's right.

We STILL believe.

Robbie's body is in the ground on a hill that we all drive by at least once or twice a month and, though it hurts (oh, but it hurts) as we drive past, it doesn't hurt to the point that it drives us off the road.

What it's doing instead is forcing our eyes to Heaven.

'Cause we still believe.

And THAT'S why we can still...

"BE POSITIVE..."

(Oh good, he's nodding now)

The Wisdom of Robbie.

Love you man.

T

The Wisdom of Robbie pt. 2...

Okay, day two, part two.

He's quoting my Dad there.

"The Kingdom belongs to those that show up!"

Very cool.

See, Dad, and Rob both had a pretty utilitarian view of how God calls a person to do a thing. Dad was fond of saying "You don't *find* the will of God, the will of God *finds* you..." or "You *go* where you're invited..." or "The Kingdom belongs to those that show up!"

Showing up.

Just being there.

This view was tempered by many years in the pastorate. Dad pastored full-time for the first half of his life. He assisted my Grandfather in Sudbury, did a stint in St. Thomas (ON), another in Montreal, then took his first solo church in Newmarket Ontario. That church exploded (as in grew fantastically) then he upped sticks for Israel where he and Mom planted, what is today, Israel's largest church, King of Kings Assembly. Returning to Canada in 1990 Dad began what continues as his major ministry avenue, hosting 100 Huntley Street. He expanded into his own TV ministry in the mid 90's then went to Vancouver to pastor a large urban church there for a few years. Today he is again hosting 100 Huntley Street and, for the past 10 years, has been working hard developing Visionledd, an HIV/AIDS relief agency with a particular focus on sub-saharan Africa. Along the way he's written several books, mentored hundreds of young pastors, including a certain Daniel Robert Hall.

He just kept showing up and so did God.

Dad, and Rob's, sense was that life is a great adventure. The urge for constant forward motion was something Robbie and Dad really shared. Rob would get restless if he wasn't always working on something, planning something, doing something that required Gods intervention. This is, probably (I never talked to him about it in great enough depth to 'say so' with authority) a big part of what led he and Kate to sell it all and embark on their epic pilgrimage across Europe and, ultimately, to Africa, three kids in tow.

One of the things I found really amazing about Robbie was his ability to just 'show up' somewhere and make an impact. He was one of the most gifted 'pastors' I've ever seen. Perhaps his greatest gift (as far as I saw it on display) was his ability to connect with people and to model a vibrant Jesus-focused Christianity for them such that they began copying him, and ended up as vibrant Jesus-followers themselves as a result (in part) of Robbie's influence on their lives.

Seems to me Robbie was evidence that a Charismatic approach to life is the best one there is.

What I mean by that is this; you live FULL of the Spirit ("be-being-filled with the Holy Spirit..." in a present-continuous sense, a la Ephesians 5:18) and the Spirit in and at work in you is enough to draw the people you come into contact with to the Father.

If you're FULL of the Spirit (like Robbie was) then, in truth, all you have to do is *show up* and God does the rest.

This is perhaps the heart of Dad's instruction.

"The Kingdom belongs to those that show up!" *assumes* that you show up full of, and in the power of the Holy Spirit.

"The Kingdom belongs to those that show up!" assumes a Charismatic theology.

"The Kingdom belongs to those that show up!" doesn't work unless you show up *with* something; said something being the presence and manifest power of the Most High God.

Robbie certainly had that in spades.

The wisdom of Robbie.

Love you man.

T

The Wisdom of Robbie pt. 1...

So, I got Kate's permission to write this series of posts, just in case you're wondering...

Mom and I took a day trip to Rob and Kate's old KW neighborhood this week to collect their last things. Most of the trip sucked. This whole "life without Robbie" thing is getting no easier.

I actually started getting chest pain as we turned onto their street.

To add even *more* joy to the process we had to look into each box and bin to make sure we knew what was inside.

Awesome.

Then we found his 'office' files.

Oh wow.

The picture above is of his notebook. I'd seen him use this notebook over the years. He'd use it at lectures, at church, when brainstorming, while out playing. It was a fixture.

Well, wouldn't you know it, he'd written all over it. Written little snippets of motivational lines that helped him keep doing what God had called him to do.

I took seven pictures of the seven thoughts scribbled on it and figured I'd do seven posts (one each day, starting today...) reflecting on his thoughts.

"Always Thankful...Always Celebrate!"

Is that Robbie, or what?

He was one of the most positive people ever. Yes, he got prickly, but by and large his *demeanor* was one of happiness. It was clear that, in Jesus, and in his wife and kids, he had found a simple kind of contentment. He had a very close group of friends and a large group of friends with whom he just plain and simple enjoyed life. I think I only saw him truly mad once in my life.

He was thankful.

He also knew how to celebrate. I remember many parties, whether family get-togethers, or actual parties, where Robbies voice was always loudly raised, his eyes always bright with joy, and he just kept circulating throughout the room talking to everybody. He loved a good party.

He knew how to celebrate.

He was a weird mix of exuberant and laid back.

And he loved basketball.

I mean, how awesome is it that his 'work notebook', in addition to having pithy theological/motivational sayings scribbled all over it, was also festooned with plays to be run on a basketball court?

Beautiful.

When I saw that, I *knew* I had to write about it.

Here was a guy who had his priorities straight.

Thankful, prone to celebration, and a basketball nut.

Let his life remind you today to find things to be thankful for (so look around, and get noticing things) things worth celebrating and, in the midst of it all (taking your cue from him), be sure not to take yourself so seriously that you forget to play.

The Wisdom of Robbie...

Love you man.

T

Sitting and thinking...

I spend a lot of time sitting.

That's me on the ground between takes recently.

Sitting.

Typically, when I'm sitting, I'm thinking. Thinking about what's next, thinking about how to solve whatever problem has just cropped up, thinking about how to make sure what I'm doing dovetails as perfectly as possible with what I'm supposed to be doing.

So I sit.

I realized years ago that I needed to give myself permission to be still, to sit and look like I'm doing nothing. See, it had come clear to me that, when I'm sitting, I'm not actually doing nothing, what's happening is I'm recharging.

Letting the brain recirculate.

Letting the soul quiet.

Taking a moment to take stock and 'realize' where I'm at.

This sounds 'zen' I know but, in fact, it's Biblical.

"Be still and know that I am God..."

If God is real, if He made you for a reason, then--seems pretty clear to me--when you're still you get a chance to re-connect to your raison d'etre.

Yes?

So have a seat ladies and gents, have a seat.

T

Big moment...

Dedicated my nephew Cameron to Jesus yesterday at church.

In the absence of his Father.

It was a painful and glorious moment.

This whole journey with Robbie and Kate and their kids has been that way. Deeply painful, and yet, glorious in some awful (awe*full) way. I say *awe* full because of the way in which God is still making Himself real to us in the midst of an experience that should be completely wiping out any faith we ever had in Him.

I can't say I can explain it. I can't say I don't have *any* moments of doubt or deepest disappointment; but I can say that there have been *many* more moments where God has broken through to us in a profound way, than there have been moments where we've felt abandoned.

What's interesting is to see what this journey in us (my family) is doing to our church. It's not that the two are *directly* connected or that we're (especially Kate) at all happy that we've become (in some way) a living 'object lesson', but I have to say, I am seeing strange and undeniable evidence in our congregation that our family's suffering (again, especially Kate's) is getting through to them in a way that is *opening* them up (rather than shutting them down) to the work of the Holy Spirit.

Strange days.

I cried so much yesterday I ended up feeling (for the rest of the day) like I had a red-hot poker being shoved through my left eye.

Kind of like the year so far has felt.

But in it, God is making Himself real to us.

Heavy duty stuff.

T

What would you do...

...for free?

Seriously. Is there anything you *like* enough to do it for free? Is there anything you're so good at that it brings you almost pure joy just to do it?

Maybe THAT'S the thing you should be doing.

Go where the passion is.

That's what I'm wrestling with today; taking a good hard look at the things I'm doing and the things I want to be doing and trying to track the passion in 'em. Another way to put this is something I call 'the two million dollar test'.

If you had a cool $2,000,000 sitting in the bank, free and clear, what would you want to be doing today? If the things you're doing today you'd be doing tomorrow (WITH said 2mil in the bank) then, I believe, you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. If, however, you'd jump ship without a look back then, well, seems to me you might be wasting your life.

'Cause, come to think of it, what's your LIFE worth?

Much more than $2,000,000 no?

So, why are you wasting it doing something you don't have PASSION for?

"But where am I going to get my money from?"

Doesn't 'provision' follow 'passion'?

"Well, I dunno' Todd, I've never really tried living my passions..."

Right.

It's a constant struggle. There's fear and insecurity involved as well as a need for constant, truthful, introspection to make sure you're *actually* on-track doing what you're *actually* supposed to be doing and not deluding yourself.

But, that said, I'm pretty sure it's better to SPEND your life pursuing what you're passionate about than to WASTE it trading the hours of your life away for dollars.

Just thinkin'...

T

Looking forward...

I'm a constant 'looker-forwarder'...

Good thing too.

See, life is full of crap times. Sunday was one of 'em. Had to go put the boat 'to bed' for the winter. That sucks.

The process takes most of 5 hours, from de-rigging, to un-stepping the mast, motoring over to the crane, waiting your turn, getting lifted out, waiting for your bottom spray turn, getting put in your spot, then wiping the boat down by hand.

And there's no reward at the end.

Unless you have faith.

Faith that you'll live to see another spring, faith that you'll face it with a bigger boat, faith that your work will shape up to allow the aforementioned.

Without faith it's impossible to please God (the Bible says) or yourself (I say).

Seriously, how can you be happy without believing for good things in the midst of bad things?

"But what if you've been beat down so much that you just can't find strength to believe anymore?"

Believe me, I feel you.

But, for me, though the days are often dark, I find no other way but to keep my eyes to the East, watching for the sunrise.

Even in the midst of winter I believe Spring is coming.

Looking forward...

T

Party...

Sometimes you just gotta' party.

My wife taught me that.

See, I grew up a 'church boy', never went to a school dance in my life.

My loss.

She's been helping me loosen up. I didn't really start 'learning' anything on that front from her 'till about 5 years ago. Since then I've been learning how to let down my guard and just enjoy people and moments of celebration.

I'm learning I don't have to be 'on' all the time.

No, this doesn't mean I stop loving Jesus, or stop doing what He's called me to do. It just means that I allow myself to embrace 'fun moments' when they come up in a simple, childlike kind of way.

All of this points out to/reminds me what a naturally 'proud' person I am/have been, and we all know, 'pride' is probably THE most grievous sin there is.

So, here's to my beautiful wife, the fact that she looks 10 years younger than she is, and that she's still willing to help me get over myself.

Repentance through partying.

That's my line for the day.

Love you babe.

T

Sailing home...

Sailed the boat 'home' to Port Credit for the winter in EPIC conditions yesterday. We'd just had a storm blow through and the wind was still howling (30-40km) and the swell was 5-9ft at times.

Everyone who heard we were going thought we were crazy.

Wasn't as bad as all that...

Got there in record time. Here's our Navionics track:

Start Time: 11-10-20 1:50 PM
End Time: 11-10-20 4:15 PM

Active track info:

Distance: 13.1 NM
Total time: 2h 24'
Average Speed: 5.4 kts
Max Speed: 8.8 kts

Please note: 8.8 KNOTS on a Mirage 24! That's ridiculously fast.

The lesson?

Don't be afraid. Do what you need to do.

Naturally, I'm not saying do something 'stupid' or put your life at risk, the conditions required 'expert' sailing ability which I qualify for but, even so, it took balls to head out yesterday.

The end result was a really rewarding experience.

It's my belief that you'll find this true in your life as well as you do your best to 'get out there' and do it.

Best,

T

The wife...

Ahh, the wife.

The wife, the wife, the wife.

The wife.

It's her birthday today.

She don't look much older than when I first met her. In fact, nearly twenty years (and four kids) later, she's in better shape now than she was then, and that's saying something.

The wife has more than looks though.

The wife has brains, and brawn, and hustle, and charm, and people-skills and work-ethic.

The wife.

She's a great Mom, a brilliant organizer and gifted people-person.

She looks WICKED in a short skirt.

Saying too much? It's my blog and I can swoon if I want to.

Swoon about...

The wife.

Here's what my Dad told me (from the first week I understood the English language) about the wife...

"Choose someone based on what they're going to be like at 40. If you can see yourself attracted to and enjoying this one when she's 40, then she's worth pursuing..."

Now (of course) I'm not selling the wife out like THAT.

She 'aint nowhere NEAR 40 yet.

But still.

She's looking mighty fine to me these days, and we're closer to 40 these days than we've ever been.

Might I take the energy of this day for me and turn it towards you, encouraging you to do whatever it takes to re-discover the wonder of your...

Wife.

T

Surprised by a sunset...

A month or so back I left the studio after shooting all day and began walking to my car as usual.

Then I saw this...

That's un-doctored, right off my iPhone 3.

Pretty nice, right?

What was cool about it was that it wasn't just me who got stopped in his tracks. There must have been at least a dozen people stopped at that intersection, just standing there, staring at the sky.

Surprised by a sunset, surprised by beauty.

Thought I'd remind you today that you never know when next beauty is going to assail you. It might be just walking down the street some day.

Gonna' preach on it, Sunday, at THE WELL.

So, don't despair, keep your eyes open and up.

T

Fall 2011 update...

Been doing an awful lot of the above lately.

Shooting.

I'm finding myself fairly spent these days with the intense production schedule we're trying to keep up. My challenge in this is twofold. The first part is the kind of thing I'm sure you deal with too; simply getting 'up' to work, getting in touch with my passion and/or connecting my passion to a seemingly mundane task. I'm trying to find ways to get and 'stay' excited about what I do in the midst of what I do feeling a little bit rat-race-ish these days. Secondly I'm continually trying to find ways to work from my gifting rather than just working to keep the lights on, or pay the bills.

This is tough.

I feel like my biz-partner and I have gotten 'off' our 'mission' a bit lately. Part of this is related to the fact that we have some deals pending that will have resources attached to them that will aid us in turning our strategic plans into tactical moves. Until said deals materialize we're in a bit of a holding pattern. The challenge there is to work enough that you keep the process moving forward while making sure that you're not wasting time with fruitless labor. I find that my own selfish/laziness is a factor there, meaning I can sometime confuse my motives, thinking "I'm being a good steward of my time..." when really I might just be being lazy.

In the midst of this we had a nice moment this week where our entire crew broke for lunch (we were shooting a bunch of new episodes) and the show we were working on happened to have it's national debut at that exact moment and we were able to gather around the flat screen in the lounge and watch our work play out.

That was cool. For some of our team its the first time anything they've done has had a national release.

I made a point in that moment to be thankful and to remember not to allow myself to become jaded. See, I've had a lot of shows (more than 500) go to air nationally so my tendency is to forget the magic, forget that it's good, and ignore small forward steps in my desire to move on to the next BIG thing.

That said, I am feeling some new creative juices flowing.

I've written four new TV series treatments in the last couple months. Two of them I think really have legs. The great thing (noticing and being thankful for progress here) is that we now have official H'wood REPS who can (and ARE) actually shop said treatments at the highest level. The trick now is to be there in the right place at the right time with the right exec and the right concept and close that deal.

I think I need to write a new feature-length script soon. I'm toying with a time travel piece.

On the church side I've decided to stop counting numbers. Those of you who are aware of 'church planting' dogma know (as do I) that this can be a sign of a guy who's church is tanking and he just won't see it. Said dude spiritualizes the fact that his church isn't growing by saying he's going to stop focusing on numbers and just let God do what He's going to do.

That's me.

I'm going to stop counting numbers and let God do what He's going to do.

I just hope I'm not that guy...

Scary, right?

So I'm AWARE that I could be that guy but am also keeping my ear to the ground in terms of watching for momentum.

I see it in our core leaders. They're excited, committed, volunteering their time and giving of their resources and talents to see our mission progress, so that's a good sign.

I see it on Sundays. Though I've seriously not counted numbers the last four weeks, 3/4 of them have felt really full and packed with positive momentum. I also *feel* it in the way in which the Holy Spirit seems to be present in our corporate worship services.

I hear it in our band. Our worship leader and his dudes are really gelling, really turning out great worship moment after great worship moment week in and week out. Can't really do any better than we're doing on that front. I'm immensely thankful to have each of them around and am holding my breath for the day when word gets out that THE WELL is THE place to be in the Western GTA for vibrantly Spirit-filled worship.

I feel it in my preaching. I've been getting a lot of comments from people about the quality and tone of my sermons. I've been trying very hard to write really good sermons, doing my best to just follow the Lord's lead, work the passage honestly, and write from my heart with an eye to being practical and inspirational. It's been a few months now where each week has been pretty strong. Typically I've found that I preach a couple of strong sermons, one really great one, then an average one in a given month. I've been trying really hard to do whatever it takes to hit home runs week after week. I realize there's an 'intangible' in this ie: the presence and power of the Holy Spirit settling on a sermon and bringing it to *life* but I 'get' that I can't control that. So I'm just trying to stay in-relationship with God and to keep my eyes and ears and heart open to what's unfolding around me in life so that I can find a way to connect what I feel God is saying, to the people that He's given me to say it to. Just trying to not ever deliver a 'dud'. So far so good lately.

Our kids are in school for the first full year and we're still adjusting to what that means for our schedule. It's pretty crazy. I realize most of you will be going, "Duh...I KNOW" to that but for us it's still new. Good thing is it seems to me that we *fit* a bit better (in terms of our values and tendencies) with the school crowd than perhaps we did with the home schooling crowd. Not looking to say one is better or worse than the other there, mind you.

My wife is working her gifts (fitness and personal motivation) and doing well. She's now got 2 national TV shows she's the key fitness contributor on and is adding a few personal training clients as well as starting to connect to a really high end fitness company in our area. She's trying to balance her ability (with the kids in school now) to work, with her desire to not succumb to the 'rat race' after 15 years of doing her best (with me) to try and live differently.

The day-to-day of church work (people, drama, logistics, etc...) is getting us down a bit this week but we're just simply trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and let the Lord worry about the rest. If you do pray for us you could ask the Lord to maybe give us a new permanent location to meet in.

Oh, and I'm helping to coach my son's football team. I'm the defensive coordinator and our last game the defense OWNED the other team. I found myself yelling "I LOVE YOU GUYS!" as the D ran off the field after a particularly outstanding goal line stand.

Some things never change.

I keep hoping my simple, silly, journey continues to be of some use to you as you work to navigate yours, which is why I keep writing.

All my best to you,

T

10,000 Reasons...

That's the new album from Worship Leader Matt Redman.

It's awesome.

Seriously, I just came across it last week thanks to Kim M. and Tam S. and the Cook Crew. We were featuring it on a show I was directing and I was allowed to grab it and give it a listen.

I've been weeping ever since.

Naturally, I'm *somewhat* emotionally vulnerable these days (for good reason) but, I'm telling you, for anyone for whom Jesus is the nexus of their existence, this album is going to rock your world.

Walking to the studio today I was weeping, worshipping, hands raised...

On the sidewalk.

Go out and get it now.

We'll be doing these songs at THE WELL. If you'd like to trade your sorrows for a Church where the emphasis is on the *actual* PRESENCE of God in worship and in the preaching and in the community of saints gathered together, c'mon out and see us some Sunday.

10:30am HERE.

Be blessed today. Life's too short to spend it on anything other than what God has called you to do, with the People whom God has called you to do it with.

If you are indeed living as if the story of Jesus and his ETERNAL Kingdom is REAL then...

Get to it.

T

First-timer...

Breaking in a bunch of new talent this week.

That's yesterday's 'rookie' you're looking at. Ms. Kim, future 'Entertainment Reporter'. She did great.

Watching her walk in, as nervous as can be, reminded me of the first time I did this, reminded me how long ago it was, reminded me what it takes to manage your fears and do your best in the face of intense self-doubt.

On the one hand I'm VERY thankful that, most of the time, I don't feel that way anymore but, on the other, I'm reminded that it's in those very difficult moments that you really grow. Even writing this I'm hearing my inner-voice remind me that every time I go shoot in H'wood I feel so nervous I feel like I'm going to be sick. I can even feel it know, anticipating my next trip.

(deep breaths Todd, deep breaths...)

I remember hearing it said that unless it scares the crap out of you it's probably not really worth doing. Even writing that I wonder how many people, normal everyday people, actually EVER find (or put) themselves in that kind of situation? Seems to me that most of us do everything we can to avoid any kind of situation that will put us into anything near that kind of distress. That said, are we missing out on great riches of experience as a result? I know that, for me, every time I sense a terrifying (and growth-inducing) situation looming it takes all my effort to stay the course and not run for the hills.

Yes, I've done this a long time but I still get nervous, still get scared.

Still get excited.

Yes, excited. Ms. Kim left our studios yesterday absolutely THRILLED by her experience and wondering when she can get back to do it again.

Like a kid.

"When can we go AGAIN Daddy? I want to go AGAIN!"

"Suffer the little children to come unto Me and do not forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of Heaven..."

Ahhh, yes.

Now I remember.

Help me not to forget.

Off to scare myself silly today.

T

How Italians say "I love you..."

Those are Niki's Grandfather's nails.

He sent them to me this week.

This means he 'loves' me.

I learned a few things from this.

1) We need to be more frugal. All those cans are USED coffee cans. Why throw it out when you can re-use it as a 'nail holder'? I need to be more frugal.

2) We need to place a higher value on 'things' we spend money on, even if they're insignificant. Like nails. Who keeps leftover nails? Niki's Italian Grandfather does, and so did mine. We need to make sure that our 'planned obsolescence' culture doesn't seep too deep into us.

3) I need to work harder at taking care of the things I have. The organization and time that went into keeping all those nails for all those years is something I find plain humbling. The challenge is to find a way to apply that kind of 'care-taking' to my *actual* life.

4) I need to *do* things that *tell* the people I love that I actually *love* them.

Thanks Nonno. I learned a lot from you (and your nails) this week.

T

Rollin'...

No I'm not getting into yoga.

Yet.

I have been shooting.

What, 38 episodes in the last three weeks?

Sumthin' like that.

I was verging on burnout the last couple weekends as a result. Last night me 'n the wife were in bed, asleep, by 9:30pm. Yup, the big pimpin' life of your friendly neighborhood pastor/TV producer.

And it 'aint stopping anytime soon.

See, our friend 'Mo' seems to have shown up. And I say 'seems' 'cause Mo's a bit twitchy, doesn't like you getting too comfortable with him, doesn't want you to take him for-granted.

Mo-mentum.

Yeah, church's got it and production company seems to be gettin' it too. Pretty strange stuff. You know those books that say it takes 10 years to 'make it' in show-biz ('making it' being defined as having had enough success and enough of track-record that you are earning your principal income from your show-biz work...) well, it's almost ten years for me now. It'll be ten full years in early 2012. It was 2002 when it hit me that if I ever wanted to 'make it' in show-biz I'd better start really focusing on it. That's when I started teaching myself screenwriting. Along the way to 'screenwriter' I became a producer. I have comforted myself with thoughts of Brian Grazer who also started out to become a writer but turned into a producer along the way.

Oh, the church? Growing at 15% summer 2010 to summer 2011. Don't get me wrong, we're still really small and humble, but we don't feel that way. The people we got are blazin', moving in their gifts, making miracles happen, growing in the ghost.

I can wait 'till fall.

Back to the 'biz. We're staffed up on one of the series that was endlessly 'pending' the first half of this year and have started shooting. Pretty cool stuff there. I give thanks to the Lord for His faithfulness. It's quite the thing this roller coaster ride, but so long as you don't jump off, I find that (nearly ten years later) all the ups and downs do end up getting you somewhere eventually.

Not necessarily where you thought you'd be.

Thanks 'Mo.

Really trying to stay focused. My 'mantra' the last couple years has been...

Simplicity. Humility. Repentance. Trust.

SHRT.

"Shhhrrrtttt!"

(like that Russ?)

Almost an expletive.

(Can you tell--from the lyrical tone of this one--that my homie Russ G. just hooked me up with Lupe and Jay-Z and Kanye's new ones? Seer can tell.)

Non-stop hip-hoppin' over here.

Me 'n 'Mo...

T

six months and counting...

Six months later and I can still hardly bear to post that picture.

Six months later and I still think about him every day, multiple times a day.

Six months later and I'm still totally devastated by his loss.

Six months later.

I read a couple months back that the whole 'stages of grief' thing is a crock. Apparently, new research shows, that you typically move to some kind of acceptance within six months to a year. If you haven't hit that level after that time then you need to seek professional help.

I began to feel some sort of 'acceptance' about a month or so ago.

This hasn't meant that I've stopped feeling deeply grieved, only that the abject *horror* of it, and the disbelief, have transitioned to a kind of deep bruising of soul.

I still miss him.

I find that one week out of every three or four I go about my days feeling really sad and unable to put my finger on 'why'. Then it occurs to me.

"Ahh, I miss Robbie..."

I've found that his death has made me acutely aware of my death that is coming someday. I've found myself behaving differently in small practical ways each day. Mostly (and Robbie would both smile at this and be glad for it) I can see it in my interactions with my kids where I'm being more patient with them because if I was, in fact, to die tomorrow I'd want to live my *today* with them differently.

I've also been preaching with much more passion and vehemence than is normal for me and, if you've ever heard me preach, you'll agree with me that that can be somewhat worrisome. To make sure I don't go completely off the rails I'm reminding myself as I write and before I get up to speak to try to be kind, inspiring, relevant, practical, passionate, and focused on Jesus. Those qualifiers help.

But I'm still sad, and still broken.

I've said it to friends when talking about it. My family (meaning my parents, siblings and I together with our spouses and kids) has been permanently *ruined* by this to some degree. I think (to quote the great 'Lilo and Stitch') "We're a broken family..." now.

There's no putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Even as I re-read this before posting I realize this might be very depressing and seem 'non-christian' to some. I'm just telling you the truth as I'm experiencing it right now without trying to varnish a thing.

To be clear, we are still loving Jesus and each other. We haven't despaired of life, living, or eternity.

And yet, we're broken. Deeply so.

I never expected this kind of thing to happen to us. I realize that can sound weird, even elitist. I don't mean it that way at all. Just trying to share how shocking this has been to us. It still feels wrong.

It's like we're living in an alternate universe.

Six months later...

T

BTS...

Okay, so I thought I'd upload some shots from my most recent production, just for fun.

That's the original set comp I sketched on my dining room table. My hope was that the three strips of fabric would come up out of the infinity white background giving the dancers a space to dance under. We'd move the fabrics so they looked alive.

Anyway, here's how it turned out...

Pretty cool right?

This is between takes. I'm working with the principal talent to make sure we keep on track and know what we're doing and how we're going about doing it. She was a brilliant performer and showed great stamina and class.

Loved this shot. We lit the principals with two giant silks, a 20 X 12 and a 12 X 12. You can see the first of five 5K's we used on the back (20 X 12) silk just to the right of the RED cam (which is having its 'gate' checked in this shot).

All in all, a great experience.

T

Done...

There I am with two of three dancers having just finished shooting 26 episodes in 3 days.

Amazing they were still smiling.

Man, did they deliver.

Everybody delivered. Cast, crew, executives, everyone chipped in and gave their fullest effort. T'was a real pleasure to be part of mounting that kind of production.

Biggest thrill, for me, was seeing the set design executed. From a drawing on a piece of paper I did in my dining room to the finished 'look' on-screen, to get *exactly* what you were picturing is a rare privilege.

Shout outs to Bill and Mary and their team at MZTV for that.

Nice work kids.

Now to find a way to recharge the creative juices. I'm feeling a little bit like that production...

Done.

T

Day two...

Welcome to our latest set.

Getting ready to start 'day two' of shooting.

Yesterday went well, for a 'day one'. Lots of tweaking and technical bugs but that's typical for the first time you try anything.

Get that?

The first time you try anything you're going to have problems.

Might as well accept it, prepare for it, and determine to be calm in the face of it.

When you, as the lead person on an initiative (even if said initiative is *only* your day-to-day life) remain calm and unflappable, even in the face of 'day one jitters' it helps everyone around you do what they're supposed to do at the highest level.

Think I'ma take my own advice today.

T

Just in case...

...you have a MARRIAGE that needs saving.

I thought (hoped) this, might...

HELP.

T

Good moments...

Lord knows we all have enough terrible moments.

Figured I'd post a good one.

That there is a picture 3 of my 4 kids being dragged behind my sailboat, this past Saturday afternoon, about 3km out into Lake Ontario.

Beautiful stuff.

I'm slowly getting them to 'love' the entire 'event' of sailing. The packing up for it, the getting there, the loading in, the getting ready to shove off, the departure, getting out onto the water and getting your sails deployed, finding your groove, enjoying the journey, heading back in, tucking your sails away, getting ready to dock, docking, and shutting her down for the next time.

They're start to come 'round.

It's great.

My wife kept looking back at me as we dragged those kids behind that boat on that lake. "Are you singing in your heart?" she kept asking.

"Yes I am..." I kept saying.

Yes I am.

T

The MARRYING game...

The #1 issue I deal with as a Pastor is people's marriages.

Most of the time they're breaking down.

Funny, most mainstream songs are about love, or love breaking down. Most great film stories have, at their heart, the quest for the kind of 'fairytale love' we all grew up believing in.

Or maybe not.

(maybe you stopped believing in it a while ago...)

People aren't marrying as much anymore. The stats on this are clear. And those who do are divorcing more than they stay together.

'Marriage is obsolete...'

(Some would say)

I dunno'. Seems to me there's no decision more important in your ENTIRE life than choosing the person you'll marry.

Even the divorced people I know, it's not like they're not 'connected' to their original spouse anymore, they're just painfully connected to them.

As my kids age, my wife and I are getting more and more focused on helping them navigate this next hurdle.

The marrying game.

Thinking back on it, besides teaching us theology and his particular interpretive lens, my Dad spent most of his time with us talking to us about who to marry and how to marry.

I'll be preaching on it this week at THE WELL.

The Marrying Game...

T

Hello again...

So I've realized it's not this blog that's threatening to kill my soul.

It's facebook and twitter and my hit tracking site, which means...

I'm the problem.

See, left to my own devices, I'm concerned about what people think of me and hungry for other people's lives.

I'm the problem, and the problem is idolatry.

This has become clear to me as I've been doing my 'web-fast' this past little while. It was also made clear to me on vacation this past week (and it was a wonderful break with wonderful weather) as the beauty of Muskoka threatened to steal my joy.

Weird, right?

See, the beauty of God's creation should be drawing my gaze to Him and making me love and thank Him for what He's done and for involving me in it.

And that happens to some degree.

But at one and the same time I feel myself lusting after the fabulous cottages and the fabulous lives of the cottagers.

And that's no good, and that requires repentance.

So, I'm at it, doing my best to repent and enjoy.

Gratitude seems to be the heart of Godliness and of Worship so I'm determined to keep turning the corner from my tendency to worship false 'gods' so that I worship the one who made it all.

T

Curtains II...

I think it's time to take a break.

I'm going to stay offline for a while.

In the meantime you can find me at...

THE WELL.

Sailing home...

Pretty dark times over here.

In fact, there's nothing much I can say. I've started a few posts or blogs recently and deleted them, one, 'cause I know my wife doesn't like me 'sharing' online at the best of times which means she's probably doubly reluctant for me to share at the worst of times and, two, because I hear my Mom's voice in my head (tormented by these women I tell you...) reminding me that if I don't have anything positive to say I shouldn't say anything at all.

This means a protracted silence should be in order from yours truly.

Yet, I see the many of you each day who pop by to check out this here blog. I dunno' what you're looking for, but I've always assumed (due to the tenor of this here blog and the reason I started it in the first place) that it's to find some kind of encouragement as certain aspects of my life and story intersect with yours in ways that bring life (in whatever small way) into your journey.

So, lacking anything really good to say, I figured I'd post the above video of me sailing my boat home this past week. That was a good day, a nice moment, a positive experience.

I'm hoping for more of that, in more ways than one.

I can say, regarding the dark place we're in, that it's either going to break open or shut down. At least we're in the position where it's gotta' turn, for the better or for the worse.

The wife and I were saying last week that, while we're hoping for good things, any kind of closure would be welcome at this point.

Hoping to find hope.

T

Wishful thinking...

Sometimes you just gotta' put it on paper.

The wife sent me out on a last-minute grocery run yesterday. I asked her to make a list. Once she finished I added a few points. See if you can spot where the handwriting changes above...

That's right, at 'shreddies'.

I added my favorite cereal, milk (which no family can do without) and then two more items that I'm desperately hoping to pick up in the very near future.

'Hope' and a cool million bucks.

Now, it'd be normal to think I'm smokin' something, that--looking at my life--there's no reason for me to believe that 'hope' or any kind of financial payoff for the work we've been doing for the past 12 years or so are likely to appear anytime soon, if ever.

Yet, I persist in belief.

Seems to me, that if you stop believing then you must stop doing. I mean, why else would you being doing what you're doing unless you believed it was 1) what you were supposed to be doing and that 2) it was *actually* leading you somewhere.

So, yes, the main point of writing those last two down was to get a laugh out of my wife and my sister who were both in the kitchen (while 7 kids ran roughshod through our house) and both in need of some encouragement; and, yes, I got a laugh.

But I also meant it.

For me.

T